Cryptic Execs have released news about the Head Start launch of thier new online product, Star Trek Online. When asked why Star Trek Online is ,infact, offline - the execs replied ernestly.
"Our server department are doing all they can, if we give her any more power she'll blow!" Engineering staff have also reported "We canna do more than we are laddy, its just too much for these engines!".
Cryptic Execs brought out of hiding for our interview were jumpy and frightned to the point where most refused to allow us to put thier identitys into print for fear of consumer reprisals. Most Execs have reported death threats and mutilation fantasiies being sent from disgruntled fans - with the continued occasional photo of a 40 year old man wearing nothing but his Star Trek Badge - which has unhinged many of the Cryptic Execs. The company has stated that proffesional counselling will be available to affected staff.
Also some game merchandising company employees seem to of gained thier launch bonuses early, much to the chagrin of other pre-launch players. When asked about this state of affairs the Cryptic Execs we spoke to led us to belive they didnt actually care what happened in the game, they were just happy someone could log on.
One Exec has offered to give extra play time to Lifetime subscribers as a way of apologising for the launch issues. However he would not make the announcement as he felt a crazed fan may be inside the building with a small sub-machine gun and a big anger management issue. We waved goodbye to the Execs hiding under thier desks, they returned our waves with harsh whispers.
"Dont give our position away!!!"
We left the building and ran the gauntlet of slushee cups thrown at us by angry STO consumers who had come to the Cryptic studios to picket for Auto-Fire, or a First Officer. Showing our press passes the mob slowly turned away from us and went back to taunting the traumatised Cryptic staff besieged at thier workstations.
We look forward to further reports from cryptic about the state of the game and will pay for footage of slushee armed protesters nailing a Cryptic Exec. Have a good day and thats the news from STO!