Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,824
# 751
10-07-2013, 09:53 PM
Mission name: Of Morals and Ethics
Author: voporak
Minimum level: 35
Allegiance: Fed
Project ID: ST-HEA5OL86A
Estimated length: 40-60 minutes, depending on how much and how fast you read the dialogue (it's important to knowing what's going on), according to my friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramming Speed at its finest.
[Combat (Self)] Your Ramming Speed III deals 158125 (201492) Kinetic Damage(Critical) to [Player's Scimitar].
We are the Borg. Irrelevancy is irrelevant. ~ Cry OP, and let slip the devs of nerf!
Check out my STO Youtube channel!
Why are you hovering over my signature? Play my mission! :-)
Lieutenant
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
# 752
10-08-2013, 02:34 AM
Might I request a review for my latest mission, "Alliances and Alignments"? It's been published for a few days now, but it hasn't received any ratings. Kind of sad...

Thank you!
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
# 753
10-08-2013, 06:57 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by donperk View Post
OT, but Congratulations, Evil70th! It sounds like you had a great weekend.
Thanks. The whole family had a great time, and I now have a new son-in-law. He will be just fine as he is a big time Star Trek fan as well.

Okay, now I am getting back to the reviews.

Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
# 754
10-08-2013, 07:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by voporak View Post
Mission name: Of Morals and Ethics
Author: voporak
Minimum level: 35
Allegiance: Fed
Project ID: ST-HEA5OL86A
Estimated length: 40-60 minutes, depending on how much and how fast you read the dialogue (it's important to knowing what's going on), according to my friends.
Hi Voporak,

Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 15th in the queue behind varzec. I plan to get back into the queue no later than this weekend so I will get to your mission as soon as possible.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
# 755
10-08-2013, 07:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by admirison View Post
Might I request a review for my latest mission, "Alliances and Alignments"? It's been published for a few days now, but it hasn't received any ratings. Kind of sad...

Thank you!
Hi Admirison,

Welcome to the queue. This is a Federation mission, correct? Your mission is 16th in the queue behind voporak. It may take a little while before I can review it. In the meantime I would suggest creating a posting here in the forums to tell other players more about your mission. Give them a little story to draw them in and get them to click the 'Hail' button. You can also post on the StarBase UGC to help draw in more players. I will review your mission as soon as I can.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
# 756
10-08-2013, 09:17 AM
Yes, it's a Federation mission. I created a thread for my missions a few days ago, and I've noticed some of my previous missions have received a few recent ratings, which is great! But I haven't seen much traffic for the new one yet.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
# 757
10-08-2013, 10:09 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by admirison View Post
Yes, it's a Federation mission. I created a thread for my missions a few days ago, and I've noticed some of my previous missions have received a few recent ratings, which is great! But I haven't seen much traffic for the new one yet.
Give it time and see if you can bump the posting to right before the weekend. That usually helps boost the plays. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaelinpaladin View Post
Brian - very gracious of you to offer to do this, and in such detail. This is my first Foundry attempt, though it has progressed through a couple major edits based on feedback and personal play-through and reflection. Begins in Q'onoS (shipyard, console behind the ship repair engineer). I appreciate it!


Mission Name: Imperial Incursion
Author: shillelagh73
Minimum Level: Any, ideally 50.
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HP7S8HVR6
Estimated Mission Length: 15-20 minutes (standard difficulty)
Klingon Mission - Imperial Incursion
Author: shillelagh73
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HP7S8HVR6

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a straight forward combat oriented mission with several tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written and is just enough to add to the mission and not detract from the combat nature of it. I would definitely recommend this mission to players who like tough, glorious battles combined with minimal story dialogue.

I mention the use of Q'pla vice Qapla' below. There were several places on the maps below where you used Q'pla vice Qapla' in the story dialogue. According to the STO Wiki page the correct spelling of the word is Qapla'. This is also indicated in several references to the word in TNG throughout the series. You also used the correct spelling in some of the dialogue on the last map.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a simple description. Consider adding a little more detail to the description. The goal should be to draw player's in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is simple like the description but like the description this is another place where you can draw the player into to play your mission. Consider adding more story to the grant dialogue to entice the player to click the 'Accept' button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Q'pla, [LastName]" to read "Qapla', [LastName]".

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of your first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
The Bortas: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue but the map seems unnecessary. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing this map and moving the dialogue to follow the accept mission grant dialogue. Then the player goes to the ship yard to beam up to the ship.

Federation Station: This is a good map design with several glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written and just enough to move the mission forward. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Q'pla! For the Empire" to read "Qapla'!".
-The "Prepare for bombardment" dialogue; consider changing "Begin preparations for our return to Q'onoS" to read "Begin preparations for our return to Qo'noS".
-The "Priority Message" dialogue; consider changing "Q'pla! For the Empire" to read "Qapla'!". From this point I will note the maps where Qapla' is misspelled and cover it in the summary above.
-Consider changing "A traitorous p'taq" to read "A traitorous petaQ".

Heart of the Station: This is a good map design with several glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written and serves to drive the mission forward. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Confront The Honorless" dialogue; consider changing response button "when your mother mated with a p?org" to read "when your mother mated with a targ".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job for your first Foundry mission in developing this combat oriented scenario. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/08/2013 on forum posting for: Q'pla! [KDF] - My first Foundry attempt!
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello, Evil 70th, I have a couple of missions I would like for you to review, I will give you the information that you will need.

Please note, Part one starts at the end of my other series and this part continues the story but playing the other series is not needed but you might be confused.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

Mission Name: The Fvain Group part one. ( Most of this mission is done in flashbacks)
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUUBIG8KJ
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 min to an hour. Depends on you.

Story:From the Borg---Jem' Hadar battle crisis came a group of officers who are plotting the downfall of the Federation by any and all means. They have triggered some sort of splinter group. Enemies are now allies and allies are now enemies. Can you put a stop to this before this group successful. If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area? Where did this group come from and who leads this group? How big is this group? The answer may or may not surprise you.

Starting place: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

Thank you for taking the time to play and review my missions.

Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Fvain Group part one
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUUBIG8KJ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: Overall the concept of this mission is good. I did like how you executed the flashbacks. The map designs are good and the battles were tough but fun. Based on the issues with spelling, punctuation, and grammar I am assuming English is not your primary language. With that said the story dialogue needs a lot of work as outlined below. Additionally the story has a few holes in it that I have tried to outline below. Despite these issues I would still recommend the mission for all players as a fun mission to play.

I mention the use of story dialogue throughout each map where you use "i" vice "I". This combined with missing punctuation such as apostrophes in words like don't, can't and isn't serve to distract from the story. I have captured most of these issues below but may have missed some in my write up below. I would recommend going over all the dialogue in this mission and make sure you have addressed the issues outlined in this report.

In an earlier post in my forum I recommended authors use a script to write their missions similar to the one I use to write mine. I have also provided a sample of that script in that same posting. I highly recommend using this format combined with your favorite word processor. This script gives the author the ability to keep track of their story to ensure it makes sense. Writing a mission as you go in the Foundry will inevitably lead to mistakes in spelling and grammatical errors as well as punctuation.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Can you put a stop this before this group successful." to read "Can you put a stop to this before the group is successful?"
-Consider changing "If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area?" to read "If this group is successful it will change the balance power in the quadrant."
-Consider removing "The answer may or may not surprise you".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is exactly the same as the description. Your goal with the grant mission dialogue should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Can you put a stop this before this group successful." to read "Can you put a stop to this before the group is successful?"
-Consider changing "If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area?" to read "If this group is successful it will change the balance power in the quadrant."
-Consider removing "The answer may or may not surprise you".

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design although the dialogue needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The "Starfleet Security Reception" in the initial dialogue is a console vice an NPC. Was this intentional?
-The "Starfleet Security Reception" dialogue; consider changing -The "Starfleet Security Reception "i will call you when they are ready for you" to read "I will call you when they are ready for you".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok Thank you" to read "Okay. Thank you".
The post "Sit down on the Sofa" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], have you been in one of these security debriefings, here" to read "[Rank], have you participated in a security debriefing before".
-Consider changing the response button "Dont worry we did nothing wrong" to read "Don't worry, we did nothing wrong".
-Consider changing "To see how badly security of Starfleet and the Federation has been compromise" to read "To see how badly the security of Starfleet and the Federation has been compromised".
Consider changing the response button "Dont worry, we have nothing to worry about" to read "Don't worry about it".
-Consider changing the response button "i should go over and see what he wants" to read "I should go over and see what he wants".
-The "Mysterious contact" dialogue; consider changing the response button "But you didnt come this way just to talk about the fish" to read "But you didn't come here to talk about fish".
-Consider changing "Trust noone, not these guys" to read "Trust no one, not even these guys".
-Consider changing the response button "Why should i trust you" to read "why should I trust you".
-Consider changing "[Rank], i think its time to go back to your group" to read "[Rank], I think it's time to go back to your group".
-Consider changing the response button "Then we will take care of it then" to read "We will deal with that if we need to".
-The "Starfleet Security Reception" dialogue; consider changing "and its your second door on your left" to read "and it's the door to the left across the hall it's.
-The Away Team Rally Point does not work here. I have seen this when the author builds a set using a combination of exterior maps and building blocks. It may just be the particular floor blocks you used.
-The "Sit down" dialogue; consider changing "Hello, [Rank], i am Mr White, please come in and sit down" to read "Hello, [Rank], I am Mr. White, please come in and sit down". From this point I will only note the issue of capitalization on each map that I find it and then cover it in my summary.
-Consider changing the response button "I will try to remember what happened, Mr Black" to read "I will try to remember what happened, Mr. Black". From this point I will only note the incorrect use of punctuations to include the use of the apostrophe in words and the period as indicated in this comment.
-The entire exchange between the player, Mr. Black and Mr. White is entirely unnecessary to the mission. It serves no purpose and is not that funny. Consider removing it entirely. There are punctuation errors and spelling errors in the exchange but I am not going to cover them.
-Consider changing the response button "The rest was busy picking up the escape pods" to read "The rest were busy picking up the escape pods".
-Consider changing "so i gave the order to abonden ship before the warp core breached the ship" to read "so I gave the order to abandon ship before the warp core breached the ship".
-Consider changing "Lukcy for us that the U.S.S. Future was nearby to pick us up" to read "Lucky for us the U.S.S. Future was nearby".
-The player does not respond to Mr. Blacks questions "Was it luck, [Rank]". Consider having the layer give some sort of response or remove the question from Mr. Black.
-Consider reviewing the dialogue that follows Mr. Blacks question to ensure the names you used are spelled as you intended. Some of them appear to be incorrectly spelled. For example; "And Commanders Pennw, Pontq".
-Consider changing "[Rank], what was this mysterious contact name" to read "[Rank], what was this mysterious contacts name".
-Additional dialogue with "i" vice "I" being used. Additional dialogue with "dont" vice "don't"

Utopia Planitia: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The dialogue that is supposed to be the player answering Mr. Blacks question needs to be changed to [OOC] dialogue to match previous player dialogue format.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue; consider changing "You are ordered to disable the vessel then board her find and look for any information that helps us end this" to read "You are ordered to disable the vessel, board her, and find any information that will help us end this".
-Consider changing "This is one of the Federation most heavily armed vessel in the fleet and i will not allow this vessel to leave the area" to read "This is one of the Federations most heavily armed vessels and I will not allow it to fall into enemy hands".
-Consider changing "You are authorized to fire and destroy it" to read "You are authorized to fire on and destroy it".
-Consider removing "I will not let it leave this system". It is unnecessary to the story.
-Consider changing "[OOC]We had eight dead and five are missing including Jeff Hudson[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We had eight dead and five missing, including Jeff Hudson[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "He was beamed ove to the U.S.S. Havoc" to read "He was beamed over to the U.S.S. Havoc".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing "She is trying to leave deep space" to read "She is trying to outrun us".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".

U.S.S. Havoc's Bridge: This is a good map design with a fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], we have been beamed over to the aft of the bridge" to read "[Rank], we have been beamed over to the aft end of the bridge".
-Consider changing "Most of the vessels crew are in or around Engineering most likely to repair the damage that we caused" to read "Most of the vessels crew are in Engineering, most likely repairing the damage we caused".
-The post "Start the download" dialogue; consider changing "i recommand we beam back and take care of this vessel" to read "I recommend we beam back and take care of this vessel".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The post "Answer the hail" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Are you welling to fire and destroy another Federation vessel" to read "[Rank], are you willing to fire on and destroy another Federation vessel".
-Consider changing the response button "Jeff, Answer me this" to read "Jeff, why are you doing this".
-Consider changing "[OOC]how is that protecting the federation[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]how is that protecting the Federation[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]The Federation stand for peace and to peaceful explore and not to start wars and have dirty this uniform and you have betrayed that very uniform, and it is my duty to bring you and your group to justice[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Federation stands for peaceful exploration of the universe, not starting wars. You have soiled and betrayed that uniform. It is my duty bring you to justice[/OOC]".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response button with "Dont" vice "Don't"
-Consider changing the response button "Lock targets and fire" to read "Lock on target and fire".
-The post "Destroy the U.S.S. Havoc" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]He was only buying his time to repair his vessel so he could destroy us or call in help[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He was only trying to bide his time so he could repair his vessel so he could destroy us[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]I had my orders and it is was between us or him, I will always pick me and my crew[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I had my orders and if given a choice between him or my crew, I will always choose my crew[/OOC]".
-The question from Mr. Black "Your crew are your family, what would you not do to protect them" is never answered. Consider writing dialogue from the player or remove it.
-Consider removing Mr. White's dialogue prior to the map transfer dialogue. Based on the map transfer dialogue it makes this dialogue redundant.

Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing the response button "Its long and interesting" to read "It's long and interesting".
-Consider changing the response button "Its getting tiresome but they need to figure and investigate these things, I should be getting back" to read "It's getting tiresome but they need to investigate this thoroughly. I should be getting back".
-The Away Team Rally Point does not work here.
-The dialogue with "Admiral Mirren Sola" seems unnecessary.
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response button with "dont" vice "don't"
-Consider changing the response button "Oh joyness, now i know" to read "Now I know".

Aelas System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing the response button "I know that name, but cant remember where tho" to read "I know that name, but can't remember where though".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue with "Dont" vice "don't"
-Consider changing "We the Tal'Shiar can do what we want" to read "We the Tal Shiar can do what we want"
-Consider changing "[OOC]Sub Admiral, I am deeply sorry for your loss but under no choice will this vessel be boarded by you or any other member of the Romulan Tal'shiar[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Sub Admiral, I am deeply sorry for your loss but under no circumstances will this vessel be boarded by you or any other member of the Tal Shiar[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], you might stand a change against one maybe two of my vessels but not four of them" to read "[Rank], you might stand a chance against one, maybe two of my vessels, but not four of them"
-The dialogue seems to be out of order. There is dialogue that appears to be intended to occur before the "Answer hail" dialogue. Consider moving that dialogue to the front of the "Answer hail" dialogue.
-Consider changing "[OOC]It was almost two weeks later, we were travling through the Aelas system on our way back to Earth for our shore leave after a mission helping out the Romulan Republic out then some thing happen[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]It was almost two weeks later, we were traveling through the Aelas system on our way back to Earth for our shore leave. We had just completed a mission helping out the Romulan Republic when something happen[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "Then according to your reports, you and your vessel met up with Admiral Sola and her vessel and you guys met on her vessel" to read "Then according to your reports, you met with Admiral Sola and her vessel".
-Consider changing "[OOC]We would be receiving a package to transport to Earth and as soon as we completed the mission our shore leave will start[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We were to receive a package for transport to Earth. Once we completed the mission our shore leave could start[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]It was an Romulan Republic Ambassador on his way to Earth[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]It was a Romulan Republic Ambassador on his way to Earth[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Dont you find that suspicious" to read "[Rank], don't you find that suspicious".
-Consider changing the response button "No not really, i suupose the Admiral wanted to make sure he was safe and got to Earth safe" to read "No not really. I suppose the Admiral wanted to make sure he made it to Earth safely".
-Consider changing "A soon as you beam down the Ambassador to Earth, what did you fo and go" to read "Once the ambassador beamed down to Earth what did you do".
-Consider changing "[OOC]The Ambassador was transporter to Starfleet Medical under heavy security[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Ambassador was transported to Starfleet Medical under heavy security[/OOC]".
-Story plot point. Your dialogue indicates that the player takes an away team down to investigate the Embassy but the next map is the Medical Building. Consider changing the dialogue to indicate that you are taking an away team to investigate.

Medical Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing "Fifteen dead and twenty Two injured" to read "Fifteen dead and twenty two injured".
-Consider changing "You may but keep it short, the Ambassador is still in minor pain" to read "You may but keep it short, the Ambassador is still in pain".
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".
-Consider changing "[Rank], its good to see you" to read "[Rank], it's good to see you".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Fifteen were killed and Twenty two were injured[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Fifteen were killed and twenty two were injured[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Starfleet security is invesagating[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Starfleet security is investigating[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Any information that you have would be great[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Any information that you can give us would be helpful[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "My first time on Earth and it is spent at the medical building" to read "My first time on Earth and I am spending it at Starfleet Medical".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing the response button "As best as he could" to read "As best he could".
-Consider changing "[Rank], please do remember to take it slow and calm and please be careful to limit your questions" to read "[Rank], please take it easy, he is still in pain and needs his rest"
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".

Embassy: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is a minor detail but I was curious why there would be an Earth Embassy on Earth? Consider changing this to the Federation Council building or something along those lines.
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The Romulan Republic Ambassador dialogue; consider changing "I also noticed the great deal of security here aswell, most likely due to all the guests here at the embassy" to read "I also noticed a significant security presence, most likely due to the large number of guests visiting the embassy".
-The Starfleet Security dialogue; consider changing "Excuse me, sir, this room is off limits you may not enter this room until told so" to read "I am sorry sir but this room is off limits without authorization".
-Consider changing "[OOC]That is the new updated security protocol to prevent any issues happening before it starts[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]That is a standard security protocol to prevent unauthorized access to restricted areas[/OOC]".
-Consider removing "[OOC]But go on[/OOC]".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The Lethean dialogue; consider changing "We are busy so go away or ill kill you where you stand" to read "We are busy so go away or I'll kill you where you stand".
-The Romulan Republic Ambassador dialogue; consider changing "Then I walked over to the Replicators to get something to drink and I bumped into, Mr White from Starfleet and wanted to talk" to read "Then I walked over to the replicators to get something to drink where I bumped into Mr. White from Starfleet. He wanted to talk".
-Consider changing the response button "What did he want" to read "What did he say".
-The Doctor dialogue; "You can come back at a later date to finish" to read "You can come back later".
-The doctor interrupts the questioning before the ambassador mentions the explosion that occurs. You should have him mention the blast before the doctor interrupts.

Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], its been fifteen hours, are you almost done" to read "[Rank], it's been fifteen hours, are you almost done".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The Starfleet Security Reception dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], there are ready to complete the debriefing with you, please go back to the room" to read "[Rank], they are ready to complete the debriefing with you. Please go back to the room".
-Consider changing the response button "Agreed" to read "On my way".
-The Mr White dialogue when the player enters the room is the same after the player sits down. Consider removing the duplicate dialogue after the player sits.
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing "He had asked me if I made any progress with the information he had given me and I told him no because I have been busy then he shood his head then left" to read "He asked if I had made any progress with the information he had given me. I told him I had not because I had been very busy. He shook his head and left without another word".
-Consider changing "Why didn't you ask him why he was at the Earth Embassy at the time" to read "Why didn't you ask him what he was doing at the embassy at the time of the explosion".
-Consider changing the response button "No, i decided not too because i didnt want him to find out that i knew he was there" to read "I decided not too because I didn't want him to find out that I knew he was there".
-The Map Transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], i think we might have found some items in some of the debris from the Embassy, please come to the Cargo bay" to read "[Rank], I think we may have found some evidence in the debris from the embassy. Please come to the cargo bay".

Cargo Bay: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], like I say I think we found five signs at who might have bombed our Embassy,I have the results here in Engineering and a sample in sick by, but im not too sure if we are right, so if you wouldn?t mind can you please double-check" to read "[Rank], I think we found evidence that may lead to who bombed our embassy. I sent samples to engineering and sickbay for analysis. Can you double check our readings to make sure we didn't miss anything".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The post "Scan the final piece debris" dialogue; "[Rank], there is a bio sample, as i suspected, i have already given it to the doctor and she said, she will add the information to the computer, so you can use the console over there" to read "[Rank], you have verified the DNA sample we found earlier. I sent the sample to sickbay for analysis and they have transferred the results to the computer. You can access the information at the console over there".
-The post "Get the results" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]We got the results back on the bio sample and it points out to be one of the Lethean members who was at the Embassy[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We retrieved the results of the DNA sample and it came from a member of the Lethean delegation at the embassy[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Thank to our quick thinking Tactical Officer we were able to track down the Vessel in question, it was traveling through deep space heading back to Klingon space" to read "Thanks to the quick thinking of my tactical officer we were able to track the Lethean delegations vessel. It was in deep space heading for Klingon space[/OOC]".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Lethean vessel?s Bridge: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The Lethean Captain dialogue; consider changing "That is a outragious thing to say, [Rank]" to read "That is an outrageous thing to say [Rank]".
-Consider changing "Yes were at the Embassy but we did not bomb your Embassy" to read "Yes we were there but we did not bomb your embassy".
-Consider changing "We also lost several officers in the bombing" to read "We lost several members of our delegation in the blast as well".
-Consider changing "Why would we bomb a Federation Embassy for" to read "Why would we bomb a Federation embassy".
-Consider changing the response button "I dont know but we have a bio sample linking you to it" to read "We have Lethean DNA linking you the explosion".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Go and use our console to prove it, we did touch it but did not planet it" to read "Leatheans handled the bomb but we did not plant it. Use out computers to verify I am telling the truth".
-Consider changing "[Rank], if we did do it, we would have done it right there would be no one around but a burnt hole in your ground where the Embassy used to be" to read "If we had bombed your embassy there would be nothing left but a hole in the ground".
-The post "Look at the computer banks" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we just finished going through their computer and there is no proof stating there was anyone else involved but we are not done yet" to read "[Rank], we have completed our initial analysis of their database and have found no evidence supporting the Lethean Captains assertion that there is anyone else involved. We are continuing our analysis".
-Consider changing the response button "You will be taking into custody and transported over to Starfleet security to answer for your crime" to read "You will be taken into custody and turned over to Starfleet security for further questioning".
-Consider changing "it appears to be a hologram of a Nuasicaan" to read "it appears to be a hologram of a Nausicaan".
-There is a hole in the story dialogue from when it mentions "a hologram of a Nausicaan" and when the player declares "the Romulan Republic Ambassador" is who bombed the embassy. As the player I already suspected him but there is no dialogue based on this map that indicates that conclusion. You need to rewrite the dialogue in this section to support that conclusion.
-The Doctor dialogue; consider changing "His blood is not of a Romulan but of a human" to read "His blood is not Romulan but Human".
-Consider changing "He had some short of blood device in his system to make his blood be green" to read "His blood contained a chemical which made it green".
-Consider changing "We wouldn't know anything about it unless we took a really good look at his blood" to read "The only way to detect the chemical would be a detailed analysis of his blood".
-Consider changing "I was about to question this person why it is human and not Romulan" to read "I was on my way to confront him about the chemical I found in his blood".
-Consider changing the response button "He was right infront of us and now he is gone" to read "He was right in front of us the whole time and now is gone".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing the response button "I don't know but when i do meet up with him i be sure to ask" to read "I don't know but when I catch him I will be sure to ask.
-The Kris Mento dialogue; Consider changing "[OOC]I want the truth to why you bombed the Embassy[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I want the truth. Why did you bomb the embassy[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], You can't handle the truth" to read "[Rank], you can't handle the truth".
-Consider changing the response button "You killed innocent people at the Embassy" to read "You killed innocent people at the embassy".
-Consider changing "[Rank], you want the truth?.fine here is the truth, [Rank], you are such a blind fool to think those people at the Embassy were innocent people" to read [Rank], you want the truth? Fine, here is the truth. None of those people in the embassy were innocent".
-Consider removing "There are no such thing as innocent people, they are all guilty" as redundant.
-Consider removing "Only guilty people" as redundant.
-Consider changing "IIf you want to know why i am doing this?.come and get me" to read "If you want to know why I am doing this then come and get me.
-Consider changing "Nothing, then we are here. I spent almost two weeks looking for him and his group with no luck" to read "[OOC]We spent almost two weeks looking for him and his group with no luck. Then we were told to report here to Starfleet security for questioning[/OOC]".
-The Map Transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are done, please go and go with your away team, we will come and talk to you before you go" to read "Thank you [Rank], we are done. Please return to the reception area and we will be out shortly to talk to you before you leave".

Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue and is a good summary to this mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Mr White dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are now done your debriefing and we are now fine with the fact that you or your crew had no actions helping them out" to read "[Rank], after completing your debriefing we believe neither you nor any member of your crew aided the terrorists in the attack".
-Consider changing "We might have some more questions for you later, but I will let you know" to read "We may have additional questions for you later".
-Consider changing the response button "Just send a transmission to my ship if you have any more questions" to read "Just let me know and I will be happy to answer them".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your development of this mission series is a great start but needs a little more work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/10/2013 on forum posting for: Logitech's new master list of missions
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 83
# 760 my mission part 1
10-10-2013, 07:36 PM
Hey Evil70th,

Thank you for reviewing part one and English is my primary language I must have missed a few items I have doubled check both of them a few times but I will be going through it as soon as I am done.

Thanks again. I can not wait till part 2 is reviewed by you.

I look forward for your opinions on part two and three. Thanks again. Logitech007
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