Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,047
# 91
09-29-2013, 12:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
@wraithshadow: A few typos in the opening paragraph, and of course some ?s snuck past you for the nonce, but overall a quite impressive tale.

And I was amused that the Geist's EMH, presumably a Mk II, actually seemed to have turned into Andy Di.ck...
Ha! you're way too quick for me sir. I was able to correct the ?'s but overall, i've noticed that they were coming up as incorrect before i posted, even though they were I've, so each one with a red underline became I?ve. Still, i'm glad you liked it, but i just wish i had made it a little stronger with the character development.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,961
# 92
09-29-2013, 03:29 AM
Nice entry I don't think it would be possible to do much character development under such circumstances, but it didn't feel 'flat', and carried the tone of resignation and determination nicely Something I would like to see in terms of Wraith's development, is less references to him as 'the boy', as he is an adult. Also, even if his mind was initially a void due to his gestation, Trek has shown several instances of where a person can be re-educated, not just to social functionality, but to qualified officer status, in a short time, and it would be nice to see him operating on a more equal footing with the rest of the crew, maybe even a designated duty, rather than simply being a useful 'pet' who manages to save the day by virtue of being strong and undetectable by the enemy... Oh, and Krotius needs to reappear to kick his ass again at some point... That was probably the best entry ever

Last edited by marcusdkane; 09-29-2013 at 03:32 AM.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 195
# 93
09-29-2013, 11:15 AM
I didn't get time to write for #49, but the premise was intriguing so I've used it for my redux. Captain Erred and Nicci's pilot episode is not intended as required reading, but is a prequel for anyone intrigued by my Traveler.

@jaelk: Complex tale! You have an ominous start. At least we might hope the Traveler is on our side. A nice sense of galactic scale.

Now to 17 other stories to read in my lunch break.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,390
# 94
09-29-2013, 12:50 PM
Milandare: you made me laugh. The whole story moves with the goofy speed of a silent movie-and you made me laugh. "Drake Franklin" lol
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,762
# 95
09-29-2013, 01:52 PM
@jonnaroslyn - very interesting story, and a great way to show that even with the best of intentions, tragic mistakes can be made by anyone.

@drajora - nice entry. Not quite in keeping with the established timeline but I did enjoy the machinations of your Romulans.

@grylak - a terrific story about your crew holding on by their fingernails. I really loved your personification of the ship during the core breach.

@danqueller - fantastic entry. The ending could have been phrased better but the rest of it was a really excellent read.

@raventomoe - fascinating premise/prologue for a series you have there. I look forward to seeing more.

@patrickngo - lovin' it.

@wraithshadow - stop being so hard on yourself! (that's our job.) Seriously, though, very nice work. After all of your prior entries where the crew of the Geist seemed to take Wraith for granted, showing him in the early days as a strange and unsettling thing that had been dropped into their midst is rather enlightening. I also loved the "documentary" reference.

@milandare - I'm really enjoying what you're doing with Nicci, and Erred, and everyone who crosses their path. (especially a "Drake.") Also, the "age" question was hilarious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by patrickngo View Post
Milandare: you made me laugh. The whole story moves with the goofy speed of a silent movie-and you made me laugh. "Drake Franklin" lol
"Take that, cruel world!" BZZZT! - also hilarious.



...

For those of you who have been following "The Dark Horses" - the story patrickngo and I have been working lately, Act Four has been posted and the Fifth and Final Act will be ready to post in a few hours. Your feedback in that thread is very much appreciated!

Last edited by sander233; 09-29-2013 at 01:54 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,047
# 96
09-29-2013, 02:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
Nice entry I don't think it would be possible to do much character development under such circumstances, but it didn't feel 'flat', and carried the tone of resignation and determination nicely Something I would like to see in terms of Wraith's development, is less references to him as 'the boy', as he is an adult. Also, even if his mind was initially a void due to his gestation, Trek has shown several instances of where a person can be re-educated, not just to social functionality, but to qualified officer status, in a short time, and it would be nice to see him operating on a more equal footing with the rest of the crew, maybe even a designated duty, rather than simply being a useful 'pet' who manages to save the day by virtue of being strong and undetectable by the enemy... Oh, and Krotius needs to reappear to kick his ass again at some point... That was probably the best entry ever
Well that's why my complaint about most of my writing is really a lack of character development. The boy, comes more from Donovan, being the older fatherly figure. It's just how he refers to him since Wraith is still so inexperienced. It's part of the reason why he and his son didn't get along as well as they could have. I've been wanting to show more Wraith development, as he's my favorite character but it's difficult given that he's already so heavy in the action scenes. Even though he's my main character, i don't want it to feel like the Wraith show, which is why i try to leave him out when possible. Sadly with the power he has, as a means to keep it from being too much, or an "i win" button i try to leave him vulnerable where ever possible.

As much horror as he can commit, he's very much like a child in that he only does it on impulse which is how he still maintains that child like innocence out side of being a Genetically engineered murder machine. Also, due to the heavy augments on his system, he isn't as smart as every one else on the ship. Most of his brain is being used to regulate and maintain a lot of work that really has no place being in one body, so while he's not deficient in any way, he'll always be more of the Modern times character in the future world, in regards to no matter how much they can teach him, he will never manage to be as intelligent as the rest of society is.

He can assist Chief Fine anywhere on the ship, but he'll never be able to be an engineer as it were. Much like myself, there is a lot of potential, but it's just difficult for me to express myself to the full extent. I can do action and dialog well enough, but it's the more detailed undertones and characteristics that i need to learn to portray better. I will however take what you said into heavy consideration though, because you're right and i do use "the boy" too much as a designation. As for Krotious, he will definitely be coming back to have a rematch with the more aggressive Wraith as part of his story gets expanded, but i just have to wait for the right challenge to put down the story as i have planned.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,961
# 97
09-29-2013, 03:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
Well that's why my complaint about most of my writing is really a lack of character development. The boy, comes more from Donovan, being the older fatherly figure. It's just how he refers to him since Wraith is still so inexperienced. It's part of the reason why he and his son didn't get along as well as they could have. I've been wanting to show more Wraith development, as he's my favorite character but it's difficult given that he's already so heavy in the action scenes. Even though he's my main character, i don't want it to feel like the Wraith show, which is why i try to leave him out when possible. Sadly with the power he has, as a means to keep it from being too much, or an "i win" button i try to leave him vulnerable where ever possible.

As much horror as he can commit, he's very much like a child in that he only does it on impulse which is how he still maintains that child like innocence out side of being a Genetically engineered murder machine. Also, due to the heavy augments on his system, he isn't as smart as every one else on the ship. Most of his brain is being used to regulate and maintain a lot of work that really has no place being in one body, so while he's not deficient in any way, he'll always be more of the Modern times character in the future world, in regards to no matter how much they can teach him, he will never manage to be as intelligent as the rest of society is.

He can assist Chief Fine anywhere on the ship, but he'll never be able to be an engineer as it were. Much like myself, there is a lot of potential, but it's just difficult for me to express myself to the full extent. I can do action and dialog well enough, but it's the more detailed undertones and characteristics that i need to learn to portray better. I will however take what you said into heavy consideration though, because you're right and i do use "the boy" too much as a designation. As for Krotious, he will definitely be coming back to have a rematch with the more aggressive Wraith as part of his story gets expanded, but i just have to wait for the right challenge to put down the story as i have planned.
I don't think your writing lacks development, Krotious is a testament to achieving fine characterisation in a short period, rather than over an extended entry, so no need to be hard on yourself there Ahh, that makes more sense as to why Wraith couldn't be 'additionally educated', and more sense as to why he does not have a designted role. On the flip side of that coin, S'rR's is also, to use your phrase, a genetically engineered murder machine, but has the intellect to match her physical attributes. Equally, I decided to remove that 'I win' button by stripping her of her near-immortality, which I hope will be of benefit in later LC's. I'm now really looking forward to the return of Krotious
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,961
# 98
09-29-2013, 04:20 PM
Double Post

Last edited by marcusdkane; 09-29-2013 at 05:14 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,961
# 99
09-29-2013, 04:36 PM
I decided to tie up some loose ends from LC #48, so wrote this piece. I hope people will enjoy it.

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

S'rR's Kane - Amy Smart
Amanda Palmer - Courteney Cox
Ben Kincaid - Colin Farrell
T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,390
# 100
09-29-2013, 05:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
I decided to tie up some loose ends from LC #48, so wrote this piece. I hope people will enjoy it.

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

S'rR's Kane - Amy Smart
Amanda Palmer - Courteney Cox
Ben Kincaid - Colin Farrell
T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
I seem to just tend to really like your S'r'Rs stories.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."
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