Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,209
# 91
02-17-2013, 08:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironphoenix113 View Post
Yea, I did see it actually. Quite a good read, as usual Which gives me an idea to write an entry on how Bryan and Ibalei met at the academy...
I'm glad you enjoyed it It was quite fun to show Amanda's less than perfect past, and some of the events which helped mould her into the officer she became, as well as better defining her relationship to Marcus, as maybe not quite a father-figure, but more like an older brother, as she reacts to his physical appearance, rather than chronological age. If you do write that entry, be sure to post up a link to it
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,209
# 92
02-17-2013, 08:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
This one seemed to be more than a pain in the butt than i'd prefer it to be, and if i could have done it longer i would have tried to fill in more. It's not quite what i wanted it to be, so sadly not as victorious as i'd originally thought. I did it in a different style as a first attempt at dialog which i admit was a great suggestion because it kind of switched things up a little more for me. It's not as good as i wanted it to be, but they can't all be winners. I would have loved to add in more good cop bad cop as well as add more to the event in question, but it was already running long.


As a side note, i always write these on writing app then copy them over and i'm still having the question marks pop up although this time it was erratic and didn't replace all of the " and ' but just some here and there. It was a bit weird.


Any ways, as always questions, comments, and feedback are always welcome.
Fantastic entry, the format was perfect, and it was fun to read something which was neither log entry nor story, so top marks on that one Only one slight point, and I may have missed it, was that I didn't see a note stating that Johnson had re-entered the room. But other than that, spot on As GulBerat pointed out, Johnson was quite a dislikable bigot, so amusing to think that he's going to wind up going off the deep end, a bit like the unfortunate Captain Braxton
Commander
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 483
# 93
02-17-2013, 09:57 AM
Just updated my post, though this is becoming much longer than I anticipated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
Loved it Of course, I'm curious as to Nair's species, and the class of the DaVinci but other than that, no other critique beyond it finished too damn soon

PS Welcome to the party
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
I look forward to seeing the rest, and I am also interested in knowing about Nair's species.

In addition, I wanted to point out that from the start, he comes off as someone with a good head on his shoulders and sound command/management training, which I do not always see in fanfics (in any venue). That definitely caught my attention about him.

Thanks! In answer to your questions, I didn't name the ship's class (a Miranda) because I didn't see any need to in the context of the story. As for Nair's species, the Korda, I think I'll actually reveal little by little about them in further literary challenges.
Ensign
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 8
# 94
02-17-2013, 10:48 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
Just updated my post, though this is becoming much longer than I anticipated.
HA HA HA HA HA.

I feel somewhat guilty for just puking the entire thing up in a clump, but once I got started I really wanted to see a resolution. Can you tell I just finished reading The Time Machine?
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,209
# 95
02-17-2013, 12:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
Just updated my post, though this is becoming much longer than I anticipated. Thanks! In answer to your questions, I didn't name the ship's class (a Miranda) because I didn't see any need to in the context of the story. As for Nair's species, the Korda, I think I'll actually reveal little by little about them in further literary challenges.
Excellent update, and the description of New York really brought to life the environment to life, it was like being there As for the class of the ship, I guess it just helps me to build a mental map of who's sitting where Definitely looking forwards to reading more about the Korda in future LCs


Quote:
Originally Posted by mussapiens View Post
HA HA HA HA HA.

I feel somewhat guilty for just puking the entire thing up in a clump, but once I got started I really wanted to see a resolution. Can you tell I just finished reading The Time Machine?
I was actually more thinking of the end of AI, rather than the Time Machine, but it was a fantastic entry, it would be good to be able to see what Mnemophage looked like
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,073
# 96
02-17-2013, 02:36 PM
I definitely want to find out more about Mnemnophage, and also why she was allowed in Starfleet. I don't think my Devidian would've been permitted to serve if not for the fact that he is capable of taking artificially-generated nourishment, all denials by "normal" Devidians to the contrary. (This is not a snipe. You've just piqued my curiosity, is all. )

Oh, and I must ask...is "mus sapiens" a tribute to Splinter?
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM me for more. :-)


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Last edited by gulberat; 02-17-2013 at 02:42 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,061
# 97
02-17-2013, 03:58 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
Fantastic entry, the format was perfect, and it was fun to read something which was neither log entry nor story, so top marks on that one Only one slight point, and I may have missed it, was that I didn't see a note stating that Johnson had re-entered the room. But other than that, spot on As GulBerat pointed out, Johnson was quite a dislikable bigot, so amusing to think that he's going to wind up going off the deep end, a bit like the unfortunate Captain Braxton
There should have been and i thought there was, but i must have missed putting it in. And yeah, if i knew the limit per post, i would have loved to add in more of a "did A happen because of B or did B happen Because of A" theme as well as go into more of what happened to make Johnson act out. I'll probably edit my personal copy of it to flesh it out better.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,061
# 98
02-17-2013, 04:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
Well, Wraith, you definitely took my challenge to write dialogue and ran with it!

I could hear the tone of everybody in that room just perfectly (and as individual, distinct personalities), and I think my favorite moment was Wraith finally asking what I'm sure every reader must've had on their mind: how that virulently racist, maladjusted Johnson actually had a job.

I wonder if the evidence of this stunt will get Johnson fired? Which will then lead to his going rogue, which will set up the whole causality loop...
Thank you, it was a great suggestion as i said earlier because it made me think out side of the box a bit more. Had i had more space i'd have definitely written more into that and WHY johnson was acting the way he did. (that would have been more of them first boarding the ship as well as the first telling of the story)
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,061
# 99
02-18-2013, 12:23 AM
Tanadanat: I liked it, it was brief but enjoyable.


Gulberat: I liked it and it was really well written, I had to read it twice though trying to think of where it was.


Superhombre777: when i read in the forums what happened i initially didn't like the idea, but it was well done and felt right for the character and the time, so well done.


Jocelyn2: If that's the future i say we take of and nuke the entire site from orbit


Marcusdkane: It liked it, it's not the first time Marvel and star trek met, but for some reason i kept imaging stark talking more like Jameson. An enjoyable read none the less.

Cmdrscarlet: It was too short for my tastes, but that's only because it really brings you in and leaves you wanting to know what happened to lead up to it as well as what happened after.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,209
# 100
02-18-2013, 02:09 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
There should have been and i thought there was, but i must have missed putting it in. And yeah, if i knew the limit per post, i would have loved to add in more of a "did A happen because of B or did B happen Because of A" theme as well as go into more of what happened to make Johnson act out. I'll probably edit my personal copy of it to flesh it out better.
As above, that was the only bit that threw me, when I thought "He's back in the room " but other than that, it was a fantastic entry. I think anything else to it would have probably overly complicated it and detracted from it's simplicity, which I think was what made it so good

Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
Marcusdkane: It liked it, it's not the first time Marvel and star trek met, but for some reason i kept imaging stark talking more like Jameson. An enjoyable read none the less.
Thanks Yeah, that makes sense about the Jameson comparison... All I had to go on, was the footage of him in Iron Man II where he was goofing to the camera before getting serious... I read the TNG/X-Men crossover novel (and wish I hadn't) I just figured Stark Industries would be the best company in the 60s to build Starfleet-grade technology (my other alternative, was for them to have contacted Thomas Newton at World Enterprises )
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