Summary: This is a glorious combat oriented mission with nice map designs, tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other Klingon players who like tough and glorious combat oriented mission. There are a few places you need to work on the dialogue but overall it was a good mission and fun to play.
Since you are new to the Foundry I have one minor suggestion for your map naming convention. By default when you copy a map it keeps the name and adds a number to the end to keep track of the maps. During the authoring process it is understandable why you would keep the numbers assigned to the maps with the same name. It helps while you go from map to map to bring the mission together. Once you are ready for publishing you should remove those numbers and leave the map names as they are. The Foundry allows a multitude of maps to all have the same name. When playing the mission the player does not care how many times this map name has been used as long as it serves a purpose to the mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short description but not too far off. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story without giving away the plot to draw the player in and make us want to click 'Hail'.
-Consider adding the start point for your first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but as with the description there is nothing to draw you in and make you want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Entry prompt appears to be a repeat of the entry button. Consider changing the prompt dialogue to something other than a repeat of the prompt button.
MAPS: Qo'noS: First City (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map and resources. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Orion Bartender dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good thing I've tipped you, right" to read "Good thing I tipped you".
Back Room: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Lorena Darclyffe dialogue; consider changing the response button "The Starfleet Watch, what is it" to read "Never heard of it".
-The House of J'mpok Political Aide dialogue; consider changing "You will verify that every fact reported in these datas is real" to read "Verify the accuracy of this Federation spies report".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Are you ready to approach the U.S.S. Leeta last location at the given coordinates" to read "Shall I plot a course to the U.S.S. Leeta's last known coordinates".
Consider changing the response button "Head to VZA-4001” to read "Plot a course and engage as soon as we are aboard".
VAZ-4001: This is a good map design with several tough but glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Then let's not disappoint the Chancellor J'mpok" to read "We do not want to keep the chancellor waiting. Plot an intercept course".
-The report on U.S.S. Leeta dialogue; consider changing "great deal of efforts" to read "great deal of effort".
-The report on O.S.S. Uktas dialogue; consider changing the response button "So, that is conform to what the Vulcan transmitted us" to read "So, this matches the information we received from the Vulcan".
-The report of O.S.S. Namtak dialogue; consider changing "mentioned in Lorena's Darclyffe reports" to read "mentioned in the Vulcan's report".
-The Inbound communication from Qo'Nos dialogue; consider changing "Qo'Nos" to read "Qo'noS".
-The Inbound communication from Qo'Nos dialogue; consider changing "has taken these information" to read "has taken the information you sent".
-The Military report dialogue; consider changing the response button "is not mine to take" to read "is not mine to make".
-The Incoming transmission dialogue; consider changing "The house of J'mok is contacting us Sir" to read "The house of J'mpok is contacting us sir".
O.S.S. Namtak: This is a nice map design with tough but glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Then let's not lose time and scan this door" to read "Lets scan the door".
-The clues task is pointless and adds nothing to the story. Consider removing it and going straight to the dialogue regarding blowing the door then onto the dialogue with Syrana.
-The Syrana dialogue; consider changing "I'm at the mess" to read "I'm in the mess".
-Consider changing "The rest is with use at the mess" to read "The rest are with me in the mess".
-After opening the door there is a panel across the hall to ask for reinforcements. The panel button says "Interact" consider changing it to read "Call for reinforcements". Also make this optional dialogue disappear after the player interacts with it.
-The Contact Syrana dialogue; consider changing "other Breen party aboard" to read "other Breen aboard".
-The Syrana dialogue; consider changing "We have been rescued when the O.S.S. Uktas has been attacked" to read "We'd been rescued by the O.S.S. Uktas when they were attacked".
-The sentence starting with "Their ship has been damaged" is a run on sentence and switches between present tense and past tense. It needs to be rewritten.
VAZ-4001#2: This map has no battles or dialogue other than the map transfer dialogue and therefore serves no purpose to the mission. Consider removing it and changing the map transfer dialogue on the previous map to tell the player they are being beamed directly to the planet.
Deferick’n’Roll Festival: This is a good map design with a good start to the story dialogue but needs a little more detail. Consider adding more detailed story dialogue about the attack and the Undine. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name to read "Deferi Rock n Roll Festival".
-The Sound Engineer dialogue; consider changing "An horrible creature attacked us" to read "A horrible creature attacked us".
-Consider changing "I've been lucky to trip" to read "It was a good thing I tripped"
Communications Center: This is a good map design with a glorious battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the animation for "Extinguish the fire" to "Pointing" animation and add the "Extinguisher" effect. You can set the time frame to short. It would look better than waving hands in the air.
-The Engineering report dialogue; consider changing "Let's beam us back" to read "We should beam up immediately".
VAZ-4001#3: This is a nice map design with several very tough and glorious battles. The story dialogue was well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs are very tough and practically right on top of each other. I like a challenging and glorious battle but having the enemy mobs so close together makes it very difficult to win. Consider spreading the enemy out a little more and having the assisting ships appear in the middle of or right next to the fighting.
-The Explanations dialogue; consider changing the response button "You owe me explanations" to read "You owe me an explanation".
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I would like to see more Klingon missions in my queue. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.