Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,775
# 121
07-31-2013, 05:29 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by masopw View Post
...ok, I want to know what they took from the archive!
That's classified


Nah, only joking, in truth, I don't know myself, only that it was information somehow relating to the Dominion War... My inspiration was the opening to Nemesis and the swoop down to the senate, and I got the image of him sprinting out on some kind of mission. Beyond that, I genuinely don't know what they were after

Quote:
Originally Posted by masopw View Post
And speaking of sneaky...I put two pop culture references in my entry...one so blatant I had expected to get yelled at, the other a bit more subtle. Kudos to anybody who can name the latter...
The Hawaiian references? The things which jumped out at me most, were that I had previously used the name Sotek in a few entries, and the Endeavour was the name of Marcus' ship, and in recent entries, referenced as the ship which a Romulan tactical officer serves on, but I'm sure it's not that

Last edited by marcusdkane; 07-31-2013 at 05:31 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,775
# 122
07-31-2013, 06:56 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
I added a little bit to the descriptors at the end of my story. I was tempted to add more, but I've just eaten, and didn't want to look that closely at the image in my head.
Very nice It reminded me somewhat of a novel I read years ago called The Military Form (think an opening like Alien, turning into one of Patrick and Sander's colonial battlefields) where the titular alien would physically re-write its victims DNA With similarly floral flesh-forms The idea of Xenomorph impregnation has never really bothered me other than "wouldn't want that to happen to me on an away mission..." but the Military Form really disturbed me, and this had the same effect and horror... Kudos

PS All AIs should have anagram-based names
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,469
# 123
07-31-2013, 08:53 AM
Whew!

I am just not good at space combat writing, but I'm working on it

Cast:
Kathryn Beringer - Rachel Nichols
Targhis Vor - Kevin O'Connor
Andorian (Thel Ythysi) - Kevin Sorbo
Tacticalman - sidewalk extra 1
Helmsman - sidewalk extra 2
Commsman - sidewalk extra 3
Weaponsman - sidewalk extra 4
Scienceman - sidewalk extra 5

Reviews continuing!
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene

Last edited by cmdrscarlet; 07-31-2013 at 09:02 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,775
# 124
07-31-2013, 09:16 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
Whew!

I am just not good at space combat writing, but I'm working on it
Very nice Kathryn really must be a witch to use tricks like that

I loved how the crew were identified solely by position, it gave not only the dehumanising impression that they were just conscripts, rather than officers, but also a nice touch of that Buck Rogers-era sci-fi, as with the naming of Princess Ardala's bodyguards

PS I hope you saw the re-write of S'rR's's nightmare, I remember you rather liked it first time round ^_^
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,290
# 125
07-31-2013, 10:22 AM
I like the idea of casting your crew!

Senior Officers/Main Cast:

Dominique McElligott as: Captain Aznia Deet - Joined Trill Captain
Edi Gathegi as: Commander Span - Vulcan Chief Medical Officer
Quentin 'Rampage' Jackson as: Lt. Commander Quallo - Ferengi Cheif Tactical Officer
Krysten Ritter as: Lt. Commander First of Eight - Liberated Borg/Human Chief Engineer
Sean Murray as: Lt. Atom - Android Science Officer
Christopher Heyerdahl as: Lt. Dewoh - Saurian Chief of Security (not in this story)
TJ Thyne as: Ensign Pa'an Enthaas - Aenar Helmsman


Secondary/Recurring Characters:

Sir Richard Branson as: Admiral Edward Park - Human Fleet Admiral (not in this story)
Jonathan LaPaglia as: Chief Petty Officer Kivok Volor - Cardassian Systems Technician (not in this story)
Bryce Dallas Howard as: Ensign Keesa Bine - Bajoran Transporter Chief
Ben Stiller as: Anthony Wunderlich - Human Civilian/Bartender (not in this story)

Last edited by azniadeet; 07-31-2013 at 11:52 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,249
# 126
07-31-2013, 11:49 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
Whew!

I am just not good at space combat writing, but I'm working on it

Cast:
Kathryn Beringer - Rachel Nichols
Targhis Vor - Kevin O'Connor
Andorian (Thel Ythysi) - Kevin Sorbo
Tacticalman - sidewalk extra 1
Helmsman - sidewalk extra 2
Commsman - sidewalk extra 3
Weaponsman - sidewalk extra 4
Scienceman - sidewalk extra 5

Reviews continuing!
It's actually not a bad climax scene, but you did make your villains...kind of...well...not the sharpest silly putty in the jar?

The trick was a good trick, and the trash-talking before the final fight was engaged was also good, but a fight's not heroic if it's easy. (one of the problems I've had many times myself, even to the point of dropping a story entirely because I couldn't get the battle-scenes to work.)

A bit of unsolicited advice on choreographing a good epic fight?

switch perspectives and show damage to both sides, toss in some misdirection to the reader with dialogue, you don't have to show them destroying the whole flotila, just imply it after taking flashy-but-survivable damage.

In an Epic fight, don't be afraid to show good-guy casualties or even deaths (in a longer story it's sometimes necessary to ADD someone you can kill-the Redshirt Trope is a trope because it's a cliche-it's a cliche because it WORKS.)

as it is, from reading your other LC posts, this one's not quite up to your standard imho, you're better at this than you may think you are. as it is, this felt like you stopped halfway with the outline, then rushed to production. Why do I say this?

5 on 1 should be a tough fight-not impossible, but not easy, and your Nausi commander was, well... a little bit on the dim side for a named character unless he's got an arc where he's supposed to be one of those officers who're kind a dimwit.

I usually enjoy your stuff more, and this one has good 'bones' underlying it wrt showing unorthodox tactics in a pressure situation, I just think you could've done it better than you did.

It just felt a little like you had Conservation of Ninjutsu going here.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."

I play KDF, because being a genocidal maniac works better with Klingons, than explaining it as a member of Starfleet.
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,469
# 127
07-31-2013, 12:10 PM
@ marcusdkane - I reread the piece and it got better! It seemed ... more full, if that makes sense?

Reviews:
@ shevet - Another fabulous piece! The augments of Earth has always fascinated me but I have not learned more about it (intentionally) because I want to keep the Wrath of Khan in that state of innocence I had watching it the first time. Still, Andorian augments ... yeah that's good stuff.

@ jonsills - Knowing the ending prior to reading the piece was kind of a bummer for me, but it didn't take away from enjoying the rest of the story. Yay Grunt!

Now then ... @ patrickngo ...

Your feedback is valuable and I must agree I suffered for this LC. 47 is a big enough number and I was forced into decisions by time (VAYCAY this weekend!). I was also not really inspired as I am concentrating on previous LCs. Regardless of my excuse, it *was* good to read that my entry fit into a recognizable pattern of writing that has a fix (other than a total rewrite ). I did feel it was missing the Fed perspective, but I hoped sticking to one side ... well ... showed only one side. It started with my Captain's perspective, but I really wanted to do something different.

Hmm. The point was the trick in winning against Team Gargantuan, but the delivery could be improved upon it seems. That link will help me decide what to do for this entry.
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Ensign
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 15
# 128
07-31-2013, 01:20 PM
Welp, posted the first part of mine. Probably going to post the rest of it later (once it's done...) but it has been quite a struggle
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,249
# 129
07-31-2013, 01:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
@ marcusdkane - I reread the piece and it got better! It seemed ... more full, if that makes sense?

Reviews:
@ shevet - Another fabulous piece! The augments of Earth has always fascinated me but I have not learned more about it (intentionally) because I want to keep the Wrath of Khan in that state of innocence I had watching it the first time. Still, Andorian augments ... yeah that's good stuff.

@ jonsills - Knowing the ending prior to reading the piece was kind of a bummer for me, but it didn't take away from enjoying the rest of the story. Yay Grunt!

Now then ... @ patrickngo ...

Your feedback is valuable and I must agree I suffered for this LC. 47 is a big enough number and I was forced into decisions by time (VAYCAY this weekend!). I was also not really inspired as I am concentrating on previous LCs. Regardless of my excuse, it *was* good to read that my entry fit into a recognizable pattern of writing that has a fix (other than a total rewrite ). I did feel it was missing the Fed perspective, but I hoped sticking to one side ... well ... showed only one side. It started with my Captain's perspective, but I really wanted to do something different.

Hmm. The point was the trick in winning against Team Gargantuan, but the delivery could be improved upon it seems. That link will help me decide what to do for this entry.
Hopefully it'll help, I was a little worried that my criticism would be seen as harsh-(a flaw of mine-I often come across more negatively than I intend.)
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."

I play KDF, because being a genocidal maniac works better with Klingons, than explaining it as a member of Starfleet.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,249
# 130
07-31-2013, 01:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by patchouli19 View Post
Welp, posted the first part of mine. Probably going to post the rest of it later (once it's done...) but it has been quite a struggle
A good start.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."

I play KDF, because being a genocidal maniac works better with Klingons, than explaining it as a member of Starfleet.
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