Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,585
# 71
04-19-2013, 02:00 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
Personally I think the "empty voice" style of first-person writing (where the narrator remains unidentified and shares no personal details about himself) is a unique challenge unto itself and can be brilliantly effective when used to explore other characters that the narrator interacts with (as in your piece.)
I guess that's a better perspective than it being a non-existent character I just liked the idea of it giving Ael a chance to be 'interviewed' in an easy way

Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
And as for Ael being atypical for a Romulan - since when have any of your major characters been a typical anything? (Except for I'sH'd, I suppose.) I really enjoyed her character as a fun-loving Starfleet officer trying to create some connection to her heritage.
I have to admit, I'd always thought of Amanda, Elyse and Mayer as being pretty average, and yes, I'sH'd is very much a typical Pentaxian officer (I added a better ending to the LC41-LC42 bridging piece to continue showing him in a more positive light) but yes, that is exactly how I viewed Ael. Not knowing how the new expansion is going to be showing things, I got the feeling that the 'legacy of Romulus' is an almost broken people, reduced to serving in foreign fleets and being assimilated refugees...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
So while it may not have been your best work, it was well worthwhile as an exercise both to develop a new character and to stretch your limits as a writer.
What did you think the weaker parts were which I could work on? I thought it might work to hint that she was S'rR's' Academy room-mate, but might that come across as a weakness rather than a strength? (and of course, the Endeavour can always make future appearances if needbe ^_^ )

Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
The shark jaws in question are a full set of teeth and jaws from a Carcharadon megalodon. In Hawaiian mythology there are set of demigods called Ka-poe-kina-mano who appear on land as Humans with shark jaw tattoos on their backs, and in water they actually transform into sharks. They are said to be the watchful protectors of the beaches they haunt, but if they tell you not to enter the water it is because they are intent on devouring any who fail to heed their warning.
Fantastic symbolism, that'll make an awseome backpiece I have a Hawaiian-style piece on my leg, which is essentially a grouping of sharks teeth in a dagger-like shape.

Last edited by marcusdkane; 04-19-2013 at 02:39 PM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,456
# 72
04-19-2013, 03:00 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
What did you think the weaker parts were which I could work on? I thought it might work to hint that she was S'rR's' Academy room-mate, but might that come across as a weakness rather than a strength? (and of course, the Endeavour can always make future appearances if needbe ^_^ )
I think Ael could definitely use more of an emotional hook. Perhaps if she actually was treated badly by a few of her crewmates or bullied in the Academy, it would make her a stronger character. If Humans and other more-common Starfleet species tend to avoid socializing with her because she's a Romulan (totally plausible) then her flirtatiousness could be seen as a way of compensating for that.

And I think having a few relationships with some of your current characters wouldn't hurt. She doesn't serve on the Valkyrie, so she'd have to stand on her own, but it would provide a nice connection if she had a friend or two on that ship.


"I won't try to hide behind the Law if what I stand for is what's Right."

The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,585
# 73
04-19-2013, 03:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
I think Ael could definitely use more of an emotional hook. Perhaps if she actually was treated badly by a few of her crewmates or bullied in the Academy, it would make her a stronger character. If Humans and other more-common Starfleet species tend to avoid socializing with her because she's a Romulan (totally plausible) then her flirtatiousness could be seen as a way of compensating for that.

And I think having a few relationships with some of your current characters wouldn't hurt. She doesn't serve on the Valkyrie, so she'd have to stand on her own, but it would provide a nice connection if she had a friend or two on that ship.
Thanks for the feedback Yeah, it would probably make sense that she would have gotten the cold shoulder at the Academy, afterall, Romulans are pretty universally unpopular (yet everyone loves Romulan ale, despite it being 'illegal', everyone's drinking it... ) so that would definitely be an aspect of her past which would be worth considering And likewise, I wasn't planning on transferring her to the Valkyrie, as I think it would just be too many female characters (might sound strange, but I like to try and keep the genders as balanced as possible) but the occasional reference might not go amiss

Last edited by marcusdkane; 04-19-2013 at 03:53 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,064
# 74
04-19-2013, 04:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
...(yet everyone loves Romulan ale, despite it being 'illegal', everyone's drinking it... )...
That makes me think of an exchange in the next-to-final script for The Wrath of Khan, edited in the final shooting script:

McCOY: Wonderful stuff, that Romulan ale.

KIRK: It's an excellent memory restorative.

McCOY: What?

KIRK: It made me remember why I never drink it.
-------------------------------------------
I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,585
# 75
04-19-2013, 05:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
That makes me think of an exchange in the next-to-final script for The Wrath of Khan, edited in the final shooting script:

McCOY: Wonderful stuff, that Romulan ale.

KIRK: It's an excellent memory restorative.

McCOY: What?

KIRK: It made me remember why I never drink it.
In The Undisovered Country, it is served and noted for it's illegal status, and equally, in Nemesis, Worf says that it should be illegal, and Geordi reminds him that it is, and it just amuses me how these 'bastions of virtue' are not only partaking in contraband, but seem to have no issue acquiring it either
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,456
# 76
04-19-2013, 11:11 PM
Just dropped a little something extra in LC40. Cast list here.


"I won't try to hide behind the Law if what I stand for is what's Right."

The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,998
# 77
04-20-2013, 12:21 AM
Okay, I think this edit's flowing better-less crap anyhow, and a better subtext explanation as to why things are happening.

I don't think Sa'ana's going to become a toon-at least, not one of mine-but she's got a definite 'voice' in my head, and I THINK her identity's shaping up (finally).
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."

Look into Vanilla PvP if you're tired of the endless pursuit of grind, utterly unbalanced selections of geardo-inspired traits, and generally unbalanced and careless 'development' made mostly to turn this game into a second job.
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,456
# 78
04-20-2013, 01:33 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by patrickngo View Post
Okay, I think this edit's flowing better-less crap anyhow, and a better subtext explanation as to why things are happening.

I don't think Sa'ana's going to become a toon-at least, not one of mine-but she's got a definite 'voice' in my head, and I THINK her identity's shaping up (finally).
I love the new ending. Brings a sense of closure to this chapter while opening up good possibilities for future stories. And Sa'ana feels a lot deeper and more cohesive now, more firmly developed than "angry Romulan who misses daddy." I think Shadrak brings out the best of her, by showing her genuine sympathy (rather than just mere concern the Starfleet people display,) he gets her to open up to him.


"I won't try to hide behind the Law if what I stand for is what's Right."

The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,998
# 79
04-20-2013, 03:22 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
I love the new ending. Brings a sense of closure to this chapter while opening up good possibilities for future stories. And Sa'ana feels a lot deeper and more cohesive now, more firmly developed than "angry Romulan who misses daddy." I think Shadrak brings out the best of her, by showing her genuine sympathy (rather than just mere concern the Starfleet people display,) he gets her to open up to him.
Thanks! Hopefully, the next time I bring her out, I'll have an easier time giving her useful things to be doing. As a refugee, Sa'ana's basically an outsider everywhere, and I think Shadrak picked up on that more keenly than any of her shipmates or Fed peers would-or even could.

I will confess, I don't write characters (well) that aren't damaged in some way, it's hard to write someone who's had a decent life and is 'all is well' emotionally. I kind of took a 2 second bit from that Defera fanfic I did last week, filed off a few serial numbers, and threw it up as 'background' for THIS character. Which is how she got the Traumatic Stress Disorder and the tragic first paragraph, and it gave me a 'hook' to work into her mind with.

I think it would be interesting (and a bit easier, to be honest) to hit up some of the authors here for some 'co-writing' or cameos, kind of expanding the universe Sa'ana exists in to have more actual depth than I've been able to provide so far.

I think I'm pretty decent at characterization, but my material tends to be longer than it probably should be, and I tend to throw in too much without properly sorting it-the first edit version is a perfect example, another is sitting somewhere on page 3 or 4 of the Ten Forward forum with about eighty views, and while I managed the Defera story okay, the follow on kind of stank toward the end (I cut it short because of that incoherence in the plot).

Compared to the tight pacing of some of the stories in this LC (and the last one) I'm really kind of feeling like my characters work better if they end up in plots written by other people...There's no (present) experimental evidence of it, but it's a gut feeling nonetheless.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."

Look into Vanilla PvP if you're tired of the endless pursuit of grind, utterly unbalanced selections of geardo-inspired traits, and generally unbalanced and careless 'development' made mostly to turn this game into a second job.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 114
# 80
04-20-2013, 05:46 AM
I think it would be interesting (and a bit easier, to be honest) to hit up some of the authors here for some 'co-writing' or cameos, kind of expanding the universe Sa'ana exists in to have more actual depth than I've been able to provide so far.

Yeah, crossovers would be fun! And I guess if you want to be depressing, it's much easier for Romulans / Remans to know each other these days...

(Despite Othan's pretty deep skepticism about the other two major galactic powers, he has no particular issue with Rihannsu who join Starfleet [or the KDF, for that matter] - if it puts food in their bellies and a roof over their heads, it's the right decision...)
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