Lieutenant
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 30
Greetings, Captains!

I just got around to finish and publish my first attempt at a Foundry mission. It ended up somewhat more complex than what I had in mind, although it should take a mere 30 minutes to play.

"Mindcrawlers" takes you aboard a civilian survey vessel that hasn't responded in days. What starts out as an investigation concerning a suspected pirate threat quickly becomes a confrontation with beings quite unlike the greedy bunch of thieves Starfleet had expected.

I hope the mission is somewhat moody, and what can I say - I'm eager for some feedback, as this is a first try.

Many thanks go to Starbase UGC for their convenient (and actually somewhat entertaining ) video tutorials that spared me so much tedious trial and error.

Update: V1.01

- Tweaked the mission tracker to make the mission entry point more obvious
- Thinned out the gas effects - just a tad though
- Tweaked and corrected some shaky bits of dialog - thanks a lot to evil70th for going to great lengths to provide some advice there
- Minor stuff I don't recall

Have fun.

Last edited by k668; 08-19-2012 at 06:51 AM.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 781
Quote:
Originally Posted by k668 View Post
Do you review first attempts in review limbo? With the rating system down, it would help to have an outside opinion.

Mission Name: Mindcrawlers
Author: k668
Minimum Level: 0
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMSZD9EED
Estimated Mission Length: 30 minutes
Method of Report Delivery: Forum post

Peace.
Federation Mission - Mindcrawlers
Author: k668
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMSZD9EED

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission, especially for your first time developing one. The map designs are very well done and the story dialogue is very well written throughout. The battles are pretty easy throughout but still fun, despite the fact that I hate spiders. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players, albeit closer to 45 minutes long rather than your estimated 30 minutes.

The only real criticism I have of the story is that the murder of the Vulcan Seltok and the ships first officer are not really addressed in the mission wrap up. Without giving too much of the story away, I would recommend you address that issue with dialogue regarding the loss and the potential outcome for the murder of them based on what influences they were under at the time. Otherwise I felt the story was well written and the mission was a lot of fun to play.

One last quick thing is to address the excessive use of the fog and gas effects on a couple of the maps. I understand the feel of the map you were trying to achieve but they became more of a distraction rather than a element of the story. This does not mean you should completely remove all the gas and fog effects but consider cutting them down a little so the player can enjoy the map designs and battles you created a little more.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is a good start but needs a little more story development. Your goal here is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant mission and follow-on dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Sir, incoming Message from Admiral Ry'Valar" to read "Sir, incoming message from Admiral Ry'Valar".
-The "Admiral Ry'Valar" dialogue; consider changing the [OOC] dialogue at the bottom to [MissionInfo] dialogue. That will make it more recognizable as mission required information.

Mission Task: The initial mission task should have the start location for the first custom map. This will help your players find the starting point of your mission.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Scarlet Eye (near Kei system): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

S.S. Mindscape: This is a good map design with several easy battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "They appear to be harmless for all I can say so far" to read "As far as I can tell they seem harmless".
-Consider changing "leave alone explain the abnormal environmental conditions" to read "let alone explain the abnormal environmental conditions".
-The fog and gas effects are a little overdone on this map. Consider reducing them a little more so the player can enjoy your map design and the combat.
-The post "Search Laboratory Computer" dialogue; consider changing "We must advance and locate the crew, they may still be in acute danger" to read "We must locate the crew; they may still be in danger".
-The post "Examine Bodies" dialogue; consider changing "they've been scavenging heavily on the bodies" to read "they've been feeding heavily on the bodies".
-The post "Go to Main Engineering" dialogue; consider changing "still enough to realize they had caught themselves quite a few containers of biological specimen" to read "still enough time to realize they had take several biological specimens in the containers they stole from the cargo bay".
-Consider changing "Worthless to them, and they probably thought it was a funny pull to beam the specimen back to my cargo bay" to read "Worthless to them, so they probably thought it would be funny to beam the specimens back to the cargo bay without the containers".
-Consider removing "Kept the spare containers, though" if you use the above dialogue recommendation.
-Consider changing "and trying to defend her specimen personally" to read "and trying to defend her specimens personally".
-Consider changing "I won't let this happen to Leyo, no matter at what cost" to read "I won't let that happen to Leyo, no matter the cost".
-Consider changing "For all I could spot" to read "From what I could see".
-The post "Defend Main Engineering" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], the Mindscape's transporter is active" to read "[Rank], the Mindscape's transporter have been activated".

Scarlet Eye Caverns: This is a good map design with some easy battles and one a little stronger. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The fog and gas effects are a little overdone on this map. Consider reducing them a little more so the player can enjoy your map design and the combat.
-Consider adding a respawn point deeper into the map for the last battle.

Scarlet Eye: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that wraps up the mission nicely. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job creating this mission, especially being your first try at it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 08/18/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".

Last edited by evil70th; 08-18-2012 at 11:51 AM.
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