Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 Unification
05-01-2012, 11:55 PM
Just putting this out there, my newest contribution.
"Ambassador Spock spent many years trying to reunite the Vulcan and Romulan peoples. With the destruction of Romulus and his dissapearance at Hobus, his cause was thought to be lost forever. But what if a group of Romulans and Vulcans used the evacuation of Romulus as a chance to form a colony together, far from the eyes of the Romulans, Klingons, even the Federation. What dangers would await a Starfleet Captain who learns of it's existence? To what lengths would he or she go to to protect it?"

Any feedback would be wonderful. Thanks.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vulcan.Skon View Post
I just finished one I've been working on for a long time and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Mission Name: Unification
Author: Vulcan.Skon
Minimum Level: 16
Allegiance: Fed
ST-HOL6PGXTJ
Estimated Mission Length: 20 minutes to a half hour, perhaps longer if you really take your time.
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
Federation Mission - Unification
Author: Vulcan.Skon
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HOL6PGXTJ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission, despite the fact that there is very little fighting, and there are some spelling errors, the story is a well written story. Your story concept, map design and interactions are very well done. I would recommend this mission to anyone who likes a good story combined with great map design, and very few battles.

The points below regarding the Optional NPC dialogue is referring to NPC Contact dialogue versus object triggered dialogue. There are some good tutorials on Starbase UGC about how to set up the optional dialogue using these triggers. It works so much better than the standard NPC Contact optional dialogue which does not go away after the player interacts with them. Using the object triggered optional dialogue gives the author the ability to place optional dialogue goes away after the player interacts with it. It also allows the author to add alternate dialogue or effects based on the player’s actions on that particular map. I would encourage you to try it out as an alternative to the current Optional NPC dialogue you are currently using.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an intriguing description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "who learns of it's existence" to read who learns of its existence".

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is a good start but needs a little more development. Your goal should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Captain, I've recieved a message" to read "Captain, I've received a message".
-Consider changing "other than that his diplomatic negotiations" to read "other than his diplomatic negotiations".

Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Fvilhaih System: This is a good map design however it seems unnecessary as the player flies more than 30km across the map for one short line of story dialogue and the “Map Transfer” dialogue. Consider changing the entry prompt to the greeting and request to beam over to the “Envoy” then have the first map be the “U.S.S. Envoy”.

U.S.S. Envoy: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point as the current location causes at least one of my BOFF’s to appear in the middle of the bridge.
-The "Captain Skon" dialogue; consider changing "in my ready room to, to my left" to read "in my ready room to my left".
-Consider changing all the "Optional" dialogue for the bridge crew from "NPC Contacts" to use a trigger object that is hidden under their station or in the deck under them. This will allow you to give the player the option to speak to bridge crew and once they speak with them the option goes away.

Fvilhaih System#2: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is well written. The story dialogue that you wrote for this map is more involved than the first one, which is why I made the recommendation on the first versus this one. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Asharan Space: This is a great map design with a nice battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button “Continue” to read “Red alert” or something along those lines.
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "We're recieving a hail from the planet" to read "We're receiving a hail from the planet.
-Consider changing "I am Counciller Listron" to read "I am Councilor Listron".

Ashara 1600 Hours: This is a good map design and I like the interactions mixed with dialogue. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Counciller Listron said she" to read "Councilor Listron said she".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Look for Counciller Listron[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Look for Councilor Listron[/MissionInfo]"
-Consider changing all the "Optional" dialogue for the colonists from "NPC Contacts" to use a trigger object that is hidden under them in the ground. This will allow you to give the player the option to speak to a colonist and once they speak with them the option goes away.
-Consider changing the button "Talk to Counciller Listron" to read "Talk to Councilor Listron".
-The "Councilor Listron" dialogue; consider changing "the unique blend of intillects and ideas" to read "the unique blend of intellects and ideas".
-There is a Asharan Colonist who is wandering around and keeps walking between me and the Councilor. It can be distracting. Consider moving him or having him not wander.
-Consider changing "breakthroughs in science, philosophy, mathamatics and engineering" to read "breakthroughs in science, philosophy, mathematics and engineering".
-Consider changing "Please returned to me when you've finished" to read "Please return to me when you've finished".
-The post "Scan Sensor Mirror #1" dialogue; consider changing "the internal circuity couldn't take" to read "the internal circuitry couldn't take".
-That is a lot of crates. Consider reducing it to one or two crates.
-If you are not going to have the player request the crates then have them already there when the post "Scan Sensor Mirror #1" dialogue is concluded.
-The post "Scan Sensor Mirror #2" dialogue; at this point I am going to recommend you go over your dialogue and change all places that refer to "Counciller Listron" to read "Councilor Listron".

Asharan Science Building 1700 Hours: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing all the "Optional" dialogue for the colonists from "NPC Contacts" to use a trigger object that is hidden under them in the ground. This will allow you to give the player the option to speak to a colonist and once they speak with them the option goes away.

Ashara 1730 Hours: This is a good map design with good interaction tasks. The story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing all the "Optional" dialogue for the colonists from "NPC Contacts" to use a trigger object that is hidden under them in the ground. This will allow you to give the player the option to speak to a colonist and once they speak with them the option goes away.
-The "Sensor Mirror" that replaces #2 is slightly off from the one it is replacing. When the new one appeared and the old one disappeared I could see it move.
-The post "Replace Sensor Mirror #4" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yes, and then an investiagtion in that sabotage" to read "Yes, and then an investigation of the sabotage".
-The post "Fill Councilor Listron" dialogue; consider changing the dialogue from the Tactical BOFF to ask to speak to the Captain privately. Then have the player move off to another area before the Tactical BOFF asks about the saboteur".
-Do not put NPC contact story objectives that the player has to talk to on wander. It is annoying when you are trying to read the dialogue and it closes each time the NPC wanders away. This is also true if you are going to leave Optional NPC contacts to talk to.

Asharan Science Building 1830 Hours: This is a good map design with a good battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing all the "Optional" dialogue for the colonists from "NPC Contacts" to use a trigger object that is hidden under them in the ground. This will allow you to give the player the option to speak to a colonist and once they speak with them the option goes away.
-Consider adding a respawn point further into the map so the player doesn’t have to run all the way across the map to get back into the fight.

Ashara 1900 Hours: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Asharan Space 1920 Hours: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "they will send out sensor readins of the same thing" to read "they will send out sensor readings of the same thing"
-The "Commander Romulan Fleet" dialogue; consider changing "why are you putting our ship and crew in danger" to read "why are you putting your ship and crew in danger".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. Once you correct the spelling errors and refine some of the optional features of your maps this will be an even better mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 05/04/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
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