Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 709
# 491
01-08-2013, 05:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliendejour View Post
I have an existing mission that is up for the Foundry Spotlight, however once you publish a spotlight mission you are unable to make any further changes.

So I'm hoping for a good pair of eyes to help locate typos, bugs, and other weak spots before I give my mission the grand final post.



Mission: Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Klingon
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hr (Full Dialog Tree Exploration may yield different results)
Method of Delivery: Forum Post

When the Klingon Empire abandoned Krios in 2368 the last Klingon governor declared that his house would one day return and retake the planet. General Kern wants you to help him fulfill his father's final vow.
Hi Alien_de_jour,

Your mission is 2nd in the queue behind gulberat. I hope to get to the queue this weekend and will post the results here upon completion.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 709
# 492
01-08-2013, 05:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by rharkul View Post
Mission Name: The Red Dawn
Author: Website: Rharkul In game: Cythas@Zacs
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBPB28T3E
Estimated Mission Length: Thirty to Forty minutes.
Method of Report Delivery: In Game mail, please.
Description: Heavy Space Combat. Mild Dialog. Minimal Ground Combat.
Hi Rharkul,

Your mission is 3rd in the queue behind Alien_de_jour. I hope to get to your mission sometime this weekend. When it is done I will send you an in game email and will also post it in this forum.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 709
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
Mission: Finding Lascaux (1/2)
Author: gulberat
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length:60 min.
Method of Delivery: Forum Post

Description: Though some now serve capably as Starfleet officers, mystery surrounds the Pakleds and how they came to be found drifting nearly helpless amongst the stars capable of seemingly little, yet alive.

The Federation and Cardassians have tasked you with finding the remnants of their history--and bringing the interveners to account.

------------

This is a story-oriented mission with a bit of space combat. Please note that I am very new to the Foundry and still not sure of a lot of its mechanics. Also, if you spot a typo, please let me know where! Thanks!
Federation Mission - Finding Lascaux (1/2)
Author: gulberat
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTUXMIUDS

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission with excellent story dialogue and good map designs. The battles that you spread out in the mission fit well within the overall story. It is a long mission but I hardly notice the length thanks to your story dialogue and tasks. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with good map design.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an interesting description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: The initial task gives a clear location for to meet the contact. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Deep Space Nine (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing the need for the player to go to Ops to continue the mission. The dialogue is well written but I see no need for the player to go there for one dialogue window and then head to the ship.

Cardassia Prime: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point closer to the interaction. The long flight did not seem to add anything to the story.

Cardassian Ministry of Science: This is a good map design with very detailed and excellent dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of optional dialogue. Consider changing the optional dialogue you have on this map and change it to triggered optional dialogue. This allows you to make the dialogue go away after the player has interacted with it. It can also be set to go away depending on what the player does.
-Consider changing "they bear their?girth?quite" to read "they bare their?girth?quite", unless you were using the term "bear" as in the animal.

Cardassia Prime: I understand what you are trying to do with this map but I am not sure it is needed. The player spawns, flies across the map and transfers to the next map. Consider re-writing the map transfer dialogue from the previous map to indicate the ship would warp to the nebula as soon as the player beams aboard.

Betreka Nebula Research Site: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the task of scanning three derelicts to scanning only one. The need to scan the three ships felt unneeded.

Derelict Freighter: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider breaking the "Scan bodies" task into separate tasks with dialogue after each explaining what the scan found on that body. It feels odd that we scan five bodies before the Science BOFF tells the player what they found.
-Consider changing the "Record evidence of slavery" task into a single scan of all cages. The need to record each one seems unnecessary.
-Consider changing the "Scan Borg technology" task into a single scan of all the equipment. The need to scan each one seems unnecessary.

CDS Ghemor Bridge: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I appreciate you providing the "Easy" button for the puzzles. I am not always in the mood to do math problems while playing a mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Betreka Nebula Research Site: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

A Chilling Conclusion: This map has excellent story dialogue and serves as a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used does not work very well. Consider reorienting the map so the ship is facing west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission despite being new to the Foundry. I thoroughly enjoyed the mission.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/12/2013 on forum posting for: First Foundry Mission: Finding Lascaux (1/2)
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 874
# 494
01-12-2013, 11:42 AM
Thanks for playing my mission!

I'm not sure if I will have the time to edit all of the maps, but I will take a look at some of them and see if there are some quick changes that can be made to streamline it without a complete overhaul. Your points will definitely be taken into consideration whenever I get underway for the design of Part 2.

Just one point--on the bear/bare thing...these two words have several meanings.

"Bear" can also mean "to carry," just as in Frodo the "Ring-bearer." What I mean with that sentence is that since they are naturally evolved to carry a greater amount of weight as protection against a cold climate, they do not suffer the negative effects of (for instance) an obese human. (And indeed, it would not be called obesity, but normal.)

"Bare" means "to show," as in, the Orion woman just about bares it all. That definitely is not happening here, and I think everyone, including Gredevel himself, is in agreement on making sure that does not happen. LOL!
-----------
Do you like story-based Foundry missions? If so, please check out my mission, "Finding Lascaux."


Last edited by gulberat; 01-12-2013 at 11:51 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 514
# 495
01-12-2013, 01:14 PM
I've hit issues where my natural wordiness is unduly obfuscatory.

For example, 'record of lading'
"Typo!"
'How so?'
"You mean 'loading'"
'N... not really... look it up.'
"... Oh."

Ah well.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 53
# 496
01-12-2013, 04:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by evil70th View Post
Hi Alien_de_jour,

Your mission is 2nd in the queue behind gulberat. I hope to get to the queue this weekend and will post the results here upon completion.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Many, many thanks for the (soon to be) review. You do Foundry authors an invaluable service.


Quote:
Originally Posted by zahinder View Post
I've hit issues where my natural wordiness is unduly obfuscatory.

For example, 'record of lading'
"Typo!"
'How so?'
"You mean 'loading'"
'N... not really... look it up.'
"... Oh."

Ah well.
I thought it was Bill of Lading not Record of Lading. Though I suppose it works either way.

For those not in the know a bill/record of lading is used in shipping cargo. It tracks who owns it, where it's to be shipped to... etc.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 709
# 497
01-13-2013, 11:29 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
Just one point--on the bear/bare thing...these two words have several meanings.

"Bear" can also mean "to carry," just as in Frodo the "Ring-bearer." What I mean with that sentence is that since they are naturally evolved to carry a greater amount of weight as protection against a cold climate, they do not suffer the negative effects of (for instance) an obese human. (And indeed, it would not be called obesity, but normal.)

"Bare" means "to show," as in, the Orion woman just about bares it all. That definitely is not happening here, and I think everyone, including Gredevel himself, is in agreement on making sure that does not happen. LOL!
Good catch. I didn't even think of that. So you can ignore that correction suggestion. Good work and thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 709
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliendejour View Post
I have an existing mission that is up for the Foundry Spotlight, however once you publish a spotlight mission you are unable to make any further changes.

So I'm hoping for a good pair of eyes to help locate typos, bugs, and other weak spots before I give my mission the grand final post.



Mission: Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Klingon
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hr (Full Dialog Tree Exploration may yield different results)
Method of Delivery: Forum Post

When the Klingon Empire abandoned Krios in 2368 the last Klingon governor declared that his house would one day return and retake the planet. General Kern wants you to help him fulfill his father's final vow.
Klingon Mission - Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HDGNMQVYJ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: In my opinion this mission represents the heart of Klingon glory and honor. The map designs were excellent, the battles glorious, and the story dialogue outstanding. It is a long mission but I hardly noticed the length as I was riveted by the maps, battles and story throughout. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who love a mission of true Klingon honor and glory.

I would highly recommend you create a forum posting in "The Foundry For Star Trek Online - Mission Database" area for this mission. Even though it has over 1600 reviews it should be brought to the attention of all Klingon faction players.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Add the [ShipName] to my battle group" to read "You and the [ShipName] have a reputation that brings fear to the hearts of those who would oppose you".

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
The Gathering: This is a good map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used does not work very well. Consider reorienting the map so the ship is facing west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect.

Krios Space: This is an excellent map design with several glorious battles and very weel written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the first enemy engagement. It seems a little too far away.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "until there are klingon boots on Krios" to read "until there are Klingon boots on Krios".

Landing Craft: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ensign Ep'Ha dialogue; consider changing "My family have been sark-herds for centuries" to read "My family have been sark-herders for centuries".
-The Jaer dialogue; consider changing "Now [Rank]/ about the rules on looting" to read "Now [Rank], about the rules on looting".

Krios Prime, Shamrata City: This is a great map design with several glorious battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Find Allies" dialogue; consider changing "Stupid klingon goat" to read "Stupid Klingon goat".
-Consider changing "Or do orions not deserve" to read "Or do Orions not deserve".
-Consider changing "Find the gorn engineers" to read "Find the Gorn engineers".
-Consider changing the optional dialogue with the Kriosian Officer and Soldier to triggered dialogue. Once the player interacts with them the dialogue goes away.
-Consider making the Kriosian Civilian triggered dialogue.

Krios Prime, Safe House: This is a great map design with glorious battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point is a long way from the first objective. Consider moving it closer to the first objective.
-The cowering Kriosians behind the Princess are standing on top of each other. Consider moving them to each side of the Princess.

IKS Borotai: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and wraps up this mission nicely. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a fantastic job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.

Last edited by evil70th; 01-13-2013 at 02:31 PM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 709
Quote:
Originally Posted by rharkul View Post
Mission Name: The Red Dawn
Author: Website: Rharkul In game: Cythas@Zacs
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBPB28T3E
Estimated Mission Length: Thirty to Forty minutes.
Method of Report Delivery: In Game mail, please.
Description: Heavy Space Combat. Mild Dialog. Minimal Ground Combat.
Federation Mission - The Red Dawn
Author: Rharkul
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBPB28T3E

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a combat oriented mission with several tough battles and just enough story dialogue to help move it forward. The underlying story is okay but follows too much of a different sci-fi series. I would caution you on using these other series stories to fill in the story of a purely combat oriented mission. There are plenty of Star Trek oriented stories to draw on.

The map designs are nice and simple with more than enough enemy mobs to entertain any combat oriented players. If you like heavy combat oriented missions with little story to bog you down then you will love this mission. I would not recommend you play it on any level higher than Normal as it was hard enough at that level. Otherwise it is an enjoyable combat mission.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "ESD Transporter Room, Right Exit .Play options" to read "ESD Transporter room, right exit. Play options".

Mission Task: You should consider adding the start location to your initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt should be used to set up the story the player is entering. Consider changing the dialogue from the same note at the end of your grant dialogue to something that serves to set the scene for the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Earth: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
"[Rank], We've arrived at the Sol System" to read "[Rank], we've arrived at the Sol System".

Vulcan: This is a nice map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Research Facility: This is a simple map design with several very tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Sir, A Borg Probe just jumped into Orbit" to read "Sir, a Borg probe just jumped into orbit".
-Consider adding re-spawn points further into the map.

Sol System: This is a nice map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Wolf 359: This is a nice map design but I am not sure of the purpose. The story dialogue explaining the new drive system and the concerns regarding the Borg are well done. The delivering of engineering teams seems odd considering the players ship is the only one that fought at Earth, Vulcan, the Research Facility, and the Sol System. I would consider removing the delivery tasks. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "what promoted the sudden attack" to read "what prompted the sudden attack".
-Consider changing "contact Doctor O'nielto get more" to read "contact Doctor O'niel to get more".

The Borg Fleet: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Our ship cannot take" to read "[Rank], our ship cannot take".

The Jump: This is a nice map design with a good wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], We've completed the jump" to read "[Rank], we've completed the jump".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Looks like you're ship faired better than mine" to read "[Rank], looks like your ship fared better than mine".
-Consider changing "we have life support" to read "We have life support".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is good for a combat oriented mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/13/2013 via in-game email.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Ensign
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 13
# 500
01-17-2013, 11:00 PM
I'd like it if you could give me some feed back on one of my missions. I have 2 so far, this one is my first one. I'm always interested in some advice that could help me improve my foundry skills.

Mission Name: The Cube
Author: TheGow
Minimum Level: 41
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

The Federation has discovered an abandoned cube in Borg Space. You are assigned to investigate along with Captain Williams, a new Captain on his first command in the newly built starship U.S.S. Hope.

Your mission: To search the Borg cube for information and technology that might aid in the war against the Borg.

Combination of Space combat, Ground Combat, and Story.

Thanks!
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