Mission Name: The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: @bort1980
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: not too sure - Not in-game at present so I can't check.
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30 mins.
Method of Report Delivery: In game mail to Jinx@bort1980 please.

This is my first Foundry mission, and I'd like to get some feedback on it. It is kind of a story mission that ties in with the character background I'm writing for my main STO character (she appears in the mission as Lieutenant Kaylan Jinx).

Hi TheGow,

You are first up in the queue. I will try to get to your mission either this evening or tomorrow. I will post here when completed.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian

Hi bort1980,

You are second in the queue behind TheGow. I hope to get to that mission this evening or first thing in the morning tomorrow. I will then try to get to yours right after that. I am going to be changing the feedback report delivery available and remove the in game mail as well as email options and go strictly with forum postings. Sending the reports via the email options are difficult at best. You will be the last author to receive the report via in game mail. It will also be posted here in the forums.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian

Federation Mission - The Cube
Author: TheGow
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission, especially since it is your first creation in the Foundry. The map designs are good, the battles are tough, and the story dialogue is very well written. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite level, I certainly would recommend it on Normal. It was a fun roller coaster ride of a mission. I think you should create a forum post entry to draw more players to your mission.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the last paragraph up to between the first and second paragraph. In the flow of the story it would make more sense there.

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Ready to go at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to go on your order [Rank]".

MAPS:
Hotep System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings [Rank], It's a pleasure to meet you" to read "Greetings [Rank], it's a pleasure to meet you".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam in at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam in on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Let's go" to read "Energize"

Abandoned Borg Cube: This a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the optional dialogue to triggered dialogue that goes away after the player interacts with it.
-Consider having the Engineer near the alcoves in the first chamber using a scanning animation rather than just standing there.
-The post "Deactivate the forcefield" task dialogue; consider changing the response button "continue" to read "Here we go" or something along those lines.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "energize" to read "Energize"

U.S.S. Hope Bridge: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the optional dialogue to triggered dialogue that goes away after the player interacts with it.
-The Captain Williams dialogue; consider changing "My mother and father were research scientist studying the Borg for the federation" to read "My mother and father were research scientists studying the Borg for the Federation".
-Consider changing the response button "go back" to read "Go back".
-Consider changing the response button "so the Hope is a new ship?" to read "So the Hope is a new ship?"
-Consider changing the mission task "go to the bridge" to read "Go to the bridge".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam you up at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".

Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Talk to Lt. Lex" and "Talk to Lt. Lain" into separate story dialogue that follows each other. The "Talk to Lt. Lex" dialogue makes more sense before the "Talk to Lt. Lain" dialogue, which mentions things like cutting off the Borg from the collective before Lt. Lex reports the dampening field. Changing it would guarantee the player reads it in the correct order so the story flows better.
-The "Interrogate the Drone" task dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yeah i know, I know" to read "Yeah I know, I know".
-Consider changing "We thought the device to be destroyed during the attack on our vessel" to read "We thought the device was destroyed during the attack on our vessel".

Borg Cube: This is a good map design with several very tough battles throughout. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Search the area" task; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Stay sharp" or something along those lines.
-With the high level enemy mobs on the map you should consider adding re-spawn points deeper into the map.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam you up at your command Captain" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]". I recommend the use of [Rank] vice Captain since you have used it on the map transfer dialogue throughout previous maps.

Outer Hull: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the forcefield" task dialogue; consider changing "they will perceive us as a treat" to read "they will perceive us as a threat".
-In the dialogue you mention the Cube dropping out of warp again, If during this map the Cube is supposed to be at warp consider adding the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect to the map. Then when the dialogue regarding "dropping out of warp" is triggered you can make the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" disappear.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to transport at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "energize" to read "Energize"

Borg Space: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Pull yourself together captain" to read "Pull yourself together Captain".
-Consider changing "but he will go down in the History books" to read "but he will go down in the history books".
-Just a note, the U.S.S. Hope still shows up on the screen after the explosion. I understand in the Foundry there is no way to make a ship disappear but consider removing it all together. You trigger the explosion and the Captain Williams final dialogue with a reach marker so the player will most likely not notice the U.S.S. Hope is not there. This would keep it from remaining on the screen after it is destroyed.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job, especially considering this is your first mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

Thanks for all of your feedback. I'm going to go through your post and use it to help work on the changes you have recommended. It was really nice to get such an in-dept report on my mission and pointing out the specifics.

Once again, thanks for trying out my mission and I appreciate the help you have given me.

Always glad to help. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for aithoring,
Brian

Federation Mission - The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: bort1980
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HEB223KPR

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission, especially for your first one. The mission is about 45 to 60 minutes when you factor in the battles, but it was enjoyable enough with a balance of action and dialogue that I hardly noticed. The map designs are great, the story dialogue is very well written, and the battles are tough, but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors throughout your mission, which demonstrates a good attention to detail. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite, due to the tough nature of the battles, I would highly recommend it on Normal level to all players.

Well I have not had to mention the use of the response button "Continue" in a very long time. The response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for dialogue throughout the mission. There are some places in the dialogue where "Continue" will work but many times it just does not fit, particularly when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but to me it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.

I mentioned your use of the word "Interact" for accessing consoles on a couple of the maps below. The word "Interact" is the default response in the Foundry for objects the player can interact with. Consider changing it to "Access console" or something along those lines. The default response as in the use of "Continue" above is a little lazy. Yes I know, in both cases the folks who design Cryptic missions do the same thing, and it annoys me there too, but I cannot really do anything about that. Maybe the writers will read these reports one of these days and start changing their missions too.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is good but might need a little more story to help draw the player in. Your goal is to make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue but may need a little more story to it. As with the description your goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Honod 4 Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial map entry; consider adding a short dialogue from the Science BOFF indicated the arrival of the ship and the location of the U.S.S. Trebuchet.
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.

U.S.S. Trebuchet, Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional crew to the bridge working at the other stations. It looks odd for the bridge to have only two people working on it.
-The use of the response button "Continue".

Honod 4 Ground: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles. From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.

Borg Complex: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles.

Honod 4 Space 2: This is a goodt map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the development of the story and the overall creation of this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/20/2013 on forum posting for: The Empty Shell

Thanks for the review Brian. I've ben in and made a few changes based upon your recommendations, as well as a few given by others.

Glad to help as always.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian

Mission Name: Borg Battleship Paradox
@Handle: @Q400
Minimum level:
Allegiance: (Fed or Klingon; the story doesn't change.)
Estimated Mission Length: 10 Minutes