Lt. Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 106
# 1 Logitech007's 2 new missions
10-22-2012, 12:12 AM
Hello all,
I'm happy to announce that I have two new missions out now.

1) ?Tempus Fugit: Principium?
Level: 41+
Allegiance: Starfleet/ Federation
Project ID: ST-HJQE7X27J
Starting Location: Veela System in the Kassae Sector in the Regulus Sector Block
Description:
On your way back to Earth, when you received a transmission from an Admiral at Starfleet Command, asking you to investigate the missing Federation vessel that has not checked in. You have located the vessel on the farside of a nebula, as you come towards the vessels, things don't appear as it should be.......


2) ?Tempus Fugit: amicis et spes
Level: 35+
Allegiance: Starfleet/ Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLXEWMRG
Starting Location: Veela System in the Kassae Sector in the Regulus Sector Block
Description:
You have formed an alliance with your former enemy to do battle with the Shadow Alliance. Can you both survive the Shadow Alliance attack? Trapped in a different reality where nothing is what it seems to be. Will you get back or will you be trapped here forever?


Parts of the Series
Part one: Tempus Fugit: Principium
Part Two: Tempus Fugit: amicis et spes
Part Three: Tempus fugit: De Road Domus. (Not out yet)



***Note: These two missions are number one and number two in a series.***
***Note: I will update this thread as soon as more of the series comes out.***
***Note: Please be sure to rate and leave comments and feedback, I will try and get back to each one of you, who played the mission.***
***Note: The author is not responsible for any and all bugs that appear in the mission due to the foundry still being in beta. Also, if you do find something wrong or a bug in any part of my mission, please feel free to email me ingame at: @Logitech007 and I will address those items.***

Have fun and enjoy.

Thanks.
Logitech007
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 877
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello evil70th,

I have got these 2 new missions that are part of a series, and i was wondering if you can look at them and play them.

1) Tempus Fugit: Principium
Author: Logitech007
Level: 41+
Allegiance: Starfleet/ Federation
Project ID: ST-HJQE7X27J
Starting Location: Veela System in the Kassae Sector in the Regulus Sector Block
Description:
On your way back to Earth, when you received a transmission from an Admiral at Starfleet Command, asking you to investigate the missing Federation vessel that has not checked in. You have located the vessel on the farside of a nebula, as you come towards the vessels, things don't appear as it should be.......

You can either post your report here on the forums or ingame me at: @Logitech007

Thanks so much for taking the time to review and play my new missions.

Thanks.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - Tempus Fugit: Principium
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJQE7X27J

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission concept with good map designs and several very tough battles. Based on the grammatical issues I assume that English is not your primary language. The story dialogue is well written but has several grammatical issues that detract from the overall story. The tough enemy mobs spread across the maps do need to be balanced better. With those issues in mind I would still recommend this mission to others but not on Elite level as it was hard enough to get through on Normal.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "things don't appear as it should be" to read "things don't appear as they should".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same as the main part of the description. Consider this dialogue to be the Starfleet Admiral you allude to in the description. Develop dialogue that tells just enough of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click "Accept". I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "things don't appear as it should be" to read "things don't appear as they should".
-The Veela system is in the Celes Sector of the Regulus sector block.
-Consider moving the initial dialogue identified on the Veela System map to the grant dialogue.

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Veela System: This is a good map design with a challenging battle. The story dialogue is well written but has several grammatical issues. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue upon entering the Veela system seems to be better suited for use as the grant and post grant dialogue. You should use the Tactical Officer initial dialogue regarding the transmission from the Deputy Director of Starfleet Intelligence as the initial grant dialogue. The post grant dialogue would be all the remaining dialogue currently located in the Veela System initial dialogue up. You should use it up to the Admiral Kris Gaboury end of transmission. Once the player enters the system you pick up the initial dialogue with Commander Dylan Evan Lukeson dialogue regarding receiving the information.
-The Admiral Gaboury dialogue; consider changing "I will be asking you for a favor" to read "I need to ask you for a favor". Remove the word "actually".
-Consider changing "The favor is for the Director , who asked me to look into finding a lost Federation vessel? " to read "The Director asked me to look into the disappearance of a Federation vessel". No question mark. Then add "That is where you come in [Rank]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]She wants us to track down a Federation vessel that could be or could not be missing[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Director wants us to search for a Federation vessel that may or may not be missing?".
-Consider removing the entire last part of the dialogue starting with "[OOC]Sir, with all due respect[/OOC]" and ending with "[OOC]Federation's powerful vessels[/OOC]". It feels slightly arrogant on the part of the player.
-The Admiral Gaboury dialogue; consider changing "a close personal friend of the Director and she asked me to look into this and that is what I am doing" to read "a close personal friend of the Director. She asked me to look into this and that is what I am doing".
-Consider changing the response button "How is Admiral William Glaceau doing" to read " How is the Admiral doing".
-Consider changing "Admiral William Glaceau is talking a vacation" to read "The Admiral is on vacation".
-Consider changing "Are you joking" to read "Really?".
-Consider changing "I don't think you Starfleet Intelligence people take vacation" to read "I didn't think Starfleet intelligence people ever took vacations".
-Consider changing "[Rank], we don't take vacations" to read "We don't take vacations"
-Consider changing "I am sending you all the information on the Federation vessel, what system it was in and any other information that is needed" to read "I am sending you all the information we have on the vessel".
-Consider changing "Admiral Kris Gaboury out" to read "Admiral Gaboury out".
-The Commander Dylan Evan Lukeson dialogue; consider changing "The U.S.S. Zealous mission was to search and locate an planet able to house a new Federation planetside starbase" to read "The mission was to scout planetary systems suitable to locate a starbase".
-Consider changing "The last transmission from the Zealous, indicates that they found the Veela planet to be able to house a new planetside starbase" to read "The last transmission from Zealous indicated a planet in the Veela system was suitable to locate a starbase".
-The response button "What happened" leads to a popup dialogue with a "Federation Console Prop" in the character window and the dialogue "I don't know". Consider changing the character in the window to Commander Dylan Evan Lukeson.
-The post "Scan the Veela System" dialogue. The player asks the same question regarding the U.S.S. Zealous previously asked in the initial dialogue. Consider deleting this and picking up with the Bridge Science BOFF dialogue.
-Consider changing "We just picked up a Federation distress call from the U.S.S. Zealous" to read "We are receiving a distress call from the Zealous".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Set course for the distress call[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Plot an intercept course with the Zealous[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Also, Commander as soon as we are cleared for the nebula, scan the U.S.S. Zealous[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]As soon as we clear the nebula scan the Zealous[/OOC]".
-The post "Scan the battle zone" dialogue; consider changing "We have doubled checked the sensor readings and it is the Breen and the Klingon's that have attacked the Zealous" to read "I have confirmed both the Breen and Klingons are attacking the Zealous".
-Consider changing "Why would the Klingon's attack a Federation vessel with the Breen helping out" to read "Why would the Klingons team up with the Breen to attack a Federation vessel".
-Consider changing "I can understand the Breen but why the Klingon's after we signed the treaty with them a year ago" to read "It makes no sense".
-Consider changing "I don't know, but we are clearing the nebula" to read "I don't know. They are targeting the Zealous".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Battle stations".
-The post "Destroy the attacker" dialogue; consider changing "We are scanning the Federation vessel" to read "We are scanning the Zealous".
-The post "Scan the U.S.S. Zealous" dialogue; "but we have detected several Breen and Klingon Lifesigns on the Vessel" to read "but we are picking up several Breen and Klingon life signs onboard.
-Consider deleting "Also, the away teams are standing by".
-Consider changing "We need to be careful when we are over there, we don't know we are going to find out" to read "Have the away team meet me in the transporter room".

U.S.S. Zealous Deck 10: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the hard return in the post scan dialogue between "detected 9"and "enemy boarding parties".
-Consider changing "Plasma" to read "plasma".
-Consider removing the "Scan Engineering" task and move the associated dialogue to the post "Scan Deck 10" dialogue.
-Consider changing "[Rank], the boarding parties all have been killed on this deck" to read "[Rank], all boarding parties on this deck have been cleared, and the deck is secured".
-Consider balancing the battles more to get progressively harder as the player advances through the map. You did add respawn points deeper in the map but on one battle alone I had to respawn 5 times to complete the fight. This level would probably be virtually impossible on Elite.

U.S.S. Zealous Bridge: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written but I noted some grammatical issues. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Let's be careful and take care of these breen" to read "Let's be careful and take care of these Breen".
-Consider removing "Everyone let's go".
-Consider changing "[Rank], we have killed the Breen boarding parties" to read "[Rank], all boarding parties on this deck have been cleared, and the deck is secured".
-Consider changing "Also, we are been hailed from our vessel" to read "The ship is hailing us".
-Consider changing "from the Breen , the Klingons and from an ally" to read "from the Breen, the Klingons and from an ally".
-Consider changing "Jem'hadar First Vara'aresh out" to read "Jem'Hadar First Vara'aresh out".
-Consider changing "[Rank], that is odd and strange The Jem'Hadar coming to help a Federation vessels that is under attack from a Klingon and Breen vessels" to read "[Rank], that is odd, the Jem'Hadar coming to help a Federation vessel that is under attack from Klingon and Breen vessels".
-Consider changing "The Jem'Hadar would never help the Federation out" to read "The Jem'Hadar would never help the Federation".
-Consider changing "Yes, I do find that little odd and strange" to read "That does seem odd".
-Consider changing "We should download some of the Database from one of their computers and find out what is going on here and I suggest we do it quickly before we become a part of this" to read "We should download the ships database and get out of here as soon as possible".
-Consider changing "[Rank], the database has been downloaded to our vessel's database" to read "[Rank], the database has been downloaded".
-Consider removing "We can access it at any time on your vessel".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Sit down and we will Start the Briefing shortly" to read "[Rank], the senior staff has gathered and is ready to begin the briefing".

Briefing Room: This is a good map design but the dialogue and story needs a little work. Consider adding dialogue that clearly indicates that the player is now in an alternate reality. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Before, everyone gets involved, the away team did bring back their downloaded database" to read "Before we go any farther the away team downloaded the ships database".
-Consider removing "The Captain will go and look at it and transfer it to the Holo projector in the middle of the tables". Change the task for the player to go to the console and load the database to a trigger that appears where the player is seated. The animation can be the same as the one where he sits. Captains should not be ordered by their crew to load anything.
-Based on the above recommendation consider removing "Please talk amongst your self till I get back from transferring the data to the projection".
-Based on the above recommendation consider removing "So, i have transferred it to the holo projection in the middle of the room".
-Consider changing "[Rank], we had some time to look this information over and found some information that does not much our database" to read "[Rank], we have examined the database you downloaded and found some discrepancies".
-Consider changing "We have also, have the location of the Terrans planet" to read "We have also located the Terran planet".
-Consider changing "We have also, have a couple of systems that were listed key in the database, that we should look at" to read "There are also four star systems that have been identified in the database that we should look at".
-Consider changing "Ok. Before we go any where I want information on the four systems before I pick where to start" to read "Ok, I want to see the information on those systems before we get started".
-Consider changing "[Rank], sorry to interrupt, but three enemy vessels have entered the system and are heading this way, we also picking up three more on long range sensors" to read "[Rank], sorry to interrupt, but three enemy vessels have entered the system, and are heading this way. Long range sensors are also picking up three more enemy ships inbound".
-Consider changing the response button "Opinions" to read "Options".
-Consider changing "so running is not an opinion, so I say we destroy them before the others call for help" to read "so running is not an option. I say we engage them".
-Consider changing the response button "More opinions" to read "More options".
-Consider changing "I agree with the attack" to read "I say attack".
-Consider changing "Ok. That is settled" to read "Then it is settled".

Veela System: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written but I noted some grammatical issues. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[OOC]No, i don't think so[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]No I don't think so[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "[OOC]They dispatched some vessels to destroy the U.S.S. Zealous and they did not report back so they sent more ships to investigate so they sent warships[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]They dispatch ships to destroy the Zealous, when those ships do not report back they send more[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], if we can reach just inside the nebula then maybe we can get a message to the Jem'Hadar to come and help, because we are no match for 6 warships, we need help and even if they are "our" allies in this reality" to read "[Rank], we are no match for 6 ships. I recommend we call the Jem'Hadar for help. We will need to get just inside the nebula to send the message".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Ok. But I doubt that those warships will let us contact some help. We must destroy them then go contact them[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I agree but I doubt the Breen will allow us to call for help. We will need to destroy them before we can contact the Jem?Hadar[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]We are under heavy attack by the Shadow alliance, we need assistance. We have engaged three battle ships and have three more coming in on the other side of the nebula, and even more on the way, we will not be able to hold out with assistance[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We have been engaged by Shadow alliance ships. There are several more ships in bound and we need your assistance[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "My vessel will move in to engage these vessels on the other side of the nebula" to read "My ships will move to engage the enemy".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Commander, I want the information on the Orias system, before we get to the system[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Commander, I want any information we have on the Orias system before we get to the system[/OOC]".

Jem'Hadar base system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue but I noted several grammatical issues. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], here is the information on the Orias system, that you have requested, but let me remind, this is the information from "our" reality, not this on" to read "[Rank], here is the information on the Orias system you requested, but let me remind you that this is from our reality, not this one".
-Consider changing "[Rank], im scanning the orias sys?" to read "[Rank], I'm scanning the Orias sys...".
-Consider changing "It appears that this system is protected by four beacon that send detail scanning of this system, and when a vessel appears, the Jem'Hadar send a vessel to investigate it" to read "It seems the system is monitored by four sensor satellites that conduct a detailed scan of the system. When a ship appears the Jem'Hadar send a ship to investigate".
-Consider changing "Its also protected by an unknown number of Jem'Hadar vessels" to read "It's also protected by a large number of Jem'Hadar ships".
-Consider changing "This has to be one of the strongest defend area I have ever seen" to read "This has to be one of the strongest defended areas I have ever seen".
-Consider removing "No one risks attack them".
-Consider changing "Also, there is a number of drydocks and mining and factories in this system" to read "Scans also indicate there are a large number of dry docks, mining, and factories spread across the system".
-Consider changing "[Rank], If you have not noticed, we have a large amount of vessels guarding this base" to read "[Rank], if you have not noticed, we have a large number of ships guarding this base".
-Consider changing "This is one of two Major Jem'Hadar base that we have here in the Ahla quadrant" to read "This is one of two major Jem'Hadar bases in the Alpha quadrant".
-Consider changing "Only the Second, Third and I, knows where the second one is located for security reasons" to read "Only the second, third, and I know the location of the second base for security reasons".
-Consider changing "Did you have any trouble located my vessel" to read "I trust you did not have too much trouble finding my ship".
-Consider removing the warp in effect for the Jem?Hadar ships. They continue to warp in, which looks odd.
-Consider changing "Yes, we have the beacon rely all the sensor data back to the command post on the planet then we dispatch vessels" to read "Yes, we have the sensor satellites relay all data back to the command post on the planet. When a ship is detected we dispatch ships to intercept".
-Consider changing "We find it easy way of protecting our base and space" to read "We have found it to be an efficient way of protecting our base.
-Consider removing "I am sorry that it just has to be that way, [Rank]".

Jem'Hadar First Vara'aresh Vessel: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Jem'Hadar typing on the console as the player beams in is typing through the console. Consider moving the NPC back slightly to fix this issue.

Jem'Hadar Base: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue but I found several grammatical issues that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "The Jem'Hadar First Vara'aresh is sitting in his chair onto of the ramp" to read "The Jem'Hadar First Vara'aresh is sitting in his chair on the command platform".
-Consider removing the required dialogue with the other Jem'Hadar in the command center. The dialogue with them adds nothing to the story. You could make them optional dialogue.
-Consider changing "My fleet is just preparing our vessels to this battle that we know is coming" to read "My fleet is preparing to engage in the battle we know is coming".
-Consider changing "To be honest, [Rank], some believe that we should just leave you guys alone and let you find your own way home, instead of helping someone from another time and place, because we the Jem'Hadar have our own battles and enemies and do not need to be brought into someone else" to read "To be honest [Rank], some believe we have troubles of our own, and do not have the resources to help others".
-Consider changing "Then I explained it, stating that if the Shadow alliance gets your technology or gets any of your vessels or any information from your database that would put all of us at risk" to read "I explained that if the Shadow alliance gained access to any of your technology it would change the balance of power in the quadrant".
-Consider changing "So we all agreed to help but let me warn you, not everyone is happy about it, [Rank] "to read "We all agreed it is necessary but not everyone is happy about it".
-Consider changing "It was only a matter of time before the Shadow alliance would find this base and launch a fleet to destroy this base" to read "I knew it would only be a matter of time before the Shadow alliance found our base and tried to destroy it".

Jem'Hadar base system: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written but I noted some grammatical issues. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider balancing the enemy mobs with the friendly mobs. The Jem'Hadar ships were wiped out fairly quickly and I was left to defeat the enemy mobs by myself after being destroyed several times. I would not recommend this mission on Elite level.
-Consider changing "The Jem'Hadar fleet is heading towards the other Shadow Alliance vessel that are just outside the system" to read "The Jem'Hadar are moving to engage the other Shadow Alliance ships just outside the system".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a balanced battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This mission needs some work on the grammatical issues but overall it was a fun mission. Due to the amount of grammatical issues found in this mission and the length of time I spent cataloging them I will withdraw your second mission from review for now.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/27/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 877
# 3
10-27-2012, 12:47 PM
Despite the grammatical issues I would still recommend this mission to all players.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 106
# 4 mission review
10-27-2012, 06:30 PM
Hello, Evil 70th, thanks for reviewing my first part of my series and i have gone thru the mission on several times for spelling and grammar issues and i updated the mission for the issues, i had done this after you had played it, you must have picked up the last one before getting the new one published, but like i said, i did 99 percent of the changes.

I hope you will review my second part when u have the time and i did a major spell check and grammar check thru part 2 as well.

Thanks for reviewing the mission and soon to be my second part hopefully.

I will ingame you with the email. Thanks for taking your time for the first part.

Thanks.
Logitech007
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 877
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello evil70th,

I have got these 2 new missions that are part of a series, and i was wondering if you can look at them and play them.

2) Tempus Fugit: amicis et spes
Author: Logitech007
Level: 35+
Allegiance: Starfleet/ Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLXEWMRG
Starting Location: Veela System in the Kassae Sector in the Regulus Sector Block
Description:
You have formed an alliance with your former enemy to do battle with the Shadow Alliance. Can you both survive the Shadow Alliance attack? Trapped in a different reality where nothing is what it seems to be. Will you get back or will you be trapped here forever?

You can either post your report here on the forums or ingame me at: @Logitech007

Thanks so much for taking the time to review and play my new missions.

Thanks.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - Tempus Fugit: amicis et spes
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLXEWMRG

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: Due to the length of time I spent on your first mission and the issues I found that are similar in this mission I am going to file the summary for this mission. This is a good mission overall but there are still several grammatical issues across all the maps. The grammatical and spelling issues that range from the use of singular context instead of plural to the use of lower case "i" instead of upper case "I". The map where we engage the Shadow Alliance and blind the sensors you used the word "Pulase" instead of "Pulse". The enemy mobs spread across the maps are very tough and I would not recommend a player take this mission on at Elite level. Despite the grammatical, spelling, and battle issues I would still recommend this mission to other players. Overall it is a good mission with a great story.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same as the main part of the description. As with the other mission you need to develop dialogue that tells just enough of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click "Accept".

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with the start location for the first custom map. Consider adding the sector block to this task to help those who do not have a detailed map and have to rely on the one provided by STO. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This mission needs work on the grammatical, spelling, and enemy mob balancing. It need work but is still worth playing.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/28/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 106
# 6 part 2 review
10-28-2012, 02:46 PM
Hey Evil70th,

Thanks for taking the time to review my second part i know it was 2 long missions with spelling issues but i do like both the positive and the negative feedback that i was looking for and i have already gone thru both missions with a comb for spelling and grammar issues so they are a lot better now.

Thank you so very much for the reviews.

Thanks
Logitech007
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 877
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions that i would liked to be reviewed by you, since the last 2 missions were reviewed by you i have spent extra time on spelling and grammar so i hope its not that bad this time around, but i might have missed here and there.

Thanks for taking your time to review my parts 3 and 4.
Logitech007

Mission Name: Tempus fugit: De Road Domus Part three
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 35+
Allegiance: Starfleet
Project ID: ST-ST-HD4BEXZRY
Estimated Mission Length: App hour or so
Method of Report Delivery: Both

Thanks for taking the time to play and i look forward to your feedback.

Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - Tempus fugit: De Road Domus Part three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HD4BEXZRY

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with a well written story dialogue. The battles are tough and I would not recommend a player take this mission on at Elite level. I would recommend the mission on Normal.

The biggest issue I noted was the use of lower case "i" when an upper case "I" should have been used. On some of the maps the dialogue used the lower case "i" further into a sentence after properly using the upper case "I" at the start of the sentence. Consider going through the dialogue and fixing these issues.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description that draws me in and makes me want to play. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: You need to change the dialogue to something other than a regurgitation of the description. This is where you have to draw the player into the story and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Celtris System: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "But i am detected a fleet of Orion vessels inbound on our position" to read "But I am picking up several Orion vessels inbound".
-The "Commander Yrevish" dialogue at the beginning of the map appears to have the entire dialogue from "Commander Lukeson" who spoke right before him.
-Consider changing "But i really don't know" to read "I really don't know".

Orion Village: This is a very detailed and well made map. The story dialogue is well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The away team is clustered together at the spawn point. There must be some sort of obstruction nearby. Consider moving the way point in a little more.
-Consider changing "Last area, i can not pinpoint what that location is" to read "Last area, I cannot pinpoint what that location is". This is the third time in the mission I have a lower case "i" were it should be an upper case "I". From this point forward I will only note the maps and will cover it in the summary.
-Consider change the response button "Let's head out and everyone watch your self, this might be a Shadow Alliance base" to read "Let's head out and everyone watch yourself, this might be a Shadow Alliance base".
-At the "Camp site", the tent is hanging off the edge of the hill side. Consider moving the campsite to a flatter area so the tent sits flat on the ground.
-Consider separating the "Scan the Camp site" and "Go to the camp site" tasks. The grouping causes the player to have to leave the site and come back in to trigger the dialogue.
-Consider changing the "Talk to Orion child" tasks to be completed one at a time. Each could be triggered after the other.
-Consider reducing the number of "Talk to Alien" tasks to no more than two or give them each something more to say than the same thing.

Underground base: This is a nice map design with some tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Use of lower case "i" instead of upper case "I".
-The "Set up the transporter Pattern Enhancers" task. Currently they appear as soon as the tasks are available for the player. It looks odd. Consider setting up an invisible object as the trigger point and then set the pattern enhancers to appear when the player interacts with the invisible object.

Celtris System: This is a good map design with some tough battles. The story dialogue is short but well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Briefing Room: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "evasive manoeuvers" to read "evasive maneuvers".

Maeiwski System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Ferengi Vessel: This is a nice map design with okay story dialogue but I find it unlikely that a Federation player would destroy a vessel they have captured by boarding it. This is a story point comment. The decision to destroy a vessel the Federation has boarded seems unnecessary. The player could arrest the Ferengi Captain and take the ship. This of course would make the battle on the next map unnecessary. You could delete that map and add a battle on this map with the crew of the Ferengi vessel. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "There is only three Ferengi lifesign" to read "There is only three Ferengi life signs".
-Use of lower case "i" instead of upper case "I".

Maeiwski System: This is a nice map design with a good battle but as indicated on the previous map write up I am not sure this map is needed. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Adarak Prime: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Deep Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Bortas Bridge: This is a good map design with very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battles need some balancing. There are too many high level enemy mobs. I would not recommend this on Elite level.
-Use of lower case "i" instead of upper case "I".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Lukeson" dialogue that follows the battle is also repeated in the "Player" dialogue in response to Lukeson.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a good mission in the series and I can see that you took several of the recommendations from my previous mission critiques. Good work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/16/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".

Last edited by evil70th; 12-16-2012 at 01:26 PM.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 877
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions that i would liked to be reviewed by you, since the last 2 missions were reviewed by you i have spent extra time on spelling and grammar so i hope its not that bad this time around, but i might have missed here and there.

Thanks for taking your time to review my parts 3 and 4.
Logitech007

Mission Name: Tempus fugit: De Road Domus Part three
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 35+
Allegiance: Starfleet
Project ID: ST-ST-HD4BEXZRY
Estimated Mission Length: App hour or so
Method of Report Delivery: Both


Mission Name: Tempus fugit: Domus Part 4
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: any
Allegiance: Starfleet
Project ID: ST-HJ7DUB9SI
Estimated Mission Length: App 30 or so min
Method of Report Delivery: Both

Thanks for taking the time to play and i look forward to your feedback.

Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - Tempus fugit: Domus Part 4
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJ7DUB9SI

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good battle oriented mission with good map design and some good story dialogue to keep the mission moving forward. I would recommend this mission to other players who like that kind of mission.

I noted on several of the maps that the enemy mobs seemed way out gunned by friendly forces, so much so that I virtually did not have to engage enemy mobs. Battle balancing is one of the hardest things to do when authoring a mission. If you make it too hard then the players will not enjoy it, and the same is true if you make it too easy. You need to find the right balance. Try to make the support vessels and enemy vessels match in strength and type. Then the player will be the deciding factor in the battle. I realize this is not easy to do, so good luck.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue is intriguing. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "will you be able to make to the vortex" to read "will you be able to reach the vortex".
-Consider changing "One member of the crew will pay the ultimate sacrifice to try to get the crew home" to read "One member of the crew will make the ultimate sacrifice to get the rest home".

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: The usage of the prompt is okay. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
AR-558: This is a nice map design with a simple battle and well written dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Let's not give us a chance too" to read "Let's not give them the chance too".

Chin'Toka IV: This is a good map design with a good battle and some story dialogue to drive the mission forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the battle balance to be just a little tougher. The friendly forces almost wiped out the enemy mobs with very little assistance from me.

Chin'Toka II/ Chin'Toka III: This is a good map design with a couple of good battles and some story dialogue to drive the mission forward. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the battle balance to be just a little tougher. The friendly forces pretty much wiped out the enemy mobs with virtually no assistance from me.
-Consider changing "We are coming towards Chin'Toga" to read "We are approaching Chin'Toka". This is based on the map name you give to the next map.

Chin'Toka: This is a nice map design with a good battle and some story dialogue to move the mission forward. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I noted the task on this map says "Scan the Chin'Toga area" but the map name is "Chin'Toka". That is why I made the note above regarding Chin'Toga.
-Consider changing the battle balance to be just a little tougher. The friendly forces pretty much wiped out the enemy mobs with no assistance from me.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue "[Rank], we are coming towards the vortex" to read "[Rank], we are approaching the vortex".

Chin'Toka: This is a good map design with some nice optional battles and well written story dialogue to move the mission forward. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Sorry, i can not spare anyone right now; just do the best you can" to read "Sorry, I cannot spare anyone right now; just do the best you can".
-Consider changing the Lukeson dialogue; "[Rank], i can quickly help them out" to read "[Rank], I can quickly help them out".

Deep Space: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial dialogue; "[Rank], i think we did it" to read "[Rank], I think we did it".
-Consider changing the Engineer dialogue; "[Rank], i have good news and bad news" to read "[Rank], I have good news and bad news".

Deck Six: This is a very nicely done map with good mission and series wrap up dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing in several places:
-There are seven places in the player's dialogue to Lukeson's casket that you use "i" vice "I". Consider changing those to "I".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a good mission and a nice wrap up to the series. Your technique is definitely improving. Keep up the good work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/22/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
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