Commander
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 374
I've rereleased my first foundry mission, titled "Uncharted." Please check it out under "Review Content"! My handle is @ACEMAN97. Thanks!
More anything?
"MORE EVERYTHING!"
-Jerry Seinfeld on Star Trek Online Content

Foundry Works: Uncharted
Commander
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 374
# 2
08-25-2013, 07:02 PM
Here's the info in the special format:

Mission: "Uncharted"
Handle: @ACEMAN97
Level: 41+
Mission ID: ST-HLNC2NGEW
Allegiance: Starfleet

Let me know of any bugs, problems finding the mission, etc.

*It starts in the Imaga System of the Sirius Sector Block.
More anything?
"MORE EVERYTHING!"
-Jerry Seinfeld on Star Trek Online Content

Foundry Works: Uncharted

Last edited by kiloace; 08-27-2013 at 07:03 PM.
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,499
# 3
08-25-2013, 07:13 PM
I'll see if I can check your mission out tomorrow.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,499
# 4
08-27-2013, 06:20 AM
Hey, sorry I wasn't able do your mission yesterday. I'll try again today. Also, you should put what sector the system is in.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8,499
# 5
08-30-2013, 11:08 AM
You'll probably want to add which sector the system is in. It didn't mention it at all. Luckily I happened to be in the same sector so that prevented me from having to search.
King of Lions rawr! Protect the wildlife of the world. Check out my foundry series Perfection and Scars of the Pride.
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1#post13990891
Commander
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 374
# 6
09-11-2013, 05:14 PM
v2.1 Release Notes:

- The Imaga System has been redesigned.

- General dialogue proofing.


Known Problems:

Currently none.

Feel free to post reviews in this thread, as well as typos, problems, and ideas. Plays are much appreciated.
More anything?
"MORE EVERYTHING!"
-Jerry Seinfeld on Star Trek Online Content

Foundry Works: Uncharted
Survivor of Romulus
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,852
# 7
09-26-2013, 03:23 AM
I want to let you know I've played your mission yesterday . Pretty well done!
You can find my review over here.
^^ I am Stoutes, and I approve of my message ^^
Commander
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 441
# 8
09-26-2013, 02:29 PM
Just had a playthrough and it was fun and a nice set up. It has a good balance in its gameplay which I like. I like the premise* and development. it is better than a lot of part ones by having a decent development arc of its own

However, I think it falls down on depth. You don't get any chance to learn about or care about any character you come across. With a set up like that, you have a lot of potential to really flesh it out just with a bit of side text.

Was fun though, and I hope to see more development in the future parts. Lets see what happened .

*=though this is on the condition that inter-galactic travel is proven unworkable for some reason at the end of the story. These things can't last in Star Trek because it makes the final frontier, and the mechanics of the game, forfit.

& Rose Tinted Mirror (Fed 31+)
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 767
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiloace View Post
Mission Name: Uncharted
Author: @ACEMAN97
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLNC2NGEW
Estimated Mission Length: 30-40 minutes

My first foundry mission. I published it awhile ago, but then I had to take off from STO for a long time. I'm looking to re-release it and get it popular.
Federation Mission - Uncharted
Author: ACEMAN97
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLNC2NGEW

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with a nice balance of well written story dialogue and battles. I would recommend this mission to other players as a fun mission that is not too long and enjoyable to play.

I like the premise of the mission. With that said, there are some plot issues I mention below that need to be addressed. Specifically the issues are with contradictory dialogue. In one sequence of dialogue the probes equipped to be sent cannot communicate to return data. Aside from the obvious communication issues the bigger concern would be the vessels ability to return from such a great distance. This communication issues also have contradicting dialogue references. In one portion the fact that the USS Luna has not been heard from is mentioned as an issue. However in later dialogue it is indicated that all communications will be severed once the player crosses the threshold. The other issue is how does the ship signal the gate to bring it back if communications are an issue? I mention a solution below regarding the gate creating a trigger event in the ships computer for it the return as it crosses the threshold. It would be a simple line of dialogue to add to the explanation of the technology.

The use of the Borg as the antagonist in this story is okay but I think you could have used this opportunity to create another species. This species could be powerful like the Borg but lacking in the ability to travel great distances. That would be the catalyst in the story that makes the Quantum Phasewave Technology the USS Luna was equipped with would be valuable to them. You could make them a malevolent race of creatures bent on conquering but they have been limited in their capability to travel long distances. Then the explosion detected by the Federation 30 years prior could be linked somehow to the story. I am sure you created that story point with a purpose in the impending series of missions you intend to create. It would give you the ability to write your own story and as you indicated in your review request to "get it popular".

One last thing, as I have mentioned many times before and on some of the maps below the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. Even in those areas I recommend using "..." vice "Continue". Having the player respond with something other than "Continue" is particularly important when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. Taking the extra time to write a better response helps make the player feel like they are part of the story and not just reading dialogue.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is well written but needs a little more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is lacking story. As I indicated with the description above you need to create dialogue that draws the player into the story. The goal of the grant mission dialogue is to get the player to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: The initial task should contain the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Imaga VI: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The over use of the response button "Continue" will be noted for each map where it is found to be over used and discussed on the summary above.
-The Commander Emma Sanders dialogue; consider removing the "How does Quantum Phasewave Technology work" from the initial dialogue response choices. This technology has not been mentioned in any dialogue at this point in the story, so it makes no sense for the player to ask this question. Move it to a point in the dialogue where it makes sense.
-The story point regarding "Starfleet Intelligence" detecting the explosion. Would it make more sense to have it be "Starfleet Science" instead? Especially since all other references in the dialogue mention scientist.
-Plot issue; in Commander Emma Sanders explanation of the Quantum Phasewave Technology she states that using the Transwarp Gate the ship can travel to any known location in the universe. The next map is labeled "Unknown Space". This seems inconsistent with the dialogue.
-Plot issue; the probes that were sent first "could not transmit their data over such a long distance" then why not bring them back to download their data. The first issue they should have been interested in testing was the ability to bring a ship back to the point of origin.
-Plot issue; loss of communication with the USS Luna is mentioned as an issue requiring investigation. In later dialogue you mention "We will not be able to communicate with you" and "you will not be able to transmit for help once you cross the threshold". So the fact that you lost contact with the USS Luna should not have been a concern. Consider changing the concern to be that USS Luna did not return as scheduled.
-Plot issue; regarding the Quantum Phasewave Technology, if a Transwarp Gate is needed to trigger the Quantum Phasewave Drive to send the ship to a location beyond normal warp distances then how do they trigger the return? This is related to the plot issue mentioned above regarding the probes "could not transmit their data over such a long distance". Consider adding dialogue in the explanation of the Quantum Phasewave Technology that discusses a computer system trigger created by the gate systems that allows the ship to return. You need to create something that does not rely on direct communication with the gate that triggered the drive to bring it back.
-There are a few places were the dialogue from BOFFs and NPCs that uses "sir". Consider changing those to "Captain" which would be commonly used when referring to the player. I would also use this rule throughout the mission vice [Rank].

Unknown Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Plot issue; regarding life signs. When the player first arrives in the vicinity of the USS Luna there are no life signs detectable. In the Map Transfer dialogue "There is a noticeable concentration of life signs on Deck 5". Consider changing the initial readings to indicate "sensors are picking up Borg life signs spread across the ship". During the options discussion add dialogue that indicates "There is a noticeable concentration of life signs on Deck 5". Otherwise why bother beaming over in hopes of finding crew that could be saved. Just blow the ship up and leave.

USS Luna Deck 5: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

USS Luna Deck 1: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-In one dialogue Captain Ross refers to the player by [NickName] and in a later one he refers to the player by [Rank]. Consider changing it to be consistent. If the NPC has a familiar tone as Captain to Captain but it needs to be consistent.

Unknown Space #2: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue "The USS Luna reports they will be prepared to depart in a few minutes" to read "The USS Luna reports they will be ready to beam up in a few minutes".
-Consider changing the Borg transmission to regular dialogue vice [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The Captain Ross dialogue; consider changing "Seems the borg assimilated more than we first thought" to read "Seems the Borg assimilated more than we first thought".
-Consider changing "Sorry to interrupt sir" to read "Sorry to interrupt Captain".
-Plot issue; regarding the scanning of the debris. It feels like the sequence is out of order between the report of the scanning of the debris and the report regarding the retrieval of the Luna crew. Consider switching the sequence of the dialogue.

Imaga VI#2: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. It is a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the creation of this mission and with a little more work it will become a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/03/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Commander
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 374
# 10
12-02-2013, 01:04 PM
If ever the foundry comes back online, version 3.1 will feature a new Imaga system (AGAIN! lol) and overall revamping of minor details.
More anything?
"MORE EVERYTHING!"
-Jerry Seinfeld on Star Trek Online Content

Foundry Works: Uncharted
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