Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,289
# 131
06-25-2013, 02:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
Okay, I've just posted the second half of my story. Note that there were a few name changes here and there-- the Klingon First Officer, just because there were two many crewmembers with names beginning with "R" (odd reason, I know), and the Orion helmswoman because I realized that there is already a character in LoR named Satra.
A fantastic conclusion The action and tension were palpable, and the descriptions of the chaos were spot on


Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
marcusdkane: A nice short piece, and as others have pointed out, I liked the nod to canon by referencing the Barzan Wormhole.
Thanks, my goal for this piece was to keep it super simple, to show that not every day in Starfleet is EPIC, but also to show some 'below decks' activity, as I've wanted to show Will Mayer since LC 37
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,289
# 132
06-25-2013, 03:09 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
well the captain himself had been through a similar experience in the last mirror event, as for Wraith, i wanted to go into a little more detail but simply forgot because i usually do these late at night.


Still though it seems each time i write i'll try writing a little bit more just to see how much i can fit into a single post
I certainly know that feeling You did convey just how traumatised Donovan had been by his own encounter with his counterpart, and that indeed 'set the bar' for what he was capable of, I just felt that an experience traumatic enough to reduce a Vulcan to tears, and to do likewise to witnesses, either needed to be fully detailed, so the reader would understand why they are reacting so strongly, or needed to be more than just a hypo to the temple. For example, had Donovan and Wraith entered to find T'Pal bent over the ready room desk with her uniform in tatters, it might've been more understandable. Of course, that's just my perception, and not meant as a criticism of the work, as the rest of the piece was excellent
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 216
# 133
06-25-2013, 05:28 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
ironphoenix: A nice bit of fleet action there! Unlike wraithshadow's story, I actually found it rather refreshing that the Mirror crew member in this story wasn't evil. It reminded me a bit of one of my own stories, where again a Mirror Universe refugee came seeking help, but you actually had Starfleet going out and delivering that help. The end result was pretty awesome, and I like the way Valot managed to manouver the tricky legal grounds of the Prime Directive to do so. Overall, well done!
tyvm! I really prefer writing fleet actions to single ship actions because you can get the awesomeness of writing things like:

Hundreds of phaser beams lanced across the night sky, tearing into the hulls of the enemy vessels.

while still being able to focus in on "smaller" details like this:

The ships phaser beams arced out in every direction, each connecting with a different enemy ship.

Also, I referenced several entries already made by others for the Mirror universe Trill hosts being slaves to the Symbionts, so I figured that it might be interesting to have a group of hosts who wished to try and defect.
Vice Admiral Bryan Mitchel Valot
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
Former PWE Community Team Lead
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 9,046
# 134
06-25-2013, 10:18 AM
Another round of great discussions, Captains! Nice work, and thank you for your involvement, and providing feedback to authors, in these challenges

I am going to unstick this as I prepare to post the discussion thread for #45, but please feel free to still continue the discussions!

Cheers,

Brandon =/\=
Brandon "BranFlakes" Felczer | Former Community Team Lead for Perfect World Entertainment
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,063
# 135
06-25-2013, 01:20 PM
I honestly do feel like i had to cop out a little at the end simply because i'd hit well over 12k words and i honestly don't know the limit. I definitely wanted to explore more into what happened to the Commander as well as just how affected the captain was. Wraith however wasn't crying at all and it was supposed to hint at something to come later on down the line. I just didn't know how much i can actually put in a single post.

With the new challenge though i really think i'm going to delve into it more as an aftermath story. As for the over the desk treatment, i'm not sure I would have taken it there but it was a serious contemplation.
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,219
# 136
06-25-2013, 02:27 PM
@ambassadormolari - spectacular conclusion! I found Lynathru's frustration with the myth vs. science argument on the bridge to be quite comical. I also really enjoyed the final battle with the Kar'fi - your vivid descriptions of combat really put me right there in the fight!

@wraithshadow - great story! I really liked the cruelty mirror Donovan displayed in this one, burning a hole through Keating's shoulder and everything. I thought the transitions toward the end were a little abrupt, and as you pointed out you definitely could have fleshed out a few more details (although personally I'd just as soon leave what Mirror Jimmy was doing to T'Pal up to my own imagination.) If there is a single-post word or character limit, I've never found it - and I've copied in 30+ pages from MS word on multiple occasions. Also there were a few typos I noticed ("threw" instead of "through") but nothing too distracting from the overall story, which really was excellent.

@zindanetribal - One of my favorite things in these LCs is seeing what random aliens the authors will choose to pull in their stories, and I must say the Vaadwaur are an excellent choice! And Admiral Lee at the end ("so whatever") really cracks me up.


"Freedom is just a pretty idea unless it's backed by Force."

The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,063
# 137
06-25-2013, 06:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
@wraithshadow - great story! I really liked the cruelty mirror Donovan displayed in this one, burning a hole through Keating's shoulder and everything. I thought the transitions toward the end were a little abrupt, and as you pointed out you definitely could have fleshed out a few more details (although personally I'd just as soon leave what Mirror Jimmy was doing to T'Pal up to my own imagination.) If there is a single-post word or character limit, I've never found it - and I've copied in 30+ pages from MS word on multiple occasions. Also there were a few typos I noticed ("threw" instead of "through") but nothing too distracting from the overall story, which really was excellent.


Ha, I'd not even noticed that. I tend to breeze through autocorrect with out paying much attention, but that one was probably just due to my inability to sleep lately.

As for the word limit bit, that's actually good to know. I hit it once before the Forums switched over, but aside from that i don't think i've done it since. Perhaps from now on i should let it progress naturally and just let it be. I do like that people seem to enjoy these though.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,289
# 138
06-26-2013, 04:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
I honestly do feel like i had to cop out a little at the end simply because i'd hit well over 12k words and i honestly don't know the limit. I definitely wanted to explore more into what happened to the Commander as well as just how affected the captain was. Wraith however wasn't crying at all and it was supposed to hint at something to come later on down the line. I just didn't know how much i can actually put in a single post.

With the new challenge though i really think i'm going to delve into it more as an aftermath story. As for the over the desk treatment, i'm not sure I would have taken it there but it was a serious contemplation.
That was just a possible suggestion, you could go anywhere with what Mirror Jimmy did to T'Pal, it'll be interesting to see her recuperation
Commander
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 491
# 139
06-26-2013, 11:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
@ambassadormolari - spectacular conclusion! I found Lynathru's frustration with the myth vs. science argument on the bridge to be quite comical. I also really enjoyed the final battle with the Kar'fi - your vivid descriptions of combat really put me right there in the fight!
Thanks! I was mostlly inspired by every single "Defiant vs larger battleship" scene from DS9, and tried to get across the visual image of a small, manouverable ship slowly pecking its larger opponent to death.
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