Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,159
# 10211
06-23-2014, 01:56 PM
It's called talking out of context.
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Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,012
# 10212
06-23-2014, 03:55 PM
About what though?
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,012
# 10213
06-23-2014, 11:09 PM
Version 2, a few changes.


Hush, my little ones..; you must be exhausted.

Sleep, my children
Let the poison seep in.
When the darkest hour comes
You three will be the key..

I've been exiled, prosecuted
Left alone without my children.
When I think of what the Federation did to them.
I get a little tense

But I dream a dream so pretty
That I don't feel so depressed
'Cause it soothes my inner Ferasan
And it helps me get some rest

The sound of Taka and Kovu's dying gasp
M'Sarabi squealing in my grasp
T'Simba and M'Nala's mournful cry
That's my lullaby

Now the past I've tried forgetting
And my children I could forgive
Trouble is I knows it's petty
But I hate to let them live

So you found yourself somebody who'd chase them up a tree

Oh, the battle may be bloody, but that kind of works for me

The melody of angry growls
A counterpoint of painful howls
A symphony of death, oh my!
That's my lullaby

Scar is missing... but Zira's still around
To love these three
Till they accept their destiny
To have their blood soak the ground of Gre'thor!

Sleep, ya little sacrifices!
Uh-- I mean, precious dear children!
When the darkest hour draws near
You three will be the key

The pounding of the drums of war
The thrill of my mighty roar

The joy of vengeance
Testify!
I can hear the cheering
I'Zira! What a queen!

Payback time is nearing
And then my flag will fly
Against a blood-red sky
That's my lullaby!
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,098
# 10214
06-24-2014, 04:39 AM
well, it's better, but there are still parts that don't flow well with the rest of the song...

first of all, Sleep, my children
Let the poison seep in.
When the darkest hour comes
You three will be the key..
; children needs some kind of adjective in front of it to make it flow off the tongue better - dearest, darling or precious would all fit well

since this isn't called a poison in the story but a toxin, the line should probably reflect that - try 'Let the toxin seep right in.'

for the last line, a minor change from 'You three will be the key' to 'You will be the keys' would probably work as well; the word children being used already informs the reader that there are multiples - keys just reinforces it, and it avoids having a rhyme in the same sentence

second of all, But I dream a dream so pretty
That I don't feel so depressed
'Cause it soothes my inner Ferasan
And it helps me get some rest
; just stick with inner kitty...first of all, that makes it rhyme with the first line, and second of all, it just flows better

third of all, Scar is missing... but Zira's still around
To love these three
Till they accept their destiny
To have their blood soak the ground of Gre'thor!;
this i'm not even sure how to fix...but that gre'thor bit really screws things up - if you can't find anything that rhymes with it and would fit with the song, just remove it

fourth, The pounding of the drums of war
The thrill of my mighty roar
; change 'my' to 'Zira's' and make the second line a chorus bit...or just keep it zira and have her singing about herself in the third person for that one bit
Quote:
Originally Posted by pwecaptainsmirk View Post
*reassuringly strokes your hair*
Hush now, you will be back kicking Neelix and killing those nasty Vaadwaur soon enough... hush child.
*pat pat on your head*
epic smirk is epic
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,012
# 10215
06-24-2014, 09:16 AM
Version 3 based on suggestions.

Hush, my little ones..; you must be exhausted.

Sleep, my precious children
Let the toxin seep in
When the darkest hour comes
You will be the keys

I've been exiled, prosecuted
Left alone without my children.
When I think of what the Federation did to them.
I get a little tense

But I dream a dream so pretty
That I don't feel so depressed
'Cause it soothes my inner Ferasan
And it helps me get some rest

The sound of Taka and Kovu's dying gasp
M'Sarabi squealing in my grasp
T'Simba and M'Nala's mournful cry
That's my lullaby

Now the past I've tried forgetting
And my children I could forgive
Trouble is I knows it's petty
But I hate to let them live

So you found yourself somebody who'd chase them up a tree

Oh, the battle may be bloody, but that kind of works for me

The melody of angry growls
A counterpoint of painful howls
A symphony of death, oh my!
That's my lullaby

Scar is missing... but Zira's still around
To love these three
Till they accept their destiny
To have their blood soak the ground

Sleep, ya little sacrifices!
Uh-- I mean, precious dear children!
When the darkest hour draws near
You three will be the key

The pounding of the drums of war
The thrill of my mighty roar

The joy of vengeance
Testify!
I can hear the cheering
I'Zira! What a queen!

Payback time is nearing
And then my flag will fly
Against a blood-red sky
That's my lullaby!

I did not change Ferasan to kitty because honestly, do we see NPCs in-game calling each other kitty or themselves it? It's out of character IMO.

Also, some parts of this song are meant to be spoken in third person because they are sung by other characters, of course you cannot tell this until it's actually used in the mission.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,098
# 10216
06-24-2014, 09:44 AM
well, considering nin'yan said during surface tension, and i quote (probably not perfectly) 'Go ask your masters for a saucer of milk' to a random caitain attendee...it's really not so far out of the realm of possibility for them to use the word kitty
Quote:
Originally Posted by pwecaptainsmirk View Post
*reassuringly strokes your hair*
Hush now, you will be back kicking Neelix and killing those nasty Vaadwaur soon enough... hush child.
*pat pat on your head*
epic smirk is epic

Last edited by shadowfang240; 06-24-2014 at 01:44 PM.
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,012
# 10217
06-24-2014, 11:56 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowfang240 View Post
well, considering nen'yim said during surface tension, and i quote (probably not perfectly) 'Go ask your masters for a saucer of milk' to a random caitain attendee...it's really not so far out of the realm of possibility for them to use the word kitty
Yes, I was thinking about that, but then again, that was more of an in-game joke by Kestrel than anything else, IMO.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,098
# 10218
06-24-2014, 12:05 PM
the various star wars, stargate, babylon 5 and battlestar galactica references seeded throughout the game are in-jokes

that was no in-joke

if one ferasan will say something like that, they are all capable of saying things like that
Quote:
Originally Posted by pwecaptainsmirk View Post
*reassuringly strokes your hair*
Hush now, you will be back kicking Neelix and killing those nasty Vaadwaur soon enough... hush child.
*pat pat on your head*
epic smirk is epic
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10,012
# 10219
06-24-2014, 01:20 PM
I will think about it.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,159
# 10220
06-24-2014, 01:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowfang240 View Post
well, considering Nin'Yan said during surface tension, and i quote (probably not perfectly) 'Go ask your masters for a saucer of milk' to a random caitain attendee...it's really not so far out of the realm of possibility for them to use the word kitty
Fixed. Shadow, you know nothing.
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