Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 11
04-25-2012, 01:02 AM
SPOILERS! AVOID IF YOU WANT TO PLAY THIS FOUNDRY MISSION!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!


Yes, like HF_Mudd noted, there were a LOT of spelling errors...

Psi Canis = Pi Canis
Danteri 1 / Danteri V - choose either numbers or Roman numerals, not each. Standardize!
"Approach Denteri 1-A" - then the mission dialog box (right side of the screen) says "Approach Denteri A"
Should read "Danteri" not "Denteri"
"If you had not stopped to ask me what your already knew you could have saved her!" = your/you; also, add a comma after "knew"
"infected" = "affected" (You are talking about delta energy, not biological matter. By base definition, radiation doesn't infect.)
"Conduct Medial Scan" = "Conduct Medical Scan" (mission dialog box, right side of the screen)
"Captain, I'm am not reading ..." = "[Rank], I'm not reading ..."
Colonial = Colonel
"Okay, okay.! Fine." = "Okay, okay! Fine."
tresspassing = tresspassing
enterence = entrance
"We are just covering our basis." basis = bases
There were three different uses of "Delta-series": Delta-Series, delta-series, Delta-series. I'd recommend standardizing on one.
admiral = Admiral
antannea = antennae
propoganda = propaganda
wreakage = wreckage
"Lets try it" = "Let's try it"

...among some other typos and punctuation errors.

* I tried to be open-minded about my character's response dialog -- the dialog which appears in the dialog box buttons. Honestly, it didn't work for me. I wasn't as critical about it during your prior Foundry Challenge (#1) mission. Too sarcastic, imho. ("Just shut up and go with it..." Um, no...)

* I didn't want my character being called "Captain." The use of the [Rank] tag would have been a better choice. Just a personal preference. Ironically, sometimes I was called by my rank, others times as "Captain."

* I would have loved to find the Fleet Admiral's shuttle. Kind of like a needle in a haystack. Each of the NPC shuttle objects could have been uniquely tagged. ("U.S.S. (name)") Then I would be racing around to find the exact shuttle where the bomb was planted. After all, they're all the same type of shuttlecraft.

UPDATE: I see you named the shuttle the "John Hunt" towards the end of the mission.


* Everytime I saw the name "Professor Debafy" I thought "Debarfy". (With apologies. )

* Given there's a bomb, it seemed weird how the characters went from rushed to casual, even detached, about the emergency.

* If there was a temporal anomaly orbiting the planet, I'd expect my crew to contact me a.s.a.p., not have it come up casually when I call my ship.

* If I just beamed up to my ship from Sentell Station, why do I need to "Get Within Communications Range"? (Think about that... )

* I did like the real world use of an O-type star. (They're indeed rare -- and quite real.) Along with the mention of hypergiants. VY Canis Majoris comes to mind.

* I liked the colony layout. You have to be careful at times not to fall off the edges, though. Especially if you check out the outer regions of the colony.

* However, it seemed strange to rendezvous with Fleet Admiral Gurley on the upper section. Maybe something about having her office up high because the Cardassians respect authority figures who are physically/architecturally elevated above them. (See the DS9 pilot episode for insights.)

* I wished there could have been rescue personnel racing onto the scene after the Fleet Admiral's shuttle blew up. (I realize this is something you, the Foundry author, could not have added without jumping to another map.)



I get the impression this wasn't fully scripted before development began. While I know you had limited time to create (and refine) your mission, it was sorely lacking in plot points and dialog.

I also didn't feel enough proper closure at the end. It ended too abruptly.

I KNOW YOU PUT TREMENDOUS EFFORT into doing this Foundry mission. This wasn't a simple mission design. If this were my mission, and I received feedback like this, I'd scratch my head and wonder how you didn't see what *I* saw when I developed it. But "Death Clock" is not one of your stronger missions, I'm sorry to say.

I gave you four stars for effort alone. I hope you can clean up the various gaffs, though.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 12
04-25-2012, 05:28 AM
Some of the issues are limitations to the foundry challenge itself. And, to be quite honest with you, this is my last Foundry challenge. I plan on taking this story arc further so the questions involving the Professor will be answered in another episode. The Admiral having to go despite there being a threat on her life is what's known as an artificial time crunch. She gives you a deadline and never considers for a moment you would fail.

I'll fix the typos. Like I said, after looking at it for so long there was something I was bound to miss. I'll try to add some clarity to the plot, but the whole idea is to leave the players confused about what is going on. With the 30-minute time limit there just isn't enough time to explain everything. A lot of these questions will be answered in follow-up missions.

As for the map, if you are falling off the edge, please tell me. I put an invisible wall all around that map so you shouldn't be falling off anything! The idea is the map is supposed to be an airfield rising high above the moon's pockmarked surface. I'm actually pleased with the map. So if you are falling off it, say so. But I won't be making any changes to it and will be using it in future episodes.

Last thing: dialogue. When I write missions, I assume your captain is on friendly terms with the crew. Sort of like Sisko sitting around the dinner table. So while they still call him Captain (as Cryptic has been heading recently and I'm just trying to match them) they are still less proper in their conversation. So just keep in mind that when you play my missions, the dialogue will be more personal in nature and not military in nature.

Last thing: I hate time travel stories. I decided to give it a shot but there were two things that make it difficult with the way I did it. 1) there has to be a story when played chronologically makes sense 2) the story played as is must make sense. Balancing those to things is extremely difficult and I hope to be able address some of the issues you brought up. This is why Cryptic has an entire QA staff... I have me.

But I thank you for your observations. I'll try to work on them this afternoon if I have time. And thanks for playing it. Look out for the sequal! Hopefully it'll clear some things up (and will be released on my terms )
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 13
04-25-2012, 05:55 AM
Release Note
Version 1.0 Supplement: Added a quick note that this is part one of many. Hopefully, that allows the open questions to be a little less of an issue.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 14
04-25-2012, 08:11 AM
Release Notes
Version 1.1: Typos fixed. Admiral explains she likes the view and likes hanging out up there. Changed the Name to Death Clock 1 so people know this is just the first in a series of missions that I will be producing. The professor's motives will be explored in upcoming missions.

One note: The Captain vs [Rank] debate is one I am not having. Cryptic has appeared to have settled on the player being called Captain by their own crew and [Rank] by everyone else. I have followed that standard.

Also, I know the information dialogue in Sector Space does not match the system I present. That is why I don't read those info blocks.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 15
04-25-2012, 09:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Commadore_Bob
Also, I know the information dialogue in Sector Space does not match the system I present. That is why I don't read those info blocks.
"Don't Care / Can't Be Bothered", check.

I trust you won't be offended when I apply the same consideration to playing other missions by you?
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 16
04-25-2012, 09:08 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HF_Mudd
"Don't Care / Can't Be Bothered", check.

I trust you won't be offended when I apply the same consideration to playing other missions by you?
Knock yourself out. If you are going to hold that against me, that is your choice. If that ruins the story for you, I'm sorry. But every one of those systems has a text box with information. If we are not allowed to change them then Cryptic should just put those systems in the Foundry and remove the custom space map editor.

I am doing this for my enjoyment and yours. If that causes you to not enjoy it, then check out someone else's missions.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17
04-25-2012, 09:19 AM
I guess my real question is, is it really that difficult to either find a more appropriate system, or alter your story/description to be consistent with the game universe? (Or, heck, do what I've seen some authors do and have the target redirect the player to a "nearby" system not actually on the map.)

Like I said, stuff like that (and the blocky baseplates, etc etc) makes me feel like the author just didn't give a ****. And when I get that feeling, it makes it harder for me to.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 18
04-25-2012, 10:44 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HF_Mudd
I guess my real question is, is it really that difficult to either find a more appropriate system, or alter your story/description to be consistent with the game universe? (Or, heck, do what I've seen some authors do and have the target redirect the player to a "nearby" system not actually on the map.)

Like I said, stuff like that (and the blocky baseplates, etc etc) makes me feel like the author just didn't give a ****. And when I get that feeling, it makes it harder for me to.
I was just trying to find a map that isn't used that often. I even talk about the other mission in the opening text explaining that the sun, from a distance, looks red due to technobabble. Most people I talk to are annoyed by the pop-ups and don't read them. I just didn't expect that to be an issue.

The blocky base was a purposeful decision. It's an airfield on a pockmarked moon. Military design, at its core, it generic. But I guess it is a matter of taste. You hate the colony, Tucana likes it. I build these maps to suit a purpose. For me, a large flat area makes a perfect airfield.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 19
04-26-2012, 07:45 AM
Well, played 'Death Clock' last night and have to say, I for one really enjoyed it.

Said what I needed to say, and gave a dilithium donation accordingly, in the post-mission review but wanted to say thanks here anyway.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 20
04-26-2012, 08:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by reyan01
Well, played 'Death Clock' last night and have to say, I for one really enjoyed it.

Said what I needed to say, and gave a dilithium donation accordingly, in the post-mission review but wanted to say thanks here anyway.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I started work on the next part of the series last night. It'll be a little more traditional in structure.
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