Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 140
I am pleased to announce that my second Foundry mission "Uprising: Act II - The Tempest"is now available to be played. It is the sequel to Uprising: Act I - Off The Grid. It is recommended that you play Act I before this new chapter. Please by all means leave feedback whether you like it or don't. If you don't like it, please explain why instead of just saying "It sucked". I'm very excited for this series and I hope you enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed creating it.

Uprising: Act II - The Tempest
ST-HHVBJJLMC
Faction: Federation
Level: Any
Ground and space combat
Heavy dialogue
Single player
Approximately 1 hour playtime

Thanks for playing!

"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @BurghBlitz
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 140
# 2
10-26-2013, 08:32 AM
I'm pleased to report that this mission is gaining favorable reviews but still stuck in red letter hell. Hoping to get into "standard rewards" soon! Thanks for playing

"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @BurghBlitz
Lieutenant
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
# 3
10-26-2013, 09:25 AM
I'm really liking the story, which is probably the most ambitious I've seen from a Foundry quest and definitely caught me by surprise, but I think I enjoyed Part I more just because I had more to do. Aside from a handful of pretty easy mobs you have to fight on three or four maps and a couple of basic "scan object right next to you" tasks, there's not much for the player to do other than scroll through dialog boxes.

I'm eagerly awaiting Part III -- I'm excited to see where the story goes next. But I hope it will feel more open and less obviously like I'm being railroaded through a series of conversations between non-player characters.

One idea I would have, if you want to open this mission back up for revisions (some Foundry contributors do, some don't), would be to simply include more dialogue options. Those can go a long way sometimes toward making the player feel more like a participant and less like an observer. You might also add a few more tasks here and there, if you'd like, but I wouldn't do anything to compromise the tightly woven plot you've crafted to do so.
Author, "Facing the Past" and "Stepping Over the Line" (a duology), "Venus Unveiled", "Worlds of the Federation", and "Alliances and Alignments"
Member, Shadowbroker
Not linear
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 140
# 4
10-26-2013, 10:39 AM
Thank you! Hearing things like it being possibly the most ambitious story you've seen so far is quite a compliment. Certainly makes it all feel worth it.

I agree that Act II seemed a bit more...confined...than Act I. Unfortunately I felt that I really had to lay the groundwork of the story with this chapter which meant LOTS of dialog. And since I want the whole plot to continue being kind of a mystery it was necessary to not just be like "here's what's happening, fight some baddies". I actually debated quite a bit but eventually found that combat wouldn't be as prevalent but hopefully the action was - especially toward the end. Which I hope it did. If that makes sense.

Act III will have more to do because the plot will come to light. I have some "different" things planned that I hope people enjoy. I hope you'll enjoy it. And I'm always open to suggestions, but they might not be in place before III comes out. Thank you for playing!

"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @BurghBlitz

Last edited by maninblack017; 10-26-2013 at 10:40 AM. Reason: typo
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 707
Quote:
Originally Posted by maninblack017 View Post
Hi.
If you get around to it, I'd love to get reviews of my two missions. The second one was just published today. These are the first two missions I've authored so I'd love to hear views on how I can improve.

The missions are:
Uprising: Act I - Off The Grid
Uprising: Act II - The Tempest

Both are federation missions. Thank you!
Federation Mission - Uprising: Act II - The Tempest
Author: maninblack
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: HHVBJJLMC

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission in the series with good map designs, fun battles, and excellent story dialogue. The mission was riveting from start to finish. I did note two maps you have in the mission that do not appear to be needed as they add nothing to the mission or the story. I would highly recommend this mission and the entire series.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good and detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing all informational dialogue to [OOC] vice plain text.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "These ones come straight from the top" to read "They come straight from the top".

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial task for your first custom map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Starbase 117: This is a nice map design but seems unnecessary to the mission. You enter the map, fly across and beam to the ship. Consider removing this map and having the player beam directly to the U.S.S. Longstreet.

U.S.S. Longstreet: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Deck 10: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Battle Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Delta Vienna System: This is a good map design with fun battles and great story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the three scan to a single scan. The three scans seem pointless without a report following each one.

U.S.S. Interceptor Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Battle Bridge#2: This is a good map design with great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Imperon System: This is a good map design with fun battles and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Deck 9 Forward: This is a good map design with fun battles and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Deck 9 Aft: This is a good map design with great effects and well written story dialogue. I do not feel like this map is to the mission. You should consider removing this map and reworking the previous map to take up this portion of the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Imperon IV: This is a good, simple map design with great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-One of the casualty patients has his head partially sticking in the crate. Consider moving the crate a little further out.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and the series. I am looking forward to the next installment in the series and to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/08/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.

Last edited by evil70th; 11-09-2013 at 07:45 AM.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 140
# 6
11-09-2013, 12:55 PM
Thank you for reviewing my missions. I'm very pleased that you enjoyed them.

Perhaps you're right about the Starbase 117 map being kind of pointless. It was going to come into play in another scene that I eventually removed so I should probably remove that too. I will definitely look into correcting the errors you pointed out. Thank you!

"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @BurghBlitz
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 140
# 7
11-24-2013, 10:22 AM
I am pleased to announce that Uprising: Act II - The Tempest is finally out of red word hell and now qualifies for foundry rewards. Thank you to everyone who's played it!

"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @BurghBlitz
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 161
# 8
12-09-2013, 02:48 PM
Just finished playing this. I'm amazed. You're a master of "noises off"; the things that were happening off-stage throughout the story felt scarily real.

It's true that it has to do a bit of "playing my Captain for me", putting large chunks of dialogue into her mouth that might or might not fit (every Foundry author prefers not to think about the possibility of Vulcans...), but that's the nature of the story - you couldn't really do it any other way, and I don't mind that myself, it's like reading a story about a character who's part of the story, rather than having to necessarily act like mine usually does.

Here are the notes I made as I went along, but they're all tiny things.

USS Longstreet, end of briefing: It's awkward about President Locke. According to STO's loading-screen trivia, the President of the Federation is Aennik Okeg from Sauria. Could Locke be somebody else? Also, the person who mentions him looks like Admiral Quinn, who is present, but is named as "Admiral John Chamberlain", who isn't.

Battle Bridge, after Hunter decides to send the Seawolf: "Duely noted" should be "Duly noted".

Nitpicking, but 10 ships doesn't actually equal 10,000 people even if they were all Odysseys; 5,000 is more like it. (Crew sizes in 2409 don't seem to have changed dramatically from the "430 people" that Kirk used to agonise about when things were going wrong.)

Battle Bridge #2, Captain's Log: That is just a teeny bit hammy, even for Star Trek.

"Something was suppressing the electrical current needed for his synapses to pass the neurons on to his brain's neurotransmitters": 9 out of 10 players wouldn't know this is gibberish, but all the same, it never hurts to do it properly. (Though science gibberish is a fine old Star Trek tradition.) "Something was suppressing the electrical current needed for his synapses to pass on neurotransmitters to his brain's cerebral cortex"? That works (depending on the detail of what it turned out happened).

Comms officer's report - "We're in the Imperon System, Captain in the Orion Sector": comma after "Captain".

The final "Imperon IV" map is simply wonderful. What are the map and the main items used? I want to steal them. Even if I have to make up a scene specially to fit them in :-)

Thanks for a really enjoyable mission. Now, how in the world are you going to get out of that? Well, we'll find out soon enough!

Last edited by wombat140; 12-12-2013 at 01:57 PM. Reason: altered my suggested neurobabble to match better with what previous screens said
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
# 9
12-15-2013, 12:03 PM
Great work on the mission. I have to say it is probably one of the favorite ones I have played. It has a great villain and has a great cliffhanger. I was not bored for one minute of the mission.
*SPOLIER DO NOT READ ON IF YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETED*

I did love the way you made abandon ship scene. This has been the first time I have seen that and you did a marvelous job. Cant wait for the next mission.

11.5/10
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 140
# 10
12-29-2013, 10:47 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wombat140 View Post
Just finished playing this. I'm amazed. You're a master of "noises off"; the things that were happening off-stage throughout the story felt scarily real.

It's true that it has to do a bit of "playing my Captain for me", putting large chunks of dialogue into her mouth that might or might not fit (every Foundry author prefers not to think about the possibility of Vulcans...), but that's the nature of the story - you couldn't really do it any other way, and I don't mind that myself, it's like reading a story about a character who's part of the story, rather than having to necessarily act like mine usually does.

Here are the notes I made as I went along, but they're all tiny things.

USS Longstreet, end of briefing: It's awkward about President Locke. According to STO's loading-screen trivia, the President of the Federation is Aennik Okeg from Sauria. Could Locke be somebody else? Also, the person who mentions him looks like Admiral Quinn, who is present, but is named as "Admiral John Chamberlain", who isn't.

Battle Bridge, after Hunter decides to send the Seawolf: "Duely noted" should be "Duly noted".

Nitpicking, but 10 ships doesn't actually equal 10,000 people even if they were all Odysseys; 5,000 is more like it. (Crew sizes in 2409 don't seem to have changed dramatically from the "430 people" that Kirk used to agonise about when things were going wrong.)

Battle Bridge #2, Captain's Log: That is just a teeny bit hammy, even for Star Trek.

"Something was suppressing the electrical current needed for his synapses to pass the neurons on to his brain's neurotransmitters": 9 out of 10 players wouldn't know this is gibberish, but all the same, it never hurts to do it properly. (Though science gibberish is a fine old Star Trek tradition.) "Something was suppressing the electrical current needed for his synapses to pass on neurotransmitters to his brain's cerebral cortex"? That works (depending on the detail of what it turned out happened).

Comms officer's report - "We're in the Imperon System, Captain in the Orion Sector": comma after "Captain".

The final "Imperon IV" map is simply wonderful. What are the map and the main items used? I want to steal them. Even if I have to make up a scene specially to fit them in :-)

Thanks for a really enjoyable mission. Now, how in the world are you going to get out of that? Well, we'll find out soon enough!
Thank you for the compliments! I'm glad you enjoyed playing it. I'm just now logging in for about the third time since The Sphere was released so I haven't been able to get Act III out as quickly as I wanted but work will be starting soon. I haven't even been in the Foundry for over two months since I took a break during the outage so I will definitely let you know about the map used for Imperon IV. Also, I will be correcting some of those issues you mentioned. Thank you again!

"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @BurghBlitz
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