Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 897
# 961
04-14-2014, 08:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashkrik23 View Post
Hi Evil, I was wondering if you stillhad the notes from Scars of the pride, part 1 so I could see what typos needed to be fixed.
Hi ashkrik23,

I finished part 1 and am working on the report. There are few if any spelling errors so far. Most of what I am finding is grammatical errors. It will be a little bit before I finish the report and then publish it. Once I am done I will play part 2 and give my review.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 897
# 962
04-14-2014, 08:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by hypnosnake View Post
Thank you very much! It is most appreciated and I hope you enjoy the missions!
Thanks. Real life has a way of interfering sometimes but I will get to your mission as soon as I can.

Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,242
# 963
04-14-2014, 08:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by evil70th View Post
Hi ashkrik23,

I finished part 1 and am working on the report. There are few if any spelling errors so far. Most of what I am finding is grammatical errors. It will be a little bit before I finish the report and then publish it. Once I am done I will play part 2 and give my review.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Looking forward to both, thanks!
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
# 964
04-15-2014, 05:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by evil70th View Post
Hi Theatrrap,

Welcome to the queue and to the Foundry. Your mission is currently 21st in the queue behind darkfirewithin. I will review your mission as soon as possible.

In the meantime I have made many recommendations throughout my reviews in this forum. If you have questions please feel free to ask. If you have not been on StarBase UGC. I highly recommend the tutorials there.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Thank you very much! As a note, my time listed on the mission is likely wrong. I have run it a couple times since then and actually paid attention to the time it took and it is probably closer to an hour then 30 minutes.
Career Officer
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 178
Hi,

Hope you are doing well. I've submitted a new mission through the foundry and would like to request a mission report if possible:

Mission Name: Homage to Galris
Author: Joe_King
Minimum Level: Any Level
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFAZTV5AX
Estimated Mission Length: 30 to 45 minutes

The mission description is as follows:

As the war with the Klingons wages on, you and your gallant crew are called to Risa to investigate an incident aboard the U.S.S. Missouri. The Missouri was escorting the Andorian and Galrisian ambassadors to a trade conference between member and non-member worlds.

All is not as it seems and the future of the Federation depends on your actions.

Can you solve the mystery and save the Federation from a threat within its borders?

Thanks for your consideration!

Joe

Please leave comments or suggestions on the main thread for Homage to Galris at the following link.
Also feel free to check out some of my other projects at the following link.

Last edited by chepetico2; 07-07-2014 at 08:25 AM. Reason: Updated the mission description.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 897
# 966
04-17-2014, 08:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by chepetico2 View Post
Hi,

Hope you are doing well. I've submitted a new mission through the foundry and would like to request a mission report if possible:

Mission Name: Homage to Galris
Author: Joe_King
Minimum Level: Any Level
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFAZTV5AX
Estimated Mission Length: 30 to 45 minutes

The mission description is as follows:

This mission involves intrigue, mystery and action! This is a story driven mission, i.e. LOTS OF DIALOGUE, which introduces you to the Galrisians, a people driven from the Delta Quadrant by the Borg. There has been an incident at a trade conference in orbit around Risa and you must solve the mystery and save the Federation from a threat within its very borders. This mission calls for the best a Starfleet officer has to offer, good luck!

Thanks for your consideration!

Joe
Hi Joe,

Thanks for the request and welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 22nd in the queue behind Theatrrap. I like the author name you submitted under. I will review your mission as soon as I can.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Career Officer
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 178
# 967 Thanks Brian!
04-17-2014, 06:42 PM
Seriously... Joe_King is not an alias!

Thank you Brian!
Joe
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 897
# 968
04-21-2014, 12:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by chepetico2 View Post
Seriously... Joe_King is not an alias!

Thank you Brian!
Joe
It is still a good name. I am not joking.

Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 897
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashkrik23 View Post
Hi Evil, I wanted to submit the first 2 parts of my new series. This takes place after Perfection. All the info.

Scars of the Pride
Part 1:Vacation So Short
Synopsis,

It has been 7 months since the Borg's defeat at Cait. The galaxy has gradually recovered and rebuilt ever since then. You have played a fundamental role in bringing many civilizations back to a normal lifestyle. Now you have been given an extended vacation for both you and your crew to the planet of Bajor for a well-earned rest. Your time on leave will be cut short as a mysterious attack upon the city of Hathon will spark the flame of a new conflict. This new evil is malicious and old scars left upon some of your closest friends will burn once more. You will learn that there is more to the history of them than meets the eyes.

This is a story dialogue mission with some ground combat. Takes place after the Perfection Series. Recommend you play that first if you haven't already. This mission also assumes you saved M'Sarabi in Perfection, which is considered the canon ending.
Federation Mission - Scars of the Pride - Part 1: Vacation So Short
Author: ashkrik23
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID:

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The mission is good with nice map designs, balanced battles and well written story dialogue. There are several places in the dialogue that need some work but overall the story is solid. I would recommend this mission to all players who like a good balance between combat and dialogue.

Many authors have the player discuss issues and solutions with the BOFFs while still standing next to the cause of the issue. An example of this is in the 'Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue. After being harshly dismissed by the NPC the player proceeds to discuss it with the BOFFs. I would suggest having the player move away before continuing dialogue with the BOFFs regarding the encounter they had in the 'Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue. This might seem like a minor issue but try to think of the story in real world terms. In the real world most likely you would move away before discussing tactics or plans. It is something to consider as you go through the story.

In a few places the story dialogue appears to indicate the player or an NPC knows something of the story that they would have no way of knowing. An example of this is the 'Investigation' dialogue. In the dialogue "and see if there may be some kind of safehouse there" assumes there is a safehouse in that area. It just did not feel right in the story. That is why I recommended changing that dialogue to read "and see if we can determine where the suspect went". This is a type of foreshadowing but just felt awkward and gave a little too much away. The player should discover the safehouse as they investigate the old district of Hathon.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Bajor, City of Hathon: This is a nice map design and the dialogue is well written but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The 'Arival' dialogue; check the use of the word "Perhaps" in two sentences in a row does not work. Consider changing "Perhaps the can help point us" to read "Maybe they can point us".
-The 'Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue; consider changing the response button "I was seeing if you knew where to find the diner here" to read "Would you be able to direct us to a good place to eat".
-The 'Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue; consider changing the dialogue "We don't have time to try and give people directions" to read "We don't have time to give people directions".
-The 'Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue; consider changing the dialogue "Either go find it yourself or go bother someone else" to read "Go bother someone else".
-The 'Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue; consider having the player and BOFFs move away from the Ferasan NPCs before continuing the dialogue. The follow on dialogue between the player and the BOFFs does not feel right while still standing next to the Ferasan. I will cover this in more detail in the summary above.
-The 'Another Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue; it seems out of the way to cross the bridge over the pools just to be snubbed by the Ferasan. Consider moving the Ferasan to the other side of the pools.
-The 'Another Unfriendly Welcome' dialogue; consider changing the response button "I just needed to ask for directions to the local diner" to read "My apologies" and then end that dialogue.
-The 'Directions Finally Gained' dialogue; the BOFF said they overheard one of the 'locals' giving directions to find food. I noted that all of NPCs the player interacts with to get directions are Ferasan. After the first interaction it seems the player should have asked a local or other species. You seem to be going out of your way to point out the large number of Ferasan that are present in the city. Most of the interactions do not seem to add anything to the story.
-The 'A reunion with friends' dialogue; consider changing "So we came to pick one of our favorite drinks when we use to visit Bajor during our academy years" to read "I figured it was a great time to get one of my favorite drinks from my academy days".
-The 'A reunion with friends' dialogue; consider changing "You gave your life" to read "You risked your life".
-The 'A reunion with friends' dialogue; consider changing "I feel though I will never be able to repay you" to read "I will never be able to repay you".
-The 'A reunion with friends' dialogue; consider changing "Even in the darkest hour, you still had hope that you and your crew could break me free from the collective, and for that, I thank you" to read "When all hope seemed to be lost you refused to give up on me, and for that I thank you".
-The 'A reunion with friends' dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's just be careful with that while it's still got Borg programming" to read "We should exercise caution since it's Borg technology".
-The 'Directions to Taka's office' dialogue; consider changing "Admiral Taka's office should be near the Starfleet HQ here" to read "Admiral Taka's office should at the Starfleet offices not far from here".
-The 'Directions to Taka's office' dialogue; consider removing "It's over by streets deeper in the city" based on my other recommendation to change the dialogue above.
-The 'Suspicious activity' dialogue; consider changing "Hey, isnít that the Feresan we asked for help from earlier" to read "That looks like the Ferasan we asked for directions earlier".
-The 'Suspicious activity' dialogue; consider changing "What is she doing by herself out here" to read "What is she doing out here by herself".
-The 'Tension' dialogue; consider removing the response button "All right, sorry to bother you".
-The 'Tension' dialogue; consider changing the response button "Fixing a console all the way over here by yourself" to read "Fixing a console".
-The 'Tension' dialogue; the response button "Fine, fine, sorry to be a bother" seems odd. If it is suspicious activity then the player needs to confront the Ferasan more in depth. You could also simply change the response button to "I will speak to the council" or something along those lines.
-The 'Tension' dialogue; this is another example of when the player should move away before talking to the BOFFs. From this point I will note it and discuss it in the summary above.
-I noted that on some of the dialogue you have capitalized each word and on others only the first latter. Consider changing them to be consistent across the dialogue.

Taka's Office: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The 'Admiral Taka' dialogue; consider changing "my people is an endangered one" to read my people are an endangered species".
-The Change in plans' security officer dialogue; consider changing "Some kind of bomb just went out in one of the back alleys" to read "A bomb was set off in one of the back alleys".
-The Change in plans' security officer dialogue; consider changing "The blast was not intended to kill, but there seemed to be a release of some kind of gas" to read "It appears the bomb was not intended to kill but released some sort of gas".

Bajor, City of Hathon Under Attack: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The 'Medical Briefing' dialogue; you use the word "seems" in two sentences in a row. It reads awkwardly. Consider changing one of them to "appears".
-The 'Medical Briefing' dialogue; the medic does not know what the toxin is but somehow has a hypo with something in it that will stabilize the injured. That sentence contradicts itself. Add a line explaining why she thinks it will stabilize them. "It appears to acting on their breathing" or something related to the symptoms.
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider changing "causing issues between us and them" to read "causing issues between us and the Klingons". As it is currently written it is not clear who the word "them" is referring to.
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider changing "the Ferasans are like rogues" to read "the Ferasans are a rogue element".
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider changing "Knowing that Admiral Taka is here would inspire them to cause trouble for the Caitian people" to read "Admiral Taka's presence here appears to have inspired them to cause trouble for the Caitian people".
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider striking the line "Especially with us being so vulnerable after what the Borg did to Cait". The previous mission does not need to be referenced constantly in the dialogue of every NPC.
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider changing "and see if there may be some kind of safehouse there" to read "and see if we can determine where the suspect went". The fact that you, as the author, know that the next map is "Ferasan Safehouse" does not mean the NPC or player knows that. They are investigating to see what they find.
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider removing "additional" from the NPC statement regarding backup. The word "additional" implies that the player is entering the area with back up.
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider changing "Just be careful" to read "Be careful".
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; consider changing "These people are not someone to trifle with" to read "These Ferasan are not to be trifled with".
-The searching of the alleyway with the Mugato infestation; the presence of Klingon weapons crates and remodeling does not work well. If security has been working on removing the infestation for weeks someone would have noticed the crates and changes to the area. Consider changing the Klingon crates to generic crates that are left behind since the warehouses were abandoned. Remove the Klingon modifications from the walls and surrounding area. If you are going to have a "safe house" you would not want to call attention to it.
-The 'Investigation' dialogue; based on my recommendation above consider changing the entire dialogue starting with "Someone has been doing some remodeling here" to read "Aside from the Mugato infestation I get a bad feeling about this place. We should proceed with caution".
-The 'Map Transfer' dialogue; consider changing "This appears to be the entrance to the safehouse" to read "This appears to be an entrance to some sort of safe house".

Ferasan Safehouse: This is a good map design with several fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The 'The Safehouse' dialogue; consider changing "Picking up lifesigns all throughout the building" to read "I am picking up Ferasan life signs throughout the building".
-The 'The Safehouse' dialogue; consider changing "There are Ferasans everywhere" to read "The walls appear to be shielded. That would explain why external sensors did not detect the Ferasan here".
-The 'The Safehouse' dialogue; consider changing "I'm also detecting communication equipment signals here" to read "I'm also detecting signals that appear to be from communications equipment".
-The 'Communications Closed' dialogue; consider changing "All the equipment is destroyed now" to read "That should be the last of the communications equipment".
-The 'Communications Closed' dialogue; consider changing "I am picking up some data nodes in the next room" to read "I am picking up consoles that may contain data nodes".
-The 'Communications Closed' dialogue; consider changing "The files stored on them should provide us with needed information as to what they are doing here" to read "If those consoles contain data nodes we may be able to find out what the Ferasans are up to".
-Consider adding dialogue that pops up just before the player gets to the door of the next room. That dialogue would have confirmation that the consoles in the room contain data nodes.
-The 'Intentions Discovered' dialogue; consider changing "There are constant mentions of a mistress" to read "There are constant references to a mistress".

U.S.S. Simba Sickbay: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The 'Compiling the facts' dialogue; consider changing "trying to make peace between The Caitians and Ferasans" to read "trying to make peace between the Caitians and Ferasans".
-The 'Compiling the facts' dialogue; consider changing "He had lived on Cait for many years during that time" to read "He lived on Cait for many years".
-The 'Compiling the facts' dialogue; consider changing "His family lived with him during that time on Cait as well" to read "His family lived with him on Cait".
-The 'Compiling the facts' dialogue; consider changing "And with that brainwashing she winded up here eventually" to read "And with that brainwashing she wound up here".
-The 'Compiling the facts' dialogue; consider changing "We should probably send out a system-wide message to stay alert" to read "We will send out a system wide alert to watch for any suspicious activity in the area".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next part in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 04/21/2014 on forum posting for: Ashkrik23's foundry missions.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Hi Evil70th, I recently published my first ever foundry mission. If you could add it to your list, I'd appreciate that. Here are the details:

Mission Title: Raptor's Reflection
Author: @ElijahThomas
Project ID: ST-HTNN3WO5B
Faction: Federation (Recommended for play with Starfleet Character)
Level Requirement: 31+
Estimated Time: 30 - 40 Minutes

Synopsis:

You are contacted by Captain Shon of the U.S.S. Enterprise with a request for assistance near the former Romulan Star Empire. However, what seems like a routine mission of mercy will soon erupt into a deadly game played across two universes.


Features:

My First Published Foundry Mission
Play Time between 30 and 40 minutes
Story-based mission with plenty of dialog
Space and Interior Combat
Every map is custom made
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