Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 The Wave Empire Series
05-31-2012, 03:41 PM
This is where I'll be posting announcements on the release of my latest series "The Wave Empire"

This Series is heavily story oriented. So if you're looking for a mission that is just shoot, shoot, kill, kill, then this isn't the mission for you.


The Waveloid people hold many secrets including unknown details of the universe. They also seem to be a seclusive yet sociable people. Not much is known of them other than whats in the limited Database they gave us upon joining The Federation.

5/31/12
The first episode has now been released and is available to play!


Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.1
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
ST- HAP9J34R0
Est. Time: 45min
Recommended Difficulty: Normal
Description:

A member of The Ascended Council has disappeared from the Wave Empire's capitol world, Atlantis. While this might be a simple case of kidnapping the Federation has deemed it necessary to send one of their top officers. The reason? There hasn't been any trace of crime in The Wave Empire for nearly three millennium. Things quickly elevate, and take you into a very dark hidden part of the Waveloid history.


6/1/12
Re-edited Episode 1. I realized i made it impossible to beat on normal.... xP Should be be good now, but if its too easy please let me know ^.^

6/6/12
-Re-release of The Wave Empire Ep.1
Should run a lot smoother now.

6/14/12
The second episode is now up and available for review. Any feedback would be appreciated ^.^

Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.2
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HRDEHNDQN
Est. Time: 1hr 20min
Recommended Difficulty: Normal
Description:

After reporting in with Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline, your orders are to investigate a long forgotten planet that the Waveloids hoped would stay buried. While there the mysteries you'll discover will lead to the prospect of all out intergalactic war.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyline45 View Post
Alright I'll bite. This is my first time ever creating a mission. This is the "pilot" if you will of an ongoing series im writing. Constructive Critiques are always welcome ^.^ But I will remind you this is my first time ever working with the Foundry so some things might be a little ruff xP

Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.1
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
ST- HAP9J34R0
Estimated Mission Length: 15-30min?
Method of Report Delivery: Forum is fine

Thank you for taking the time to check it out! ^.^ Feedback is much appreciated
Federation Mission - The Wave Empire Ep.1
Author: Skyline45
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HAP9J34R0

----------Report Start Part 1-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with great map designs and a great story concept; however the spelling errors as well as battle balance issues need to be addressed. The spelling issues are clearly indicated on each map below. These include the use of words that do not need to be capitalized in the dialogue. After doing as many reviews as I have and reading the in game reviews that many players’ post I can tell you that spelling something they will mark you down for. It is distracting from the great story you are trying to tell.

The other issue is battle balancing. Most player, including me, don’t mind a challenge in a fight; however when we go into a battle and are inundated with several high level mobs or even a large number of lower level mobs all at once it gets tedious and annoying. When it is extremely difficult to get through the mobs on normal level it will most likely be impossible on elite level. For these reasons I recommend you go back through and try to balance the battles throughout the mission.

One last thing, I recognize that in my evaluations I take my time and methodically go over the maps and dialogue, but your mission length is way underestimated. It is at least an hour probably a little more. Now that is not a problem, especially with the story you have created, and once you correct the spelling and battle balance issues it will be even better. As you go through the map notes below you will see some recommendations to help flesh out the story a little more. One thing I did not mention on those maps is the use of triggered optional dialogue. This is where you use small hidden objects to trigger optional NPC dialogue to help tell a part of the story. The nice thing about this method compared to NPC triggered optional dialogue is when the player is done it goes away. If you are not sure how to so this there are several great tutorials can be found on Starbase UGC that cover a wide range of Foundry tips and tricks to use when developing your missions. There are several authors that are always happy to give suggestions and share tips they have picked up. I highly recommend it.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "simple case of kidnapping The Federation has deemed it nessecary to sent one of their top officers" to read "simple case of kidnapping the Federation has deemed it necessary to send one of their top officers".
-Consider changing "The Waveloid people hold many secrets including secrets of the universe" to read "The Waveloid people hold many secrets including details of the universe".
-Consider changing "Not much is known of them other than whats in the limited Database they gave us upon joining The Federation" to read "Not much is known of them other than what's in the limited database they gave us upon joining the Federation".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank] [LastName]. I've just recieved word from our ambassador to the Wave Empire" to read I've just received word from our ambassador to The Wave Empire".
-Consider changing "We would normally send a normal investigator over a situation like this, but given the fact that there has been no crime or no police force in The Wave Empire for nearly three millenium The Federation has decided to select one of our top officers to help" to read "We would not normally aid in an obvious internal matter such as this situation, but given the fact that there has been no crime nor a police force in the Wave Empire for nearly three millennium, the Federation has decided to select a top officers to help".

Mission Task: Despite the fact that you included the start location for the first custom map in the grant dialogue you should also include it in the initial mission task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
The Wave Empire Star Gate: This is a good map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Approach Warp Gate" dialogue; consider changing "Please proceed with caution as the Event Horizon is esthablished" to read "Please proceed with caution as the event horizon is established".
-Consider changing "The Event Horizon has now been established" to read "The event horizon has now been established".
-Consider changing "Welcome to The Wave Empire [Rank] [LastName]" to read "Welcome to the Wave Empire [Rank] [LastName]".
-Be cautious about when you trigger the gate anomaly. Not all players, including myself have their ships set to stop on dialogue. They may fly past the anomaly and the trigger while reading your dialogue. This can be mitigated by using a large invisible object as the trigger.
-Additionally because you are using a dock as the gate if the player ship is outside of the dock when they “Enter Event Horizon” they pivot away from the gate to warp away. Consider replacing the dock with another object like the transwarp gate.

Atlantis: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The object you are using as the entry gateway seemed to work well. Consider using that as the gateway on the previous map to see if the ship turns away to warp.
-Consider changing "reading in the limited Waveloid Database it's just" to read "read in the limited Waveloid database".
-Consider changing "It's not unlike the Transporter except" to read "It's not unlike the transporter except".
-Consider changing "but now your a little smarter" to read "but now you're a little smarter".
-Consider changing "Send a hail for the Docking proceeder sir" to read "Send a hail for the docking procedure sir".
-Plot note; how could the BOFF have sent a hail to receive docking procedures before the ship is in communications range? The response button to the “Send a hail” dialogue is “Helmsman get us into com-range”.
-Consider changing the mission task "Wait for Docking Proceder" to read "Wait for Docking Procedure".
-The post "Wait for Docking Proceder" dialogue; consider changing "Please proceed to the Docking Sttion in order to gain access to our capitol planet, Atlantis" to read "Please proceed to the docking station in order to gain access to our capitol planet, Atlantis".
Consider changing "the data stream to bounce of our planet's shield" to read "the data stream to bounce off our planet's shield".
-Consider changing "A sheild dedicated to an entire planet" to read "A shield dedicated to an entire planet".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Should I continue with the Docking Proceeder" to read "[Rank], should I continue with the docking procedure".

---------End Report Part 1----------
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyline45 View Post
Alright I'll bite. This is my first time ever creating a mission. This is the "pilot" if you will of an ongoing series im writing. Constructive Critiques are always welcome ^.^ But I will remind you this is my first time ever working with the Foundry so some things might be a little ruff xP

Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.1
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
ST- HAP9J34R0
Estimated Mission Length: 15-30min?
Method of Report Delivery: Forum is fine

Thank you for taking the time to check it out! ^.^ Feedback is much appreciated
Federation Mission - The Wave Empire Ep.1
Author: Skyline45
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HAP9J34R0

----------Report Start Part 2-----------

MAPS:
Atlantis Docking Station Delta: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Who exactly are the Waveloids" dialogue; consider changing "we aware of what every being in our spiece is experiencing" to read "we are aware of what every being in our species is experiencing".
-Consider changing "I bet its hard to keep your identity" to read "I bet it's hard to keep your indentity".
-Consider changing "judging their character on unknowns we known them instantly" to read "judging their character we know them instantly".
-Consider changing "in our studies every spiece has" to read "in our studies every species has".
-The "Do you know anything about Ascended Uioda" dialogue; consider changing "but Ascended Loriyen wishes to breif you on those matters" to read "but Ascended Loriyen wishes to brief you on those matters".
-The "How do I get to the Ascended Hall" dialogue; consider changing "due to Ascended Uioda's dissapearance" to read "due to Ascended Uioda's disappearance".
-Check all NPC's on this map I found at least four labeled "UGC Contact" including two standing right outside of the transporter room.

Loerina: This is a very nice map design with a lot of details, but the dialogue does not support the need for this map. Consider changing the nature of this map to allow the player to explore the city a little and talk to some of the locals. The map transfer dialogue eludes to the people seeming too good to be true, but how would the player know that since they have interacted with no one other than the “Transporter Operator” on this map.
-The "Waveloid Transporter Operator" dialogue; consider changing "It would be located directley behind me" to read "It is directly behind me".

Ascended Council: This is a nice map design but there needs to be a little more attention to some of the details. The story dialogue is well written but seems rather short. Consider adding a little more detail to the interaction with Ascended Loriyen. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial entry hall the woman levitating the Federation personnel is labeled "UGC Contact". The two security guards are also labeled "UGC Contact".
-All three NPC's in the hall are labeled "UGC Contact".
-All NPC's in the room, except Ascended Loriyen, are labeled "UGC Contact".
-The "Ascended Loriyen" dialogue; consider changing "Step onto the platform on the left of the room" to read "Step onto the platform on the east side of the room".
-The "Already" dialogue; consider changing "No pressure on youu [Rank]" to read "No pressure on you [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "I thknk I understand" to read "I think I understand".

Ascended Council Member Uioda’s Living Quarters: The map design is good with very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post scan dialogue; consider changing the response button "Set Weapons to Kill" to read "Set weapons to kill".
-Consider balancing the battles. By dumping two enemy mobs right on top of the player it forced me to respawn three times. The battle is hard enough on normal and I would bet is almost impossible on elite.
-The post initial battle dialogue; consider changing “theres a body over there” to read “there’s a body on the upper level next to the bed”. Depending on where the player is when the fighting is done that would make it easier to find the body.
-The post "Check Unidentified Vulcan" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Shes dead" to read "[Rank], she's dead".
-Consider changing "Well this isnt normal" to read "Well this isn't normal".
-Consider changing "Also, notice theres blood comming" to read "Also notice there's blood coming from".
-Consider changing "use their telepathy on other spieces to manipulate" to read "use their telepathy on other species to manipulate".
-The second battle is far tougher than the initial battle. Again it is tough enough on normal and would probably be impossible on elite.

Ascended Council#2: This is a good map design but there needs to be a little more attention to some of the details. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider balancing the battle on this map too.
-There’s several NPC’s labeled “UGC Contact”.
-The "Ascended Loriyen" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Theres a dead Vulcan in Uioda's quarters" to read "There's a dead Vulcan in Uioda's quarters".
-The post "Ambush" dialogue; consider changing "bypass out planet's sheilds" to read "bypass our planet's shields".

Loerina#2: This is a nice map design but there needs to be a little more attention to some of the details. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider balancing the battle on this map too.
-There’s several NPC’s labeled “UGC Contact”.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], The transporter is ready" to read "[Rank], the transporter is ready".
-Consider changing "If we're going to get any indication where Uioda is at she'll be the key" to read "If we're going to get any indication where Uioda is at she may be the only key".

Atlantis Docking Station Delta#2: This is a nice map design but there needs to be a little more attention to some of the details. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There’s several NPC’s labeled “UGC Contact”.
-Consider balancing the battle on this map too.

Atlantis#2: This is a nice map design but there needs to be a little more attention to some of the details. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Plot point: on the planet we battled Devidians and now in orbit we are battling Hirogen. Where is the connection and when was it indicated in the story dialogue?
-Consider changing the mission task “Secure area around the Wrap Gate” to read “Secure the area around the Warp Gate”.
-Consider balancing the battle on this map too. I engage a very large group as soon as I spawn, almost getting killed a couple of times to find when I’m done “Secure area around the Wrap Gate” task with 0/4 accomplished. Then you cluster of a battleship and several frigates all around the gate so the player has to engage all of them by themselves at the same time. This is almost impossible to defeat on normal so it is probably completely impossible on elite. Consider spreading out the enemy mobs around the gate to make it more reasonable for the player to engage them by themselves.
-The post "Secure area around Wrap Gate" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [LastName] of the [ShipName] Please standby" to read "[Rank] [LastName] of the [ShipName], please standby".
-Consider changing the response button "I hope this doesnt take long" to read "I hope this doesn't take long".
-Consider changing "[Rank], I detect Devidians re-enforcements" to read "[Rank], I detect Devidian reinforcements".
-Consider changing the response button "Your Input is noted ." to read "Your input is noted."
-The dialogue "[Rank], I detect Devidians re-enforcements" supports my point regarding the plot issue above for this map.
-Consider changing the response button "The Devidians wont get away with this" to read "The Devidians won't get away with this".
-Consider changing "[Rank], a ship just came through the gate ,and is blocking our course" to read "[Rank], a ship just came through the gate, and is blocking our course".
-The "U.S.S. Eclipse" dialogue; consider changing "I need you to beam her over to my vessel immedieatly" to read "I need you to beam her over to my vessel immediately".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Beam Q'oula over now or face a court marshal" to read "[Rank], beam Q'oula over now or face court martial".
-Consider changing "I can run the scans I need to that your ship's equipment wont be able to find in time" to read "I can run the scans to find the answers I need. Your ship's equipment won't be able to find those answers in time".
-Consider changing "body over immedietly enter the event horizon" to read "body over immediately enter the event horizon".
-Consider changing "Ill be in touch soon" to read "I'll be in touch soon".

---------End Report Part 2----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You have a good mission that just needs some polishing to make it a great mission. I look forward to reviewing
Brian

This critique report also filed 06/03/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
06-06-2012, 04:53 PM
(Bump for my Re-release of Ep.1)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
06-14-2012, 12:24 PM
(Bump for the release of the 2nd episode in The Wave Empire series)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyline45 View Post
Hey Evil70th, I've got the second episode in my series ready to add to your que. I understand it will be a while, but your input is still very much appreciated and valued ^.^

Thank you for your time.

Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.2
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HRDEHNDQN
Est. Time: 1hr 20min
Recommended Difficulty: Normal
Method of Report Delivery: Forum
Description:
After reporting in with Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline, your orders are to investigate a long forgotten planet that the Waveloids hoped would stay buried. While there the mysteries you'll discover will lead to the prospect of all out intergalactic war.
Federation Mission - The Wave Empire Ep.2
Author: Skyline45
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRDEHNDQN

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with good map design, very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to all players who like a mission with very tough battles and a good story. I would not recommend you play it on Elite level as the battles on most of the maps are pretty tough even on Normal.

There are some spelling issues but the biggest issue I recommend you work on is the battle balancing. Most players like a good battle oriented mission along with a good story. However most players do not like being killed over and over while trying to defeat the enemy. There is no strategy in resurrecting over and over. It is not just the level of the enemy mobs on the map it is also the number of them. Too many battles in a mission, either required or optional, can become tedious. I would recommend adjusting the level and number of fights in the mission.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

MAPS:
Undisclosed Rendezvous Point: This is a simple map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

U.S.S. Eclipse Interior: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the word "spiece" to read "species" all locations in the dialogue and response buttons.

Undisclosed Rendezvous Point#2: This is a good map design with a tough battle and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Reliokah: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "Why would the Klingons, Romulans, and Hirojens be working with the Devidians to read "Why would the Klingons, Romulans, and Hirogens be working with the Devidians.

Reliokah's Surface: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Three out of four of the enemy mobs are Reman. Was that intentional?
-Consider toning down the comedy in the dialogue.
-Consider changing "Thats not the only thing I can do with my tounge" to read "That's not the only thing I can do with my tongue".

Ancient Waveloid Research Facility: This is a good map design with a lot of very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I like that you did make me go to separate locations to shutdown the force field. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Ascended Uioda" dialogue; consider changing "Ill lead them out after these force fields are down" to read "I'll lead them out after these force fields are down".
-The post "Get back to Ascended Uioda" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets show them where to find their friends" to read "Let's show them where to find their friends"
-Be careful where you put the respawn point. It was right in the middle of two of the fighting groups.
-The "Daimon Uioda" dialogue; consider changing "You feel right for my trap" to read "You fell right into my trap".
-Consider chnaging "The Misthi aren't just a sub-spiece of Waveloids" to read "The Misthi aren't just a sub-species of Waveloids".
-Consider changing "The failed expirement that is" to read "The failed experiment that is".
-There are too many high level enemy mobs to fight through. You did add a respawn point in the north hall but it respawns you right in the middle two groups. You should balance the fighting, it was hard enough, almost impossible on normal so I imagine it would be impossible on Elite.

Reliokah: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post call for reinforcements dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We're just a couple of minutes out" to read "[Rank], we're just a couple of minutes out".
-Consider changing "I'm reading Romulan, Hirojen, and Klingon" to read "I'm reading Romulan, Hirogen, and Klingon".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "but we didnt bring an army" to read "but we didn't bring an army".

Fall Back Location: The map design is very nice and simple. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

U.S.S. Eclipse Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and is a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The NPC "Captain Yuina Skyline" is sitting above the chair.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission. I look forward to reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 06/16/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
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