Lieutenant
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 89
# 1 The Unexpected Returns Series
10-17-2013, 09:59 PM
Name: The Unexpected Return Part One
ID: ST-HBSU3YYKC
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet-Federation
Level: 16+
Version:V1.4: 13/05/2014: Made some mission changes.
Story: After repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts, Admiral Mirren Sola has asked you to meet her on her flagship, U.S.S. Hood, she has a new assignment for you and your vessel. During the course of the mission, two unexpected returns that may cause problems not only for the Federation but for the entire quadrant. Are the two unexpected here for the good or the bad and are they related?
Where to start: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.
Maps:
41261---Custom map
Mec system---Custom map
Mec system---Custom map
Planet's Surface---Custom map
Starbase 375 Deck Two---Custom map
Surplus Depot Z15---Custom map
Tzenkethi Battleship
U.S.S. Hood Deck One
U.S.S. Yoga Bridge
Unknown Classified system---Custom map
Vesper system
Characters:
Admiral Mirren Sola
Kris Mento
Starfleet Intelligence
Starfleet Intelligence
Starfleet Intelligence
Commander John Pepsi
Tzenkethi Male
Tzenkethi Female
Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela
Ambassador K'Mtok
Captain Jessie Hope
Lt. Commander S'Vonti
Lt. M'Kita
Captain Tabora
Lt. Commander Audrel
Ensign Pogta
Commander Jesse Low
Lt. Commander Qniz
Lt. Commander M'Roaa
Lt. Wiziq
Ensign William Junior
Captain Norex
Surplus Depot Alien
Tzenkethi Commander

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__________________________________________________ ________________________

Name: The Unexpected Return Part Two
ID: ST-HCHMV3CNC
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet-Federation
Level: 16+
Version:V1.5: 13/05/2014: Made some mission changes.
Story: After the initial dangerous disasters encounter with the Tzenkethi after 50 years. The Tzenkethi are back. What do the Tzenkethi want? You and your team will soon get answers to your questions. Trapped behind enemy lines, you and your team must forage together some unlikely foes to escape from the Tzenkethi and return to Federation space. Will you make it back to Federation space or will your spend the rest of your life behind enemy lines.
Where to start: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.
Maps:
Deep Space
Ghomha System
Korvat system
Restricted area
Starbase 375 system
Tzenkethi Mine
Tzenkethi Mine
U.S.S. Drug
U.S.S. Odyssey
Unknown location
Characters:
Admiral Mirren Sola
Kris Mento
Starfleet Intelligence
Commander John Pepsi
Tzenkethi Male
Tzenkethi Female
Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela
Ambassador K'Mtok
Captain Jessie Hope
Lt. Commander S'Vonti
Lt. M'Kita
Captain Tabora
Lt. Commander Audrel
Ensign Pogta
Commander Jesse Low
Lt. Commander Qniz
Lt. Commander M'Roaa
Lt. Wiziq
Ensign William Junior
Captain Norex
Tzenkethi Commander
Captain John Carrey
Commander Pow
Ensign Zonly
Commander Derek Lowe
Lt. Helpz
Lt Commander Wendy Burger
Section 31
Admiral Tarscar
Admiral Var'nok
Admiral Deka
Commander Will Bower
Captain Donna Lewis
Lt. Commander Glev
Lt Commander Leslie Hope
Lt. Zorbaneq
Ensign pogt
Lt. Commander Pow
Commander Tracy Lowery
Ensign Paul Gong

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__________________________________________________ ________________________


Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
ID: ST-HULT4LRKX
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet-Federation
Level: 16+
Version:V1.5: 11/06/2014: Made some spelling and grammar, made changes.
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empire’s Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Where to start: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.
Maps:
B'lii system---Custom map
Conference Deck
Deep Space
Hirogen Monitor station
Starbase 375
Starbase 375 System
Starbase 375 System
Tzenketh---Custom map
Tzenketh system---Custom map
Tzenkethi Dreadnought Vessel
Deep Space nine space map
Characters:
Kris Mento
Starfleet Intelligence
Section 31
Commander John Pepsi
Tzenkethi Male
Tzenkethi Commander
Various Tzenkethi Male
Various Tzenkethi Female
Various Tzenkethi Senators
Tzenkethi Enginer
Tzenkethi Female
Ambassador K'Mtok
Captain Jessie Low
Captain Tabora
Lt. Commander Audrel
Ensign Pogta
Captain Norex
Admiral Tarscar
Admiral Var'nok
Admiral Deka
Captain Tracy Lowery
Fleet Admiral Nitehawk
Vice Admiral Vok
Rear Admiral Tommy Chong
Captain Light Whitie
Tzenkethi Autarch

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__________________________________________________ ________________________


Name: The Unexpected Return Part Four
ID: ST-HJLZCA4DX
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet-Federation
Level: 50
Version:V1.4: 13/06/2014: Made some changes to maps and some minor other changes.
Story: You and your team have made it back to Deep space nine from the Tzenkethi homeworld with some disturbing evidence of their super weapon capable of destroying entire planets. The Tzenkethi forces have set their eyes on destroying the Federation and the Klingon Empire with this weapon. Will the Tzenkethi forces succeed on destroying the Federation and the Klingon Empire or will you be able to destroy the Tzenkethi forces and their weapons before its too late?
Where to start: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.
Maps:
Conference Deck
Deep Space
Deep Space
Deep Space---Sol system
Deep Space---Sol system
Hobus System
U.S.S. Odyssey
Characters:
Kris Mento
Starfleet Intelligence
Section 31
Commander John Pepsi
Tzenkethi Male
Tzenkethi Commander
Ambassador K'Mtok
Captain Jessie Low
Captain Tabora
Lt. Commander Audrel
Ensign Pogta
Captain Norex
Admiral Tarscar
Admiral Var'nok
Admiral Deka
Captain Tracy Lowery
Fleet Admiral Nitehawk
Vice Admiral Vok
Rear Admiral Tommy Chong
Captain Light Whitie
Tzenkethi Autarch
Captain Jessie Low
Captain Light Whitie
Tzenkethi Autarch
Ambassador STcaevra
Captain Donna Lewis
Ensign Paul Gong
Commander Tracey Lowery
Commander Pow
Lt. Commander Leslie Hope
Lt. Commander Glev
Commander Will Bower
Lt. Commander Audrel
Lt. Zorbaneq
Captain John Carrey
Captain
Member of Species 8472

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__________________________________________________ ________________________




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Last edited by logitech007; 06-22-2014 at 04:11 PM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 752
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello Evil70th, I am back to get an detailed mission review from you.

Thank you so much in advance for it.
thanks
Logitech007

Mission Name: The Unexpected Returns Part One
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBSU3YYKC
Estimated Mission Length: 45- 1hour---give or take

Thanks again.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Returns Part One
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBSU3YYKC

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and extensive but well written story dialogue. There are several issues below that are mostly related to spelling, punctuation, grammar and capitalization. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a heavy dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles thrown in where appropriate.

Below I mention misspelled or improper use of the words. I went to this method of calling out the errors following the "Starbase 375 Deck Two" map where I found several spelling or improper use of words in the dialogue. In dialogue heave missions misspelling or improper use of a word is a distraction to the story and can either make or break the mission. Using word processors like Microsoft Word or other programs help with dialogue by reducing spelling and grammatical errors in the written story. A few months ago I posted a script sample that use to write my missions. It really helps and I highly recommend its use. At a minimum the word processor will help with written dialogue. There were also several locations where you used a lower case "i" vice "I" when referring to the individual. You should go through all your dialogue carefully to make sure you catch all the errors.

Another issue I mention below is the random capitalization of words. Some examples are; Battleship, Aliens, Quantum, Phaser, and Torpedo. Now this is only a partial listing but the general rule of thumb to use would be if it is not a proper name then it does not need to be capitalized. So if you have a sentence where you refer to a class of ship like the battleship it would be lower case. If you refer to a specific race type of ship like the Tzenkethi Battleship then it may be capitalized. You can keep it lowercase so it may be the Tzenkethi battleship. Eitherway will work. The weapon system phaser or torpedo would not need to be capitalized at anytime. When using rank structures such as captain or admiral they are usually lower case. If referring to a specific person such as Captain Webster or Admiral Quinn then it would be capitalized. Regardless of which way you chose to go it should be consistent throughout the mission.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is well written from a story perspective. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "After repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts" to read "After repairing your vessel at Utopia following the Fvain conflicts".
-Consider changing "two unexpected returns" to read "two unexpected return".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "AAfter repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts" to read "After repairing your vessel at Utopia following the Fvain conflicts".
-Consider changing "two unexpected returns" to read "two unexpected return".

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the mission to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
U.S.S. Hood Deck One: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "and will be brought to justice for his crimes" to read "and he will be brought to justice for his crimes".
-Consider making Ensign Junior required dialogue or remove it from the second Admiral dialogue. It was not required and seemed odd when she brought it up.

Mec system: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Tabora dialogue; sentence starting with "Yes, both the" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The Captain Tabora dialogue; consider changing "three more signatures in the derbie field" to read "three more signatures in the debris field".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue. The initial use of it when a BOFF or other NPC starts a conversation with the player is okay but not as often as it is used.
-The post "Scan the vessel" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's Move on" to read "Let's move on"
-The post "Scan the vessel" dialogue is repetitive.

U.S.S. Yoga Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The science console where the player downloads the complete list of information is sitting above the deck.
-Consider changing "Our early reading lead us" to read "Our early readings lead us".
-Consider changing "the hull markings and color does not match to the" to read "the hull markings and color do not match to the". This would apply to the report for all three types of ships.
-Consider changing "Ok Thank you,[Rank]" to read "Ok, thank you, [Rank]".
-Check the capitalizations of words. You have words that appear to be randomly capitalized, i.e. Battleship, Cruiser, Quantum, and Torpedo. These are a few examples and do not cover all words that appear to be randomly capitalized.
-The map transfer dialogue appears to be coming from my shipboard science BOFF but appears to be coming from the away team. Consider changing "Are we ready to beam back" to read "We have a lock on the away team".

Mec system: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Our full weapons arrays and banks are standing to fire on your command" to read "All weapons ready to fire on your command".

Starbase 375 Deck Two: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a several items to consider changing:
-The Admiral dialogue; consider changing the response button "That would work. Where are there" to read "Thank you Admiral. Where are they".
The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "It's a sad poor shame that you couldn't capture me" to read "It's a shame that you couldn't capture me".
-The Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela dialogue; consider changing "It is finally a please to be off New Romulus for this meeting with your Admiral" to read "It is a pleasure to be here for the meeting with your Admiral.
-Consider changing "What can i do for you" to read "What can I do for you",
-During the player dialogue with Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela the sentence starting with "My ship and two more" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "The results show several vessels" to read "The results show the vessels".
-Consider changing "i see" to read "I see".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Consider changing "[Rank], i have no idea on how" to read "[Rank], I have no idea how".
-Consider changing "I have to go and finish" to read "I have to finish".
Consider changing "[Rank] and i do hope you can find" to read "[Rank] and I hope you find".
-The Ambassador K'Mtok dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], there are going as i suspected" to read "[Rank], it is going as I expected".
-Consider changing "What can i do for you" to read "What can I do for you". From this point forward I am going to note the maps where "I" is not capitalized correctly. There are several more dialogue fields on this map with this issue.
-During the player dialogue with Ambassador K'Mtok the sentence starting with "My ship and two more" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Aliens,
-Consider changing "you have got proof before accuing the Klingon Empire of givcing the Aliens their designs" to read "you have got proof before accusing the Klingon Empire of giving the aliens their designs".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Rank] [Rank]" to read "[Rank], [Rank], [Rank]".
-Consider changing "try and trace this" to read "try to trace this".
-Consider changing "its a waste of time" to read "it's a waste of time".
-Consider changing the response button "that you have had" to read "that you have".
-Consider changing "it used to be runned by the Zakdorn" to read "The facility was managed by the Zakdorn".
-Consider changing "One more thing, noone has seen these new Aliens that run the Depot" to read "One more thing, no one has seen these new aliens that run the depot"
-Consider removing the sentence "The Federation has no idea who is running it now". It seems redundant when you have the sentence listed in the comment above this one.
-Consider changing "until one of the other Ambassador's had told me" to read "until one of the other Ambassador's told me"
-Consider changing "Kris Mento told me that we will have to do is to send out a transmission into subspace and just wait" to read "Kris Mento said all we need to do is send a transmission into subspace and then wait".
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.

Surplus Depot Z15: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Send out a subspace transmission" trigger; consider changing it to an invisible object of at least 500ft to act as the trigger. Then it will not be visible on the screen.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "edviance" to read "evidence".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Check dialogue for the use of "i" vice "I" incorrectly.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue; consider changing the word "inform" to read "informed".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola sentence starting with "I have sent the location" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[Rank], Unofficially" to read "[Rank], unofficially".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "Section 31is" to read "Section 31 is".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "stsyem" to read "system".

Unknown Classified system: This is a nice map with well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

41261: This is a good map design of the penal colony with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-On the "Surplus Depot Z15" map Admiral Mirren Sola indicated "the penal colony is at a secret location, only a handful of Admiral's know". When the player arrives we find dead Hirogen as well as Klingon, Romulan, and living Hirogen, which contradicted the previous dialogue.
-On the "Surplus Depot Z15" map Admiral Mirren Sola indicated "Yes, but the inmate will only talk to you". On the penal colony there is no dialogue related to finding the inmate who would only talk to the player. The player searches the facility and eventually finds the Section 31 personnel torturing an inmate to get him to talk. You should consider rewriting this map to remove all references to the torture and have the player find the inmate indicated on the "Surplus Depot Z15" map. The inmate would then provide the information only to the player.
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Check dialogue for the use of "i" vice "I" incorrectly.
-Consider moving the weapons lockers next to each force field control console. It does not make any sense to go inside the force field to lock up the weapons.
-Consider changing the response button "No Thanks you" to read "No thank you".
-In the second area with section 31 the fog appears to serve no purpose to the story.
-The Section 31 agent dialogue; consider changing "sting" to read "string".
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Killed and More.

Planet's Surface: This is a good map design and I liked the facility design. There is one low level optional battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "transporter enhancers" to read "transporter inhibitors".
-Consider checking all dialogue for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. For example "It's a good on how he set this up".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-The Science Officer sentence starting with "Most people would not scan" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider adding a foundation under the facility. It looks odd just sitting there in the air.
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Alien and Phaser.
-Consider changing the following response button misspelled or improper use of the word; "Your right" to read "You're right". In the context you are using it this would be the proper spelling.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "even if its" to read "even if it's".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "THANK ABOUT IT" to read "THINK ABOUT IT".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "that good of a bluff in poker" to read "that good at bluffing in poker".
-Consider changing the following response button misspelled or improper use of the word; "Yes I have and I have you to thanks for that" to read "Yes and I have you to thank for that".
-Check for proper capitalization of words in the dialogue and response buttons, i.e. ok.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "these two evens are not connected" to read "these two events are not connected".

Vesper system: This is a good map with several fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "[Rank], Glad that you made it" to read "[Rank], glad that you made it".

Tzenkethi Battleship: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the multiple attempts to access a console with repetitive dialogue and add some information that the player is able to get from each console. Also consider reducing the number of consoles the player must attempt.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "watch and prey" to read "watch and pray".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "evasive maneuvers patter omega" to read "evasive maneuvers, pattern omega".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "The [ShipName] losing there dorsal shields" to read "The [ShipName] is losing dorsal shields".
-Check for proper capitalization of words in the dialogue and response buttons, i.e. Defensive, Epsilon.
-There is a carriage return between "decks twelve through seventeen" and "Sections four through ten". Consider replacing the carriage return with a coma.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and with a few fixes in the dialogue here and there you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/09/2014 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.

Last edited by evil70th; 02-19-2014 at 12:05 AM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 752
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello Evil70th, I am back to get an detailed mission review from you for part two.

Thank you so much in advance for it.
thanks
Logitech007

Mission Name: The Unexpected Returns Part Two
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HCHMV3CNC
Estimated Mission Length: 30- 45min---give or take

Thanks again.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Returns Part Two
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HCHMV3CNC

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several issues below that are mostly related to spelling, punctuation, grammar and capitalization. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a heavy dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.

In my previous report I mentioned ways to address issues like the ones listed below. I will not repeat those recommendations in this report.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider combining and changing the first two sentences to read "Following a 50 year absence the Tzenkethi are back with disastrous consequences".
-Consider deleting "You and your team will soon get answers to your questions". It is not well written and does not feel like it belongs there.
-Consider rewriting the sentence that begins with "Trapped behind enemy lines" to read "Trapped behind enemy lines you must forge unlikely alliances with former enemies in order to escape the Tzenkethi".
-Consider rewriting the sentence that begins with "Will you make it back" to read "It is up to you and your team whether or not you survive this encounter with the evil that has returned".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the entrance to the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is the same dialogue from the description and grant dialogue. Consider rewriting this dialogue to set up the first map in a way that makes sense to the story. You can use this to explain how the player get's from where we leave off in part one to where we begin in part two.

MAPS:
Tzenkethi Mine: The map design is well done and the battle is fun. The story dialogue is detailed but needs some work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue; the sentence that starts with "You Starfleet" would read better broken in to more than a single sentence with commas.
-Consider changing "level of the mine and listen to the guard" to read "level of the mine a favor and listen to the guard"
-Consider changing "save your life and move along" to read "save your life so move along".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok Will do. Thank you" to read "Ok will do. Thank you".
-Consider changing the sentence "Don't mention it and keep it to your self" appears to be redundant. Also "yourself" is one word.
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "that Reman was nice to warning us" to read "that Reman was nice for warning us".
-The sentence starting with "We should try and find him" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. Also consider changing "We should try and find him" to read "We should try to find him".
-The use of the response button "Continue". There are few places you use it with extra dialogue using [OOC] for the player. The other places it feels like it is not right. Consider changing it to "…".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; the sentence "Sir, is that a wise course of action" is a question and should have a question mark vice a period.
-Consider changing "keep it to our self" to read "keep it to ourselves".
-The Klingon Prisoner dialogue; the "HAHAHA" twice in the same dialogue felt like I was reading bad Anime. I suspect your intention is to make it seem as if the Klingon is laughing at the player but it really did not feel like that.
-Consider changing "to stick your noses in wher it does not belong" to read "to stick your nose in where it does not belong".
-Consider changing "look where it has got you" to read "look where it has gotten you".
-The tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "Sir, this petaQ is wasting our time that we do not have and does not know where the Reman is, i suggest we move along" to read "Sir, this petaQ is wasting our time. He does not know where the Reman is. I suggest we keep looking".
The Klingon Prisoner dialogue; again the "HA" in two places in the dialogue so close together does not feel as though the Klingon is laughing. Consider adding [OCC] dialogue that indicates the Klingon is laughing vice writing it out.
-The dialogue "Starfleet officer wearing that uniform" seems redundant. What else would a Starfleet officer wear other than the uniform.
-The sentence starting with "I should kill you" needs to be rewritten and broken into separate sentences. The separation with periods does not help the flow of the dialogue.
-The dialogue "I like that fight you have got" is odd. Consider changing it to "I like the boldness of your words".
-The Cardassian Prisoner refers to the Cardassian Empire which does not exist as an enemy of the Federation. Consider changing "Cardassian Empire" to read "True Way".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue; again the "HAHA" at the beginning and end of the dialogue seems like bad Anime. Consider adding [OCC] dialogue that indicates the Romulan is laughing vice writing it out.
-Consider changing "business again and got captured and transported here" to read "business again, got captured and transported here".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok. Thank you will keep that in mind" to read "Ok, thank you. We will keep that in mind".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "not trust worthly" to read "not trust worthy".
-Consider changing "Kinda sounds that he was discribing them selfs" to read "Kind of sounds like he was describing himself".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue; consider changing "So there is no use of trying to escape because we don't even know where we are" to read "So there is no use trying to escape".
-Consider changing the response button "What happened to the reminder of your crew" to read "What happened to the rest of your crew".
-The sentence starting with "When we first got here" needs to be rewritten into different sentences.
-Consider changing "we got tortured for any information on the Romulans and the Remans" to read "we were tortured in an attempt to extract information on the Romulans and Remans".
-Consider changing "anything about the Romulans and the Remans" to read "anything about the Romulans or the Remans".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue the sentence starting with "They need to find out" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "noises" to read "noses".
-Consider changing "cannot try and control" to read "cannot control".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue that starts with "I heard this story" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "So one day" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "The Hirogen Alpha" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "The reminder of the crew" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "reminder" to read "remainder".
-Consider changing "it is best to hear the guards warning" to read "it is best to heed the guards warning".
-Consider removing "bad" from the response button. It is redundant to say "bad and horrible". In that context they mean the same thing.
-Consider removing "inmate" from the dialogue. It is redundant to say "prisoner inmate".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue; consider changing "trip done memory line" to read "trip down memory lane".
-All three uses of "punish" should read "punished".
-The sentence starting with "I lost two good men" is a run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "and i will tell you" to read "and I will tell you".
-Post battle Tactical Officer dialogue the response button; consider changing "Agree" to read "Agreed".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue response button; consider changing "Ok We will be right there" to read "Ok, we will be right there".
-The sentence that starts with "I probed the Romulan mind" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.

U.S.S. Drug: This is a good map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander Derek Lowe initial dialogue is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".

Tzenkethi Mine: The map design is well done and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain John Carrey initial dialogue is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-In the dialogue it is indicated that only the Hirogen and Klingons are willing to help. It states "The Nausicanns and the Romulans said no" but the player never talks to those two groups. Also it is "Naussicans" vice "Nausicanns".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.

Restricted area: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider removing the interaction of the consoles once the player has cleared them. This can be done by using the visibility options in the Foundry. Remaining available after the player has either passed the puzzle or completed the task seems strange.
-All interaction terminals had the word "Interact" which is the default entry when the author does not change the button. Consider changing it to read "Access console" or words to that effect.
-Plot points to consider; we send out a distress signal to the Klingons and the dialogue indicates that several Klingon ships entered the system but when we beam up it is to our ship. Another issue is the player goes past several prisoners in other cells and does not even mention them. Consider adding dialogue regarding the other prisoners.

Ghomha System: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The use of the response button "Continue".

Deep Space: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "tashforce" to read "taskforce".
-The sentence starting with "Sir, there is no clear sign" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.

U.S.S. Odyssey: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander Will Bower dialogue response button. You used "i" vice "I" twice.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.

Unknown location: This is a nice map design but needs a little work The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The three buildings are visible floating in the air. Is that intentional? Consider either changing them to invisible or making everything visible from the start.
-There is no visible foundation for any of the buildings. Is this intentional? Are they supposed to be floating in mid air with only the ramp for access?
-The Section 31 Hologram sentence starting with "Then as soon as you access" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-All interaction terminals had the word "Interact".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Korvat system: This is a good map design with fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue "the Chancellor agreed for us to be here" to read "the Chancellor has granted us permission to be here".
-Consider changing "They have some information stating that the Tzenkethi would be launching a major battle here against the Klingon Empire in this system" to read "We have intelligence that indicates the Tzenkethi are planning a large scale attack on this system".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "Lock targets and fire" to read "Lock on targets and fire".
-Consider changing "we were informed" to read "intelligence indicated".

Starbase 375 system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "That means hey control the Starbase" to read "That means they control the Starbase".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "The Klingon have dispatched a fleet" to read "The Klingons have dispatched a fleet".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/18/2014 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 752
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hey Evil70th, I am back with part 3 of my series, I am looking for your review on this part. I am not sure if I posted this part 3 yet or not.


Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Starfleet
ID:ST-HULT4LRKX
level: 16+
Time: 45-1 hour
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empire’s Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Starting Location: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.

Thank you for taking your time to play my part 3.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HULT4LRKX

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a nice mission with some tough but fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. They are a distraction from the story dialogue and need to be addressed. I only noted the maps below and recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.

The balancing of enemy mobs in a mission can be difficult. Deciding where to place the enemy in relation to friendly support, if any, or how strong to make each side can be difficult. With that said it is still a necessary talent to master for an author if you are going to use enemy mobs in a mission. Having a large number of enemy mobs may seem like a challenge to other players but I find it tedious. It is particularly tedious when it adds nothing to the story. If your intention is to make a grinder mission then of course the more enemy the better but again I find those types of mission tedious. So what is the solution? Balance the engagements by placing enemy and friendly mobs on the map in equal proportions. For example, cruiser against cruiser, destroyer against destroyer and so on, with the player added in to tip the balance of the battle. Again this is not easy but you will find it works much better this way.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.

Mission Task: The initial task should have a clear start location for the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Deep Space: This is a simple map design with several battles and some story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun but the dialogue is as if the battle is about to start. Consider changing the enemy to appear when the player signals the other ships. This way the player can read your dialogue and not ignore it to begin the engagement.
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage.

Deep Space Nine: This map seems unnecessary to the story. I know what you are trying to do with the warp out on the previous map but it just seems to serve no purpose in the story. There is a short dialogue at the beginning announcing the ships arrival and the player flies all the way across the map to change to the next map. Consider removing this map and adding dialogue at the end of the next map that mentions the arrival and ready to transport to the conference. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Welcome to Deep Space Nine" to read "[Rank], welcome to Deep Space Nine".
-Consider changing "beam over to the Conference deck" to read "beam over to the conference deck".

Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Deep Space Nine Security dialogue; consider changing "Please sign in the you may continue in" to read "Please sign in before you enter the conference".
-The Fleet Admiral Nitehawk dialogue; consider changing: "how this threat posses to the Federation and to the Klingon Empire" to read "what this threat means to the Federation and Klingon Empire".
-The response button; consider changing "that could be important to this threat" to read "that may shed light on this threat".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.

B'lii System: The map design is good but needs some tweaking. The battle is fun and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing the initial spawn point closer to the first satellite. Having the player fly to the first one and then back again is tedious.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The enemy vessel at the second satellite appears and attacks immediately. If the player engages immediately the dialogue where the enemy threatens to attack disappears until after the fight is over. This is due to the configuration of your combat trigger. It appears to trigger as soon as the player scans the satellite. Consider changing the dialogue to popup dialogue that occurs when the player arrives in the vicinity of the second satellite. It can be made to be available after the first satellite is scanned and virus uploaded.

Hirogen Monitor station: This is a great map design with good battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with battles the player barely is able to participate in. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "federation" to read "Federation"

Starbase 375: This is a good map design with several tough enemy mobs. The story dialogue is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post enemy engagement dialogue; consider changing "We need to break down that field" to read "We need to bring down the dampening field".
-The post "Bring down the field" dialogue; consider removing "The fleet is starting to fall". It is redundant in conjunction with the last line.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue; "Our weapons and shield are ready" to read "We are ready to engage the enemy on your command". Delete the last line.

Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage or adding more ships to assist in the battles.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Tzenkethi Dreadnought Vessel: This is a great map design with detailed story dialogue but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I was a little confused at first by the nature of the doors closing and blocking my away team. As the story progressed I understood the purpose but consider just adding a note at the start of the map instructing the player to leave the away team behind with a rally point.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Tzenketh: This is a good map design but needs a little work. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The two locate Autarch tasks are tedious and despite the nice scenery are unnecessary to the story.
-The sliding doors are okay but there is a gap above them that looks strange. In addition as the player moves between the arms of the station they can see that nothing is supporting the structures. The surrounding scenery with through the windows looks good but the lack of structural support detail needs to be addressed.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.

Tzenketh system: This is a nice map design with several tough but optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes and battle balancing you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.

Brian

This critique report also filed 06/07/2014 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.

Last edited by evil70th; 06-13-2014 at 10:16 AM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 752
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hey all I am back with part four of my The unexpected return to end this series, im looking for one of your reports reviews on part 4.

Thank you for taking your time and effort to play part 4 .

Thank you.
Logitech007
----------------------------------------------------------

Name: The Unexpected Return Part Four
ID: ST-HJLZCA4DX
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet-Federation
Level: 50
Version:V1.1:
Story: You and your team have made it back to Deep space nine from the Tzenkethi homeworld with some disturbing evidence of their super weapon capable of destroying entire planets. The Tzenkethi forces have set their eyes on destroying the Federation and the Klingon Empire with this weapon. Will the Tzenkethi forces succeed on destroying the Federation and the Klingon Empire or will you be able to destroy the Tzenkethi forces and their weapons before its too late?
Where to start:Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
----------------------------------------------------------


Thanks again Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Four
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLZCA4DX

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and detailed story dialogue. The series overall is good and this mission worked well to wrap it up. This mission, like the series, has several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. As with my previous reports I mention these errors because they are what hold your missions back from being outstanding. I highly recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission and the series to other players who like story oriented missions with fun battles to add to the story.

On several of the maps I mention the excessive use of the response button "Continue". I am sure that everyone who has ever submitted a mission or read my reviews knows that this is a pet peeve of mine. Rather than beating a dead horse here I thought I might provide some alternatives to "Continue". In several places you have the player providing dialogue that is from their point of view. This is a nice story telling device and you use it well throughout this mission and series. I would suggest changing it up a bit by adding some of the final portions of the dialogue as the response button. For example;
[OOC]Your decision to do this is one I cannot agree with.[/OOC]
Response Button: I will take this up with Starfleet.
If you did this type of dialogue I believe the player would feel more a part of the story. Another recommendation regarding the replacement of "Continue" would be use "…" instead. The biggest reason I object to "Continue" vice "…" or using it as a continuation of [OOC] dialogue is it just does not feel right. Yes I know Cryptic uses it quite excessively throughout their missions but unfortunately they do not have me reviewing their dialogue before release.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The first sentence is a run-on sentence. Consider breaking it up into two separate sentences or place comas appropriately.
-Consider changing "forces succeed on destroying" to read "forces succeed in destroying".
-Consider changing the "Where to start" dialogue to [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-Consider changing "MThe door just below" to read "The door just below"

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors to this initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Deep Spce nine is signaling us say they are ready for us to beam over" to read "[Rank], Deep Space Nine is signaling, they are ready for us to beam over"

MAPS:
Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Fleet Admiral Nitrehawk dialogue; consider changing "welcome back to Deep Space nine" to read "welcome back to Deep Space Nine".
-The sentence starting with "We have received your reports" is a run-on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive. I will note the maps and cover some suggested changes for this in my summary.
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.

Hobus System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-You have dialogue that pops up as the player is entering a combat zone. I realize the combat is optional on this map but once combat starts the player can only read the dialogue after. Consider moving the enemy mobs and battle a little further away so the player can read the dialogue. Have the last dialogue regarding leaving the system appear once the last enemy mob is destroyed.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.

Deep Space-Sol system: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the current orientation and "Weather Starstreaks" you are using.
-Check the triggers for the weather streaks and planet with debris. Your current configuration appears to make the planet and debris appear while the warp effect is still going on. I would suggest setting up a trigger that sets off all these appearance and disappearances. You could use the "Coming from warp" effect as well.
-Be careful how you design the triggers. I was moving forward, my ship does not stop for dialogue prompts, and I had to circle back around to trigger the "Join the Fight" task.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using a larger invisible object to trigger the scan. It will look better and will not be visible on the map.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.

U.S.S. Odyssey: This is a good map with detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.

Deep Space: This is a nice simple map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Deep Space-Sol system: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. This is a nice wrap up to the mission and the series. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As noted on a previous map your orientation of the map and use of the "Weather Starstreaks" you are currently using should be changed to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
-As noted on a previous map the triggers for the weather streaks and planet appear to be incorrectly configured to appear. I would suggest setting up a trigger that sets off all these appearance and disappearances. You could use the "Coming from warp" effect as well.
-The post battle Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "hailed by the U.S.S. Durg" to read "hailed by the U.S.S. Drug".
-Consider changing "the Temporal Prime Directive,discuss your experience" to read "the Temporal Prime Directive, discuss your experience".
-The End of Mission dialogue; consider changing "Please make sure you rate and leave some feedback and i will get back you" to read "Please rate my mission and leave feedback. I will get back you as soon as I can".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 06/13/2014 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
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