Lieutenant
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 95
# 1 The Krios Conspiracy Part 1
03-03-2014, 05:27 PM
Hello dear foundry-community.

I've decided to translate my actual foundry mission into english. I'm not a native speaker, but I hope my english is well enough at this mission - if you find mistakes, you can mail to Mic@commandermic or post in this thread. Thanks for understanding

I hope you'll have fun with this one, so here it is:



Mission title: The Krios Conspiracy Part 1
Faction: Klingon
Level: 16+
Duration: 75-120 minutes

Mission description:

The House of Mak'Tor has asked you to investigate the destruction of a klingon ship by the Romulans somewhere nearby the Krios system. Actually a routine job - Already the Klingon High Council has classified this matter as too unsignificant to further pursue it. Possibly a fatal miscalculation?



The mission is the beginnig of a series, more missions will follow later.

So I wish you have fun with it

greetings, commandermic
Ensign
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
# 2
03-04-2014, 04:59 AM
Hello mic, i'am going to play the mission as soon as i can.
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12,506
# 3
03-04-2014, 05:04 PM
Captain Kebor:

Qapla ' should not have a space before the apostrope

"has been attacked and was" should be "was attacked and"

You capitalized Klingon and Federation but not Romulan.

"He cannot bear K'Rok namely." should probably be "However, he cannot stand K'Rok." or "Namely that he cannot bear K'Rok."

"It is an honour to back up you." might be better as "It is an honour to back you up"

"Why does governor Talec don't like him?" should be "Why does governor Talec not like him?"

"we better don't waste" should be ""we better not waste"

Gorn stockman:

"2309er" should be "2309"

Klingon:

"Especially cause" should be "Especially because"

"Further listen" should be "Listen further"

"He is Talec's" should be "He has been Talec's"

Weather researcher:

"While on Krios currently prevail very wintry conditions on the entire planet," would be better as "While very wintry conditions currently prevail on the entire planet,"

Historical archive:

"Tucker III. of the earthly" should be "Tucker III of the Earth"

"Thus he should be" > "Thus he was"

"broke down fastly" > "broke down quickly"

"but couldn't possess" > "but didn't possess"

"troups" > "troops"

"which is located on the todays Valt Minor called planet" > "which is located on the planet called Valt Minor today"

"as Valt" > "than Valt"

"reighned" > "reigned"

"got very annoyed about" > "became very angry about it"

"In 2368 " > "In 2368, "

"should aboard" > "came aboard"

"should be a gift" > "was to be a gift"

"has been injured" > "was injured"

"Already seven months" > "Only seven months"

"has begun" > "had begun"

"folks" is technically the right usage, but for this context "people" is more commonly used.

Governor Talec:

"grandiloquently"?

"K'roks haunt" > "K'rok's haunt"

Lieutenant Bralk:

"just even on Krios"?

"have really" > "really have"

"location" would probably be better in this context than "haunt"

"Regler fur Switch conduits 2 and 32 und 3" this appears to be in German.

"Afore" > "Before"

"Orioner" > "Orion man"

"Andorianerin" > "Andorian woman"

Boslic freighter captain:

"my cargo eventually" > "my cargo"

I'm not sure what you were going for with the next sentance. I'm guessing you meant "behind with my schedule".

"Holoprogramm beenden" more German.

General K'Rok:

"which should intercept" > "which would intercept"

"warbirs" > "warbirds"

"this cursed" > "those cursed"

"But until now" > "But by now"

"manipulative to me" > "manipulative for me"

Mylinya:

When you say "unregistered transporter" are you refering to shuttle or to a transporter device?

"Qapla '" again

Nodek:

"Ferengie-toad"

The interact for beaming people to the X'Eratuul is in German.

General K'Rok:

"informations" > "information"

"interfers any sensors" > "interfers with any sensors"

Ikalian belt:

"come accross to" > "come across"

"make them uncloaking" > "make them uncloak"

"provocate" > "provoke"

Mylinya:

"some of the by the probes emitted tachyons" > "some of the tachyons emitted by the probes"

Cha'lora:

"technical division" Hmm... engineering?

K'Rok:

"Certainly ," extra space.

Officer:

"especially the Romulans" > "especially since the Romulans"

Mylinya:

"worryingly" > "worrying"

"as many data" > "as much data"

"Romulanischer Computer" more German

Other notes:
some of the walls in the lounge have a protruding seam. It's barely noticable though.

Some of the optional dialogs have no button to exit the dialog and you have to close the dialog window to leave the dialog.

I like that you used a Boslic.

Hmm... you should clarify a bit on the cloak since one of the Romulan Z-store consoles(on the D'Ridthau) is a phase shift device. Maybe explain that it's an attempt to improve that device?

Overall I thought you had a good story and some REALLY nice sets.
HAIL HYDRA!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I can haz joystick!
MMOs aren't charities. Corporations are supposed to make a profit. It's what they do.
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,477
# 4
03-04-2014, 06:01 PM
That's a cool banner.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Lieutenant
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 95
# 5
03-05-2014, 06:38 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"Thus he should be" > "Thus he was"
hm, i guess you mean this sentence:

"Thus she was acquired both the confidence and the admiration of most Kriosians."

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"grandiloquently"?
not sure what you mean about this one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"just even on Krios"?
same here. not understandable what i wanted to say at these two or what's wrong about that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
When you say "unregistered transporter" are you refering to shuttle or to a transporter device?
i thought of a shuttle, or maybe a freighter or any other ship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"technical division" Hmm... engineering?
hm it was an engineering station, but not main engineering. i now have written "engineering division". would that be ok?

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Hmm... you should clarify a bit on the cloak since one of the Romulan Z-store consoles(on the D'Ridthau) is a phase shift device. Maybe explain that it's an attempt to improve that device?
maybe i do that^^
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Overall I thought you had a good story and some REALLY nice sets.
nice to hear^^ an big thanks for proofreading my mission

Quote:
Originally Posted by ashkrik23 View Post
That's a cool banner.
hehe, thx

Last edited by commandermic; 03-05-2014 at 07:58 PM.
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12,506
# 6
03-05-2014, 10:07 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by commandermic View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"Thus he should be" > "Thus he was"
hm, i guess you mean this sentence:

"Thus she was acquired both the confidence and the admiration of most Kriosians."
Truthfully, I don't remember. I think it was part of the dialog referring to Tucker, but I'm not sure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by commandermic View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"grandiloquently"?
not sure what you mean about this one.
It appears to be a combination of "grandiose" and "eloquently", not a proper word. It's not necessarily wrong though, it kinda fits.
Quote:
Originally Posted by commandermic View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"just even on Krios"?
same here. not understandable what i wanted to say at these two or what's wrong about that?
Um IIRC this is after you ask Bralk wher K'Rok is. Bralk basically tells you he doesn't know if K'Rok is still on Krios. That part of the wording was awkward. I don't remember the full sentence though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by commandermic View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
When you say "unregistered transporter" are you refering to shuttle or to a transporter device?
i thought of a shuttle, or maybe a freighter or any other ship.
Ah, "unregistered transportation" might be better then.
Quote:
Originally Posted by commandermic View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
"technical division" Hmm... engineering?
hm it was an engineering station, but not main engineering. i now have written "engineering division". would that be ok?
Hmm.. maybe "Engineering station"?
HAIL HYDRA!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I can haz joystick!
MMOs aren't charities. Corporations are supposed to make a profit. It's what they do.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 95
# 7
03-05-2014, 11:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Truthfully, I don't remember. I think it was part of the dialog referring to Tucker, but I'm not sure.
ok, then i guess this was the sentence, just a bit confused cause you wrote "he" instead of "she"

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
It appears to be a combination of "grandiose" and "eloquently", not a proper word. It's not necessarily wrong though, it kinda fits.
ok, i got this word from dict.cc
perhaps that is what happens if i try to translate colloquial words...the german word for it was "hochtrabend" . maybe i should simply write "arrogantly"

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Um IIRC this is after you ask Bralk wher K'Rok is. Bralk basically tells you he doesn't know if K'Rok is still on Krios. That part of the wording was awkward. I don't remember the full sentence though.
i'll overlook this, could be a little mistake in meaning. I'll edit this thread here once i was back in the foundry and post the whole sentence here.

UPDATE:
so i've checked now, the original sentence is this:
"K'Rok? I know him. As far as I know he is just even on Krios."

now i changed it to this:
"K'Rok? I know him. As far as I know he's currently on Krios."

bralk should think that k'rok is on krios at the moment, although he isn't sure about this at 100% more like 90%.

Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Ah, "unregistered transportation" might be better then.
Hmm.. maybe "Engineering station"?
ok, i'll correct that.

Last edited by commandermic; 03-05-2014 at 07:58 PM.
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