Ensign
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 11
# 11
10-01-2013, 08:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
Verrry interesting. Good characterization, and an intriguing plot. I think the Temporal Investigation guys will conclude it's a predestination paradox - if the officer hadn't done what he did, history would have been different. The current timeline would require that he take the Kyon through that vortex and trigger the war.

There are quite a large number of issues with spacing, punctuation, and grammar, but the story itself stands.
Yeah, I'm not that good with some of the actual writing side but I'm good with stories. It comes from watching too much Doctor Who and Star Trek! Plus I like to play with time travel. And thanks

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Epsilon Force
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 568
# 12
10-01-2013, 09:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
Verrry interesting. Good characterization, and an intriguing plot. I think the Temporal Investigation guys will conclude it's a predestination paradox - if the officer hadn't done what he did, history would have been different. The current timeline would require that he take the Kyon through that vortex and trigger the war.

There are quite a large number of issues with spacing, punctuation, and grammar, but the story itself stands.
Of course, Temporal Investigations hates Predestination Paradoxes... and 'time' jokes.
Originally KiraYamato before the Account Linking - True Join Date August 2008

"Close Air Support covereth a multitude of sins." - Maxim 4, The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,942
# 13
10-02-2013, 01:26 AM
I've got nothing for this, I'm afraid. :-/

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Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,613
# 14
10-02-2013, 02:32 PM
Oh, I could take this down to so many dark places that are just begging to be explored. Where to start...


I like what I've read so far!

@wonvertu - I think your story would be improved if you don't tell us how it's going to end right at the beginning. It's sort of counter-intuitive if you're writing it as an actual log entry, in which case you want to explain what happened, then get into how and why. It doesn't make for good story flow though. That's why a lot of LC authors (myself included) try to write outside of a self-contained "Captain's" log, either opening with an entry to establish place and purpose and springboard into the story itself, use a log entry to wrap it all up at the end. Or both.

@allen1973 - you really need to use paragraph breaks to get away from the wall-of-text effect. I'm sure there's a good story there, but it's difficult to read it. Also, your afterthought post discussing your story belongs in this thread, not the story thread.

@chivalrybean - chuckles. With all of the family ties amongst my various characters I'm surprised something similar hasn't come up in my own writing.

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The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,112
# 15
10-02-2013, 10:58 PM
14891 characters, my longest yet. this is one of those stories i've had planned, but never writen, for a long while as an episode. Hopefully it's enjoyable to read!
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,756
# 16
10-03-2013, 08:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
14891 characters, my longest yet. this is one of those stories i've had planned, but never writen, for a long while as an episode. Hopefully it's enjoyable to read!
Very enjoyable Only two points of critique:

Incidents like this might force Donovan to mentally reclassify Wraith, and realise that he can no longer think of him as a boy ( ) as he certainly seems to realise that they have a genetically engineered murder machine on their hands...

From my research on Andorian biology, I believe that losing an antennae would have taken ErhAb out of the fight completely, and been an incapacity too great to overcome and simply 'power through'...

Other than those tiny points, I loved it Awesome descriptions, nice scenarios and excellent pacing, it was a very good entry
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,103
# 17
10-03-2013, 09:48 AM
To be fair, I had Talaina loose her antenna and although it made her collapse in pain, she was able to get herself together enough to keep fighting a little, even if her fighting was severly reduced. Where did you hear loosing an antenna puts them out of the fight completely?


I enjoyed the Wraith story. I still picture him in my head as one of the Wraith fromStargate Atlantis, instead of a young Vulcan boy. Doesn't help that I'm watching that series again. That was a nice result at the end for what caused it, and who said there wasn't a Klingon (or three) around when you need one?




I will not be entering this one. I don't feel like I have any strong ideas for it.
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A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,756
# 18
10-03-2013, 11:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by grylak View Post
To be fair, I had Talaina loose her antenna and although it made her collapse in pain, she was able to get herself together enough to keep fighting a little, even if her fighting was severly reduced. Where did you hear loosing an antenna puts them out of the fight completely?
According to Memory Alpha:

Quote:
Andorians had two supercranial antennae that aided in balance. If one was lost a a humiliating experience - an Andorian became partially disabled in the short term. The loss makes them lose their sense of balance, and unable to fight, but could adapt to its loss within a day.
Other sources of varying levels of canonicity (if that's even a word... ) have similar variations on the theme that while the loss of an antennae is recoverable, and adaptable to, it is a wound which is immediately incapacitating in the short-term, causing deafness, loss of balance, and I believe I read, loss of color vision as well... Sources also say that when injured, Andorians have a tendency to go into shock quickly. They are much more durable and hardier than their appearance belies, but when injured, they are more greatly affected than say a Klingon or a Vulcan might be, hence my thought that the loss of an antennae would have put ErhAb immediately out of the fight...
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,112
# 19
10-03-2013, 11:24 AM
From what i've seen and read, it seems more like having an inner ear problem. Yes, you'll lose balance and a little coordination, but hey should be able to adjust in a day or two. As for Lehla, she doesn't really get to fight as well as she normally would, but she's still a skilled fighter. That's also why i made sure to clarify that she was pretty messed up already before making a lunge and even missing her intended target.

This kind of felt like a season finale i guess, wrapping up a story arc that spanned for many episodes. I debated doing a little fan service by making it Krotious' ship, but the ending wouldn't have worked as well.

Still though, perhaps you're right and i'll need to find new terms to call Wraith by. Either way, i have a lot to consider when writing the next challenge, like what will be the next season wide issue
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,756
# 20
10-03-2013, 01:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
From what i've seen and read, it seems more like having an inner ear problem. Yes, you'll lose balance and a little coordination, but hey should be able to adjust in a day or two. As for Lehla, she doesn't really get to fight as well as she normally would, but she's still a skilled fighter. That's also why i made sure to clarify that she was pretty messed up already before making a lunge and even missing her intended target.

This kind of felt like a season finale i guess, wrapping up a story arc that spanned for many episodes. I debated doing a little fan service by making it Krotious' ship, but the ending wouldn't have worked as well.

Still though, perhaps you're right and i'll need to find new terms to call Wraith by. Either way, i have a lot to consider when writing the next challenge, like what will be the next season wide issue
I have to admit, I can't really think of a Human comparison, as any injury which would have a similar effect, would require massive head trauma, and likely be fatal in itself The closest I can think of, is maybe a guy getting hit really hard in the family jewels, and put down for a good few minutes. It didn't detract from the story at all, I was just making the observation about Andorians. In the same way, someone once had their Andorian captain being uncomfortable in the command chair, and I pointed out that the reference material says that Andorians don't suffer cramp/stiffness from prolonged inactivity like Humans do. Not to be critical, just to make awareness of consistency I really liked the explanation for Wraith's mood swings. I'd just say let the captain see the situation of Wraith's evolution, and his viewpoint will (and already seems to be) shift(ing) and it'll just come through naturally for you Really looking forward to the next season

Last edited by marcusdkane; 10-03-2013 at 01:23 PM. Reason: Spelling >_<
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